8th Official Tournament: Final Round
No suns rose that final morning. It was sad, yet so too was it fitting.
Division One: Call Upon the Seaponies (EuroSHOOBEDOO Mix)
The unusually still surface of the Northern Megamon Ocean was only one amongst the myriad of factors that collaborated together in order to instill xXFluffyXx’s with a sense of overwhelming anxiety. “Are you guys sure that this is…y’know, safe?”
SallowKnight adopted a face of palpable discontent. “Has a single thing that we’ve been forced to do thus far been even remotely safe?”
“What about the time we taught a knitting class for senior citizens down at the learning annex?” ticonderoga360 asked, his statement immediately followed by the simultaneous squawking of millions of seagull-brony hybrids.
“Are you kidding me?!” xXFluffyXx cried out. “That was the most dangerous thing that we’ve done thus far! Remember how bloodthirsty those old folks were? It’s a good thing that they didn’t have any teeth left, otherwise they would’ve eaten us alive!”
ticonderoga360 laughed. “I was being sarcastic.”
The hand that SallowKnight was using to tensely clutch onto the theoretical conch shell had begun to noticeably perspire. Beneath his hovering feet was a darkened abyss of pure Monster energy drink that stretched indefinitely downwards. Only one of the three would be able to avoid having the limitless trench become their final resting place. Despite the carefree nature of their small talk, each of them knew all too well what was about to ensue. Their time of reckoning would come just as soon as they blew into the conch in order to Call Upon the Seaponies.
“Well, there’s no sense of dillydallying any longer than we already have. Whaddya say we get this show on the road already, hmm?” SallowKnight proposed.
XXFluffyXx and ticonderoga360 looked at each other for a moment before smiling. “Sounds good to me,” they said in perfect unison.
Division Two: The Strategy of Emperor
Warm blood dripped down from xSonicBulletx’s nostrils, the goopy mess mildly irritating his lips and chin as it fluttered downwards and congealed into a puddle on the cement floor below him. To say that things were not going well would be a criminally massive understatement. To the left of him was .Rarity, the mythical figure loudly bemoaning the loss of seven of its twenty-one limbs, while to the right arcnmx was crying while text messaging what appeared to be a plate of fettuccine alfredo. Standing before the trio was the Emperor, the world’s handsomest yet most ferocious of emperor penguins.
“We can’t do it,” arcnmx muttered under his breath. “We just can’t.”
“Yes we can!” .Rarity promptly retorted. “This thing isn’t even all that powerful. All you have to do is get one decent hit in and then you’ll be named the winner of the tournament.”
xSonicBulletx wiped away some of the blood from his face with his prized Fruit Roll Up. “Easier said than done. This thing’s strategy…it’s just too perfect! We can’t get anywhere near him!”
“You fools!” the Emperor shrieked as it grabbed an oversized fish and smacked the wall with it. “I have been waiting all tournament for a foe that I can truly call my equal, and this is what I am rewarded with? This sorry lot? Pathetic!”
The remainder of Division Two raised themselves up to their feet. Even if they knew that the Emperor’s words amounted to little more than a thinly-veiled attempt to get them riled up, and even if they knew that it was all but hopeless for them to seek victory, they knew that they had no other choice than to persist. The atrociously plain concrete walls seemed to resonate in perfect harmony with Division Two’s ragged breathing as their willpower at long last became solidified.
It was time.
Division Three: Bloody Tears
Billions of years of scientifically pertinent history was being reduced to ash and rubble all around them. However, rather than standing around and bemoaning humanity’s great loss or attempting to escape from the ancient castle before they found themselves to be just as much a casualty of the destructions as the portraits of hamburgers or tomes of early 1990′s romantic comedies would prove to be, Division Three had much more pressing issues to concern themselves with. A formless blob of blood that had seeped out from the tear ducts of the hi19hi19 statue located in the exact center of the castle was ruthlessly pursuing the remainder of the division throughout the crumbling hallways and exploding antechambers, giving them absolutely no time for rest or repose.
“I’m going left!” beary605 called out.
“Well I’m going right then!” MracY somehow managed to reply atop the intense guitar solo that was being blasted through the castle’s intercom system.
“And I shall go up!” HalfStep added before taking off through the ceiling.
Much to the combined chagrin of the trio, the Bloody Tears did not follow a single person. Instead, it split off into three equally sized imitations of its larger itself and continued its pursuit as if the ruse had never even occurred. The cacophony of curses and swears were hidden beneath the great rumbling of the castle as it was torn asunder by some newfangled force of physics.
