A tool is something you take out of the tool box when you NEED it.
When you need to fix something or take something apart .
And once you are finished, you put it away.
And wait until the next time you need it.
It's not something you want....just what you need.
That's how she used to see herself when someone needed her.
She gave that person the attention when they needed it
she listened, cared, comforted, and lifted that person out of the hole they were in.
But once they felt better, they forgot about her.
Put her away like she's some tool and took out her when she was needed.
She didn't care, because she just wanted to make people happy.
She kept on smiling when the just walked away.
The sad part is nobody was there when she needed someone.
And sadly nobody cared either.
She never liked to tell people how she felt or what she thought because she was afraid she would burden them.
She kept giving up her happiness for other people
That's what kept her going.
And when she failed someone she would be disappointed in herself
Knowing she failed someone and would keep trying again.
Eventually she grew tired of being just someone who kept getting put away.
She got tired of the lies.
She wanted to find something real that wouldn't use her.
But this world is so corrupted.
If she was a little selfish, people would get upset at her.
Shut her out and soon she began to realize who her friends were.
But she still cared too much and kept giving chances to people who didn't deserve it.
Still tired of being used,
But she kept going forward, trying to take care of herself rather than others.
Because she wants to be wanted not needed.
She is not at tool anymore,
She is not someone's temporary fix.
And refuses to be one again.

-Sika 1/18/15

Based off: "I see myself like a tool, I'm there for someone when they need me but once they are better they put me away. I show I care and try to make then happy because they smile I smile...that's what keeps me going....my daily goal is to make someone smile...."

I’m standing still, dreaming of the future, wondering what is to come.
In front of me is a labyrinth, filled with mysteries, tears of sadness and happiness.
Many people are sent to their own pathways, some cross with one another, some don’t.
I question whether I should walk into the maze, or walk around it and gain nothing.
Pondering on the decision, but without even thinking about it; I begin to walk forward.
Slowly going into the labyrinth, I see many path ways, but which one is the right one?
Left, right, forward, back, around I go, yet I couldn’t find the way out and found nothing.
Suddenly I find a path that seems to lead the way out and at the end I find someone.
Someone who seems so dear and sincere to me, a friend or lover?
He seems so promising to me, but is he the one for me?
I spend my time there and feel complete around him; I feel like I found the exit to this maze.
As time goes by he begins to change to someone I don’t know at all.
I begin to question him and he just turns his back to me and ignores all my concerns.
One day I saw him with another person, a girl, and he acted like he was in love with her.
Seeing this before my very own eyes, I left back to the labyrinth and cried with my first broken heart.
Desperate to get out of the maze, I keep going, panicking and searching.
After a few months of wandering around, I got better and learned from my first mistake.
And during these past few months, I made some good friends that were worth keeping in my heart.
Left, right, forward, back, around I go, yet I couldn’t find the right way out and kept getting broken hearts.
Until I reach another exit, and this time I enter with more caution.
I met another person, he seemed great and sweet, but I kept my distance.
When someone else entered, a male, and greeted the other person.
I was introduced to the second male and somehow fell in love immediately.
I stayed there for a while and found out the two were best friends.
The one I loved is the one I was more sincere with and he seemed to truly appreciate it.
Yet, he kept his distance and I didn’t understand why until he explained to me his broken love.
He was madly in love with a girl who didn’t love him the way he did.
I sat there and listened intently because I am his friend and he means so much to me.
His happiness means the world and that’s all that mattered to me.
I encouraged him to go look for her and to keep his love strong.
Strangely with him, I didn’t feel sadness or a broken heart; I felt happy…
Whenever I was with him, I felt so satisfied in life.
He didn’t love me and it didn’t bother me one bit.
One time I confessed my feelings to him and he felt the some sort of feelings towards me but didn’t pursue.
I don’t blame him at all because I know his heart belongs to his long lost love.
I stuck around for a very long time, almost a half a year.
But it was time for me to leave and continue my life.
The two males I met said their goodbyes to me as I left.
As I walked away, I felt a little sad because I left the person I know I truly loved.
If he asked me to do almost anything, I’d do it.
….But it was time I moved on…
I continued on and kept getting broken hearts from lovers and friends.
Once in a while I would hear from the person I loved but kept my feelings bottled up.
He would tell me what’s going on in his life and I would listen as he would listen about my life.
No where could I find my place to be and remained alone for a long while.
Until one day the person I love contacted me with some very sad news.
He tried to pursue the girl he loved again and rejected him once again.
But this time he was just giving up and started looking for a new girl, but found no success.
It took me a while to realize that I actually had a chance with him.
But it would take a year to go back and find him.
From where I stood, I turned around and began running to where he was.
Unfortunately I was deep into the maze and had a very long journey ahead of me.
I only had one problem…I was afraid; I was scared that he wouldn’t love me.
Part of me began to give up and the other part didn’t, so I would go off track once in a while.
But I hope I make it one day and that I’m not too late because what if he is the one?
And what if he isn’t?
Either way, it didn’t matter because as long as he was in my life, I was happy.
So here I am, in this labyrinth trying to find my way back for him.
And honestly, it doesn’t matter what happens anymore.
Because in the end he is worth it all for me.
And if I get a broken heart again, then I must continue on in my journey.
…Just like everyone else in life.

-Sika 4/18/14

Across the sky are stars that are so faithful to their beautiful moon.
Stars that glimmer happily to have the moon with them.
The moon is happy to have so many stars because without the stars the night sky would be dark.
And without the moons other half, the sun, there would be no sky at all.
Together the moon and sun dance around the earth together with their stars surrounded by them.
All of them made the perfect connection.
Of course, time to time the stars became jealous of the sun and moon.
And those stars would just stop shining and leave them alone.

When one day the sun's light began to die.
The moon's light depended on the sun's light and slowly lost it's brightness.
One by one, the stars lights began to go out, leaving the moon alone.
Eventually few stars were left to be with the moon, the brightest stars of them all.
The moon had lost enough from its life.
It lost its lover and friends.
Until one the night, the stars left the moon all alone.
Leaving the moon in the dark, unable to show its beauty.
Because the sun is what made the sun beautiful.
But now the moon is dark and unknown the world because it is sunless and starless.

But wait, there is one tiny star that has been there the whole time and the moon loved it so much.
The star stayed because unlike all the stars, it was able to see it's beauty.
The moon had found a best friend, one who cared about it.
The little star would dance around the moon, making it feel beautiful once again.
Nobody else needed to see the moon's beauty because it had that one little star.

One day another star came looking for the little star.
The little star was happy to see a fellow star and begged the star to stay.
But the star refused to stay and explained that the moon was not beautiful without the sun
The little star argued with the other star saying that the moon is still the same moon that had the sun.
That the moon had never changed and remained the same.
But the star didn't listen and left the little star.

The little star was sad and felt a little lonely that none of its own liked the moon.
The moon tried comforting the little star but nothing would help.
Eventually the little star left with to where the other stars went to.
The moon felt so betrayed, so broken inside because it thought it had a true friend.
But the little star was selfish and couldn't stay with the moon.
The moon cried but nobody knew because no light was shined on the moon.
Because the sun and stars left the moon to be alone.
And for that the moon was never found again.

04.09.2013

I bet you can't guess who I am, but I can explain how I feel.
The best way to express it is like a long lost pebble.
A pebble found in a mine where all the miners are looking for special stones.
Little did anyone know that this pebble carried a rare gem deep inside it.
The pebble came to explore the world when a young female miner had mined it out.
Except the pebble fell into the miners pocket and was taken to her home.
The miner cleans out her clothing outside to get rid of all the rocks.
Making sure she doesn't have any rocks inside her house and the pebble falls onto the cement.
The pebble is lost on its own, with no one to discover its true beauty.
Throughout the day the pebble is pushed and abused with cars and people.
Cars would run over it and people would kick it around for their own amusement.
Yet nobody had decided to pick up the pebble and look inside.
The pebble lets people take advantage of it as if its just waiting for the right person.

That is how my life is, where I constantly look for the right person to open me up.
Yet I feel like I failed multiple times and can't get it right.
I strived hard to keep people happy and let them do what they wanted with me.
It was like I was their tool to happiness.
As long as they were happy, I was happy.

The pebble traveled all around, hoping someone would pick it up.
It went through rough times where it was placed in a brick wall and torn down.
Used up and beaten up.
Went through fires and dumpsters but nobody saw the pebble as something that was special.
The pebble just needed to be opened up a little so someone could appreciate it.
It would have little pieces of rock falling off but never enough for people to see the special gem.
Many other pebbles and rocks were found to be special because they shined out their beauty.
But the pebble just needed that little opening because it wanted to shine out to the right person.
Unlike all the others who shined out, trying to compete with each other to see who is best.
The pebble went through hurricanes, tsunamis, tornados and many natural disasters.
Until one day the pebble was at it's last piece of life.
The pebbles special gem was slowly dying because it needed something...
Love.

It was laying next many rocks near a lake.
A young man comes and sits on a larger rock listening to his music.
When he sees the pebble and picks it up.
The pebble was so happy that someone had finally picked it up.
The young man was around his lower twenties and was tossing the rock back and forth between his hands.
After a while he examined it and was curious about the pebble.
He didn't know why he was so interested when someone called him.
The young man lifts his head as he is called; it was his lover.
He gets up with the rock in his hand and looks at it again.
He looks up at the lake and lifts up his hand that has the pebble high up.
And tosses the pebble into the lake to try to get it to skip across the lake.
Although the pebble only made it halfway across the lake and soon drowned.
When it reached the bottom it hit a bunch of other pebbles who's inner beauty was never shown.
Nobody opened these pebbles to see how special they were because the world is too shallow.
The pebble realizes that it is never to be found and accepts its fate.
It belonged in the lake where nobody can reach it.

Here I was older and still have not found a lover, just like the little pebble.
That pebble was how my life was, where I constantly kept trying and got no where.
I felt like I was nothing and had no chance of finding someone.
I am a human who failed to look at other pebbles beauty.
Not that I was shallow but because I was blinded.
The pebble had a chance at finding someone, if it had only never moved.
It should have let someone find it, just as I shouldn't have let someone find me.
But I kept looking and looking while I passed the one person who could have been my world.
I let myself get hurt so many times and now I just want someone to find me because now I can't go anywhere.
I'm trapped inside a box just like the pebble in the lake, its like I'm suffocating.
And yet no one will ever find me...open me up and see my beauty.
It feels like I am never meant to be opened and remain alone.

But someone did find the little pebble in the lake...
A man who went swimming into the lake and saw the pebble shining only to him.
The suns reflection hit the pebble just perfect for the man to swim down and get it.
And when that pebble was found, I, too, was found.
Yet, I have so many bruises and heart aches that now I fear opening up.
I want to stay in my little ball and never open up...
Even though I have you, I'm scared that what you find is not special to you.
Yet I want someone to open me up completely.
I want to be found.
Yet I'm so afraid to fail again.

-Sika 3/31/13

There’s always something that lies in your heart,
It can be pain, love, problem or maybe even someone.
It may not be there every day or every week,
But when it comes to your mind, it becomes a long memory.
A memory of whoever or whatever it is.
And when it comes up in your mind, you try to avoid it and ignore it.
It’s like you try to shut a mental door to that memory.
But the door seems to never close.
You keep trying and trying for days, months and years.
Yet it still remains there in your mind and heart.
And remain in denial about it and turn away from it.
When you try dealing with it, your mind just gets confused as to what you should do.
You hesitate and wonder if it’s best to turn your back.
You constantly keep pushing the door as you think about this.
If you are strong enough, then in time you will close it
But if you aren’t, then that memory will keep haunting you.
And that memory will hurt people around you too if it involves or effects them.
It’s a constant mental battle to keep it in.
Don’t give in if it’s a good memory that leads to a bad memory,
Or if its just a bad memory in general.
Turn away from it and keep going on in life,
Stay where you are.
Because they say you never know what you have until you lose it.
You could have a good job, life, lover, family and you don’t even know it.
But if you hurt it and lose it, then getting it back can be very hard.
Just be careful what you say and how you are,
Because you could be hurting it.
Life is a battle and sometimes you have to fight yourself to prevent any pain to anyone.
Just remember the memories you have are always there,
Whether you close some of them or not is up to you.
But just know that going back to those memories can hurt others.
Don’t give, be strong and close the door.

-Sika 5/1/14