Sick of it.
Posted on: June 3, 2011, at 01:20:41am




I'm tired of the people in this terrible, terrible place. I'm sick of the quiet. I'm sick of it all. I miss the sound of the traffic. I thought, I knew; I just fucking knew I'd have a few years of solitude to get my emotions into place and myself together before I once again injected myself into society. I'd find out what peace felt like. I'd find some sort of zen in the thickness of the woods. Of course not. Instead, I feel like I'm imploding. Some sort of dense, terrible thing is amassing in the pit of my stomach and it won't go away. It screams at me constantly, some sort of compulsion to dig myself into a deeper, lonelier state.

Two years I've been alone now. It's funny how time changes when you're alone. Minutes turn to hours, hours into days; evenings are the longest. Even the television can't console me anymore. It raised me for years and years only to leave me alone and turn its back on me just like everyone else.

Even physical contact has become sort of sick game. At first I thought it was my natural compulsion to avoid handshakes, hugs, and high fives. It's a sick game now. How can Acie keep from touching you? How can he deprive himself of the pain that he will eventually both receive and create? I now keep track of how long it's been since I've felt the touch of another. Two years now, a bit longer. I suppose I could count the minutes exactly. But, that sick sense of pleasure I get from knowing the numbers, I don't deserve it.

It's funny to think that one or two choices in my life led to this. I suppose if anything I could stand testament to the importance of each action in one's life and how seriously it can impact you. No matter how little it seems, it will come full circle. You, whoever you are, never forget that. Never take love, friendship, or even a passing glance for granted. And for fucks sake, if you do end up in my position, don't be an ass and whine about it like I do.