The Joke Thread

[Reincarnate]

This is slightly different from the you-laugh-you-lose thread.

This is just for text jokes. No YT videos or anything like that.

[justin_ator]

laugh*

I'll try to get a good one sometime later =]

[m0de]

pretty bad at remembering these, although ill post some.

a bartender is wiping down the bar when a man walks in. he sits down at the bar and orders 2 shots of tequila. the bartender asks "whats the occasion?" the man replys "my first blowjob!" so the bartender hands the man his 2 shots, and the man takes his 2 shots. the bartender then asks the man if he would like another shot.. the man replies "no, no.. im good. if the first 2 shots didnt get the taste of dick out of my mouth, i dont think the 3rd will."

[iironiic]

I have some racist ones lmfao... I don't want to post them in risk of getting banned though hahahaha

[m0de]

Originally Posted by iironiic

I have some racist ones lmfao... I don't want to post them in risk of getting banned though hahahaha

exactly. i have a few that would def get me banned. x_x

[YoshL]

this russian guy used to go around digging up stuff on old battlefields
so one day, he digs up a bomb
and so he goes around showing it to his friends
until it blows up and rips his arms off at the shoulders
it just goes to show, in soviet russia, bomb disarms you

[rushyrulz]

rofl yoshl

[PrawnSkunk]

What happened to the sailors when the red ship and the blue ship collided?

they got marooned

[FFRGreen]

I got one

There's a man, about forty. He's always wanted to be a lighthouse keeper. Currently he's a biochemical toxicologist. He hates it, and on the commute in the morning he longingly looks at the lighthouse on the bluffs, wishing that he had the courage to just drop his life and live the serene, wonderful life of a lighthouse keeper.

He makes a significant breakthrough at work, and discovers an agent that can be placed into normal drinking water that will decrease the chance of cancerous tumours developing in humans with no adverse side effects. He becomes so engrossed in this breakthrough that he forgets all about his dream and focuses intently on his work. Three weeks later, he is about to propose his idea to the council and to unwind before the presentation he picks up the local newspaper to attempt the puzzle, a luxury he's not had in months.

He's looking through, trying to find the puzzle page that he wants, when he spies an advert. Only small, but his attention is drawn to it immediately - "Lighthouse Keeper Wanted".

All thoughts of his presentation go out of the window. This is a chance to fulfil his dream! He phones the number in the ad immediately and gets the current lighthouse keeper - he explains that he needs to get out of the job as quickly as possible, and will sell the lighthouse to the man at a significant discount in order to speed up the sale. His wages, he explain, will come from the city. The man accepts without hesitation.

All through the next day, the man is shaking with excitement. He can't keep his mind on the presentation, but it seems to go well - all he can think of is the relaxing life that his dream will bring him. He drives home in a daze and packs everything he thinks he'll need. It all fills a single suitcase.

He has a restless night, but when he gets up in the morning he's as fresh as a daisy. He's going to be a lighthouse keeper! This is something he never thought would happen and now he's cast off the shackles of his daily life and taken the plunge. It's scary, but he knows it'll all be worth it.

At ten in the morning he meets the old lighthouse keeper at the docks. He's a grizzled old man who looks like he hasn't shaven in days, or slept for even longer. He mumbles something about bulbs, and hands over the keys to the lighthouse in exchange for a wad of cash, before limping away, squeaking occasionally. The man climbs down to a small rowing boat that the lighthouse keeper had indicated to him, and rows out to sea with his single suitcase. He can hardly contain himself, and it seems to take an age to get to the outcrop where the lighthouse stands. Finally, the boat bumps against solid rock, and the an fumbles to tie the boat to the crude dock. He runs up the stone steps and into the lighthouse, unlocking the large oak door with a giant, rusty key.

It swings open to reveal a large, round room with a spiral staircase stretching around the outside, disappearing into a floor way above the man's head. There is a kitchen down here, a dining table that would struggle to seat two people, and a small toilet in a little room under the stairs. The rest of the room is taken up by a large sofa and pouffe that has seen better days, and it's a little chilly, but the man ignores all of this - this is a dream to him.

He unpacks his food into the cupboards and drags his suitcase behind him up the stairs. He knows from researching the lighthouse that it has seventy-three stairs, so he counts them as he walks up, just to savour the moment. When he gets to the thirty-seventh, he notices a small hole at the base of the wall and as he takes a closer look, a little green mouse with a piece of blue cheese in its mouth runs out of its hole, runs around his leg three times, squeaks, and goes back into its hole.

The man is so surprised that he almost falls down the stairs. What on earth?! He bends down to peek into the hole, but can't see anything any more. He ponders this for a second, and then wanders up the stairs again, thinking that when he gets to the mainland tomorrow he ought to buy some mouse traps.

He gets to the top and there are five doors. Four of them lead into a bedroom, one considerably larger than the others, which he takes for himself, and unpacks his things. Soon after, it feels very homely. He decides that he had better check out the light itself and make sure he understands how it works before his first night. Fortunately, he's had this dream so long that he could probably do it in his sleep. He goes through the fifth door, climbs the stairs, and check out the light. It's lucky he did, because it's busted. He needs to go and get a new one. So he heads downstairs to get one out of storage. He realises that he forgot to count the stairs on the way up after he found the mouse, so he begins to count on the way down, but as soon as he gets to the thirty-seventh, a little green mouse with a piece of blue cheese in its mouth runs out of its hole, runs around his leg three times, squeaks, and goes back into its hole.

He pauses again, but works out that actually, he was right, the lighthouse does have seventy-three steps in total. Ignoring the mouse for now, he goes downstairs and looks in the storage closet, and sure enough, there's a spare bulb. He hauls it out, and heads back upstairs to screw it in. And on the thirty-seventh step, a little green mouse with a piece of blue cheese in its mouth runs out of its hole, runs around his leg three times, squeaks, and goes back into its hole.

He installs the new light and tests it. It nearly blinds him with its power, and so he turns it off quickly, making a mental note to come and turn it on in the evening. He heads downstairs, and on the thirty-seventh step, a little green mouse with a piece of blue cheese in its mouth runs out of its hole, runs around his leg three times, squeaks, and goes back into its hole.

He sits down on the battered sofa and gets out the newspaper from the other day. He cuts out the advertisement that he answered and sticks it to the fridge, and then he phones his old boss and quits, no notice. He knows he can live off his lighthouse keeper wage and the results of his cancer inhibition agent for years, now. He opens the newspaper to the puzzle he didn't finish a few days before, and by the time he finishes it, it's getting dark. So he heads upstairs to turn the light on. And on the thirty-seventh step, a little green mouse with a piece of blue cheese in its mouth runs out of its hole, runs around his leg three times, squeaks, and goes back into its hole.

He pulls the lever and remembers to shield his eyes this time. The light flickers into life and starts rotating, and the man feels a great sense of accomplishment. He heads downstairs to make himself some dinner, and on the thirty-seventh step, a little green mouse with a piece of blue cheese in its mouth runs out of its hole, runs around his leg three times, squeaks, and goes back into its hole.

The shops are shut, now. There's no point in going ashore to get a mouse trap. He decides to go tomorrow, though - this is getting silly.

After making himself a rather extravagant dinner, the man heads back upstairs to go to bed, and on the thirty-seventh step, a little green mouse with a piece of blue cheese in its mouth runs out of its hole, runs around his leg three times, squeaks, and goes back into its hole. