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My Amateur Writing... Posted on: April 23, 2009, at 06:49:33pm So not many people know that I love to write in my free time, I wish I could be a professional author. But I'm just laying down a beginning so that people can tell me any compliments or improvements...thanks! The car spun out of control as the boy struggled to keep his hands on the wheel. His fingers ached and burned against the hot rubber; he had to let go. He released his choking grip and allowed the car to skid for a couple hundred feet. Beside him, his girlfriend shrieked a bloodcurdling scream. She hadn’t noticed what was happening until that very moment. Neither of them saw the heavy redwood tree blocking the terrain. And neither of them felt the pain for a moment. The boy felt himself flying, then something stabbed into his chest. It was a real pain, not something he was imagining. He screamed in pain, then decided to try to take out the sword. Actually, he soon learned it was only a tree branch, and that he couldn’t take it out even if he wanted to. It had pierced his heart, and was now stuck inside one of the chambers. He tugged on it, but then found a pinching or tearing pain, so he stopped. It took him a moment to calm down a bit, then to stand took all of his strength. Then he wished that he hadn’t ditched during P.E.. To stand up, he leaned against the tree that had pinned him for support. The pain was unendurable, but he lived through it. Now to walk over to the car. He tried to count his steps so he wouldn’t focus on the pain. One step. In his mind, images of what his girlfriend and his light-blue 1998 Ford would look like appeared bluntly. Two steps. He listened to the silence, trying to somewhat embrace it(for silence was a treat that he never received). Three steps. He didn’t know how much more of this he could take, it was getting kinda annoying. Four steps. It wasn’t going to be long before he went crazy from counting, so he stopped at four steps. But he did keep going until the moment he reached his beloved car and his girlfriend. His car was a wreck. The front of it had completely collapsed in, revealing the entire engine and some of the parts were roped on the trees branches. He stumbled over to the passenger side and the sight almost killed him. She was pinned to the dashboard in an awkward position, her arms crushed against it and her head resting on it gently, as if asleep. Blood trickled from her forehead and smeared as it ran down the dashboard and puddled in her lap. “Amy?” His vision altered slightly as she opened her eyes and stared at him in pure terror...that's all I got so far. |
Posted at 7:19pm on April 23rd, 2009
whooo/ thats so amazing. so much detial and adj, omgosh so wonderful!
Posted at 10:21pm on April 23rd, 2009
/dies inside
Nice writing though. :)
Posted at 8:43pm on April 28th, 2009
honestly i have to admit your a better writer than myself. I rarely write but ive been wanting to write but i just dont really find the time. i have about 2 whole stories inside my head at this very moment. =( love it tho.
Posted at 8:46pm on April 28th, 2009
thanks so much.
Posted at 10:35pm on April 28th, 2009
You write better than me lol, you got potential, this was pretty good to read =)
Posted at 5:03am on April 29th, 2009
you should defiantly keep adding on to this cus i would like to see more of it :)
Posted at 12:00am on April 30th, 2009
So good I think I should know cuz' I failed Writing XD!
Posted at 12:10am on April 30th, 2009
good stuff very detailed- just watch using the same word very close to another- It was a real pain, not something he was imagining. He screamed in pain- possibly switch the second pain to agony? and i think you could change chamber to ventricle- other than that if was utterly amazing- and dont take anything i say as putting you down, just constructive criticism- you're the writer and only you know how you want to portray the story :)
Posted at 10:25pm on May 14th, 2009
my bad forgot to comment but its really good but i did get a little lost but otherwise its amazing. keep goin
Posted at 9:17pm on May 27th, 2009
not trying to be meen, but i can read this, its ether going to make me mad or sad... sorry
Posted at 9:48pm on June 15th, 2009
alright people! I know how much people hate war stories...but I wrote one and I need feedback from people other than my devoted fans...AKA my friends at school. So here goes nothing and PLEASE FEEL FREE TO COMMENT NICELY! I REALLY DON'T LIKE PEOPLE WHO HATE ON OTHER PEOPLE'S HARD WORK!!!!!
Title-I don't know yet...people can give suggestions on that too...
Setting-Germany 1944
Day 1-
I almost don't even remember how I got here. I recall looking for my stong and proud boyfriend, an American soldier amist a crowd of fear and chaos. When I found him, seeing him made me want to cry. He stood tall and his muscles fit into the uniform well. To tell the truth, I almost didn't recognize him...but the orange hair and loving-brown eyes kind of gave it away. He hugged me so...so passionately. But when Hitler came in and gave the orders...and he RESPONDED, that "loving" look in his American eyes soon became a hateful glare from a Nazi soldier. He brought me here. When I first arrived here,
Posted at 9:53pm on June 15th, 2009
they ordered that we remove our clothes and stand in a line. I attempted to cover my "frail little body" as the other women called it, but it was useless as I walked in the line. They pushed and shoved dozens of other women into the line as we walked, and a few brave souls even tried to escape. They were shot 3 steps into the "fool-proof" plan by nearby Nazi guards. I even saw Him shoot 2 small children. The older brother tried so hard to save his little baby of a sister...but he was shot first. I was so tempted to step out of line to save those children, but I knew my own life was in jeoprady. So I had to watch this evil deed be committed. They were only kids, the boy couldn't have been 10 years old...and to be killed like that, in such innocence...it's unbearable to think about.
I'm only going to write that much, but please comment or message me if you want to read more...if I get more than 2 people wanting to read the rest, then I'll type up all 43 pages...Thanks!
Posted at 10:03pm on June 15th, 2009
Your detail is amazing! I'm truly amazed by your work. Good job! Just one thing, never say that's all you got at the end. XD Makes you seem unprofessional. Otherwise, no complaints. I'm seeking students if you're interested.
Posted at 10:17pm on June 15th, 2009
omfg! amazing! Its just so good! i cant even explain!
Posted at 10:29pm on June 15th, 2009
I have to disagree with aichi on your detailing. It is good, yes, but you seem to detail the wrong things, which end up disrupting the flow of where the story could be going. There is a lot of things that are confusing and make you stop to think about how it would flow in your mind. Then again, this is only a few hundred words, so this isn't much at all to work with, but I do have to say it is rather nice. I'm not a fan of real world writing, though. Always been a fantasy person. =) That doesn't mean that I don't like your work; not in the least. I'd have to see more of this work to be able to make a rational decision about how I feel about this. *nodnod*
Posted at 10:34pm on June 15th, 2009
Whoa, I actually this.
You should write more stories and post them on here
Just let me know when you do :D
Posted at 10:35pm on June 15th, 2009
I'll keep everyone posted on when I write more stuff...and for anime lovers- I DO have a fanfiction.net account. My penname is IchiEki...
Posted at 1:59am on August 20th, 2009
Rose i think you should edit the beginning a tad bit. it seems slightly redundant or obvious but i think changing the sentence to "The car [began to spin] out of control...his girlfriend [released a bloodcurdling shriek]" beyond those two things i aint got nothing too say other than that i think your writing style is equivalent to alot of authors for teens currently writing or publishing books so if you wanna become a writer or author you most certainly have the talent
x)