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Incurable Posted on: April 23, 2009, at 04:40:02pm Short story I wrote, once upon a time. Incurable They say they don’t know what it is. “There is no cure…”,”There’s nothing we can do…”,”We’re trying our best…”, were the few sentences Michael was able to overhear throughout his last week in the hospital. Every day new doctors would run tests on him, but to no avail. He was so sick and tired of all the apologies he got from the doctors, that he promised himself he would kick the next one who said he was sorry. He was convinced that if it was one of their kids dying, they would try much harder to find a cure for his unknown disease. It all started when he was in elementary school. His mother got a call from the principle explaining that Michael had just coughed up blood and needed to go to the hospital straight away. That was eight years ago. Everyday Michael lost weight, every day his pain got worse. Unaware of her presence, Michael rested his head against the cold wall, waiting for the rush of pain to pass. It was another one of those nights; cold and rainy. He trembled and jerked as the searing pain burned his insides. It was another one of those nights; soon the nurse would come into the room and break the peaceful silence that he had tried so hard to obtain. Silence… it was the only case where Michael could feel at ease. Noise made him dizzy, which would eventually trigger the intolerable pain that hid inside of him. The rain tapped against the hospital windows without cease, the lighting illuminated the inside of the gloomy hospital room where tears ran down Michael’s face. Sitting on his heels, arms rapt around his midsection, he held his breath and began to count in his head; “One Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi, four Mississippi, five Mississippi”. His heart thumped violently when a hand dropped onto his shoulder. It was the nurse. His face went pale as he watched the nurse remove the needle from its packaging and dip it into the clear liquid-filled bottle. His mouth went dry as she lowered herself to his eye level to show him the needle. She took his arm, which was moist with sweat, and inserted the sharp end-point of the needle into his vein. He held his breath and began to count in his head; “One Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi, four Mississippi, five Mississippi”. She stood up, threw the used needle out, and then walked out of the room. Michael was alone once again, accompanied by only the sound of the rain. He crawled over to the window, his over-sized hospital gown scratched against the cold white tiles. Once he reached the window, he slid it opened, allowing the cold rain to hit his face. Within a minute, he was drenched. With his angelic blond hair pasted against his pale forehead, he shut his eyes for what he knew would be the last time. Enveloped in darkness, surrounded by nothing but the sound of the rain, Michael sat on his heels and took a deep breath. He began to count in his head; “One Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi, fou...” No one cried over the death of the child. After all, there was no cure. |
Posted at 6:40pm on April 23rd, 2009
I think that's a great beginning. I'm an aspiring author as well, so we writers need to stick together! lol. I think if there was a little more of the tragedy involved. Something like "they thought they had a cure,but when Michael was given the 3-inch injection,his eyes began bleeding from no serious wound. The doctors all watched in horror and in amazement as Michael became the first young adult to have a heart attack because of a cure. So that idea was out the window..." Or something like that. Just to get the reader's hopes up...lol. Otherwise,I loved reading it. Hopefully sometime soon,you can read one of my stories as well...lol
Posted at 6:45pm on April 23rd, 2009
oh,all right. Then I really liked that idea. Good job! =D I'm gonna set up my own random thought about my crap writing...lol
Posted at 6:46pm on April 23rd, 2009
Heh, I think it's a great idea. Lookin' forward to seein' what you can do! I'm working on a war-story currently. We'll see how that goes.
Posted at 9:14pm on April 23rd, 2009
Ohmygosh
That made me a little sad(In a good way)
Poor michael=[
Over all I thought it was great=D
Posted at 9:14pm on April 23rd, 2009
omg, that is soo freekin amazing!!! if you ever post more i cant wait! Its so incredible, i can name every descriptive word that there is, and none of those words will explain how good your story was. ^_^
Posted at 1:16pm on April 24th, 2009
This was sad..
But you do have talent.
Posted at 3:40pm on April 26th, 2009
The beginning seemed a little generic to me, and I had almost stopped reading it...
But went against what I thought, and finished reading it.
I must say it easily puts the images into my mind, and I didn't expect the ending.
Very well done.
Posted at 11:45pm on April 26th, 2009
Hm. lol, I noticed something I do when I'm writing, which is use an adjective in one line, and then again in the next. Other than that, I wonder if maybe a first person view might flow better, granted that really depends on where you're going with it. All-in-all, it's a solid opening, I could see it turning into something. I'm curious to see what that may be, though. ;) Nice job.
Posted at 11:46pm on April 26th, 2009
Or wait...was that the ending? lol. I had to read that twice.
Posted at 9:27pm on May 3rd, 2009
i dont like it... its sad =/
Posted at 7:16pm on May 6th, 2009
That was a really good story! you're really talented! =D I really like writing too but my writing's not THAT good :)
Posted at 11:23am on May 11th, 2009
Thats a GREAT story =) You are a very talented writer =] I can't wait to read more of what you write.
Posted at 9:10pm on May 12th, 2009
ppl!!! i am the best friend of this magnificent writer!! back off cuz i got first dibs on the first copy!! whoo!! jk! that was really awesome!!!
Posted at 8:41pm on June 4th, 2009
Oh yeah, you wanted me to comment on this.
Well, here is the comment.
:3
Posted at 9:39pm on June 15th, 2009
You need to write down that war story...I'll try one on for size too. I already finished writing this one that I'm posting on my profile, but I'm only putting on the first 3-4 pages...lol. Can't wait for more writing!
Love always,
Rose (Whitney for real names)
Posted at 5:27pm on June 17th, 2009
wow this was a good start
you're on your way boy :]
Posted at 1:17pm on August 2nd, 2009
this story is amazing! i can't wait for you to post more :D
Posted at 10:19am on June 10th, 2019
Sad story :( But well-written. I'd offer some constructive criticism but this was like 9 years ago now, so it's pointless, I'm sure you're a different person at this point. Thanks for the good read!