“I think…this is the end,” beary605 muttered under his breath. Despite being miles away from the people that he once considered to be his friends, he knew that they were thinking the exact same thing.
Division Four: Go Beyond!! -Jazzy mix-
The twinkling stars of the cosmos had long since been extinguished, their likenesses replaced instead with nothing but inescapable darkness. For Division Four, the earth was nothing more than a distant relic of the past, a memory as insignificant as all others. All that existed for them was nothingness, yet at the same time they persisted onwards towards some far off and more likely than not intangible destination. Every so often badman7772 and PaperclipGames would attempt to murder each other through any means that they could manage, but ___________ always made sure to break the scuffles up before the pair could cause any serious damage either to their opponent or themselves.
One of the three survivors was going to emerge the victor, and each of them wanted it more than anything else. They had not sacrificed everything that they once knew and loved, be it PaperclipGames’ prized huckleberry pie recipe or ___________’s psychic nipple, only to end up empty handed. One of them was going to reach the threshold of all that it is and be bestowed with the ability to Go Beyond, to traverse from one void to another, and win the tournament.
The tense silence that had reigned dominant for the past hour was briefly permeated by a low grumble. “Sorry gang, I’ve been holdin’ that one in since the Ryu Centari!” badman7772 laughed.
Division Five: Playing Super Mario World While Taking Mushrooms
The faces of PriestREA, mirror_eclipse and d4u7211 were illuminated only by the faint glow of the old CRT televisions that were situated in a circle around the windowless basement. The reassuring sliver of light that existed in the crevice between the bottom of the door to the main stairwell and the floor had long since disappeared, vanished along with the rest of the city. Although sad, the trio knew that concerning themselves with the outside world would amount to naught. Their world was in the cavernous basement now, their interests lying only with Playing Super Mario World While Taking Mushrooms.
“Okay, is the Pink Switch Palace trippin’ anybody else out or what?” mirror_eclipse asked.
“Yeah, it’s like…why do we even need so many coins anyways?” PriestREA replied.
d4u7211 laughed. “Because when you get a hundred coins you get an extra life, duh! Don’t you get it? Super Mario World is all about the pursuit of worldly gains. You go around collecting money, killing wildlife, claiming land for yourself, and knocking down historic fortresses just so that you can chase after the ever-distant figure of the princess. Sounds kinda like the pursuit of the American dream, doesn’t it? Star Road? That’s just a metaphor for fame and fortune or whatever. But it’s like…no matter what you do, ninety-six is still the highest percentage that you can get. The full hundo is always unreachable. This game…this game is…whoa, I swear Yoshi just winked at me!”
“Yeah, he’ll do that,” mirror_eclipse shuddered.
PriestREA slowly lowered his controller onto the couch as he fumbled to light a single Dorito on fire with his lighter. “I always wondered when Mario took his poops when he was busy adventuring. Not anymore though.”
Division Six and Seven: Unconnected.
The eight proliferating members of Division Seven stood huddled around what little was left of Division Six, their faces indiscernible behind their hooded and cloaked figures.
“Wh-what’s the meaning of this?” alloyus nervously questioned.
“Silence!” One Winged Angel cried out before using his single wing to slap alloyus across the face. “You have been summoned here because it is time to end this tournament!”
“Ooh, that’d be great actually,” shadow 1800 distantly replied. “I think I forgot to turn off the dog before I left my house back at the start.”
smartdude1212 cleared his throat. “Hey, take it from me, that wasn’t a very smart thing to do!”
Before shadow 1800 got a chance to respond to his superior’s pun, Herogashix let out a shrill cry of anguish. “Aww cheese, I forgot to tape How To Tape TV Shows with T+tapeolite!”
“Silence!” LongGone tried to shout, but much like his sense of moral decency, his voice was already long gone.
AlexDest silently took off his shirt. “I don’t even know what’s going on here anymore.”
Dynam0, ~Zeta~ and xXOpkillerXx attempted to agree with their counterpart, but unfortunately for all of those that were amassed at the Pizza Hut, the trio was too busy being engaged in a three-way game of Who Can Vomit The Most.
It wasn’t until samurai7694 rose above the clamor that the cowering figures of Division Six were at long last given the means to realize their goals. “Log off,” the seven thousand, six hundred and ninety-fourth samurai commanded them. “Get off the ‘net. Get unconnected and go live your lives in the outside world. First one to, like, I dunno, get married and have kids wins the tournament? Whatever. I already AAA’d this round anyways.”
Division Six solemnly stood up, dusted off their bottoms and began to shuffle off towards the front door in a single file line. Out of all of the things that they could have heard, this was by far the worst.
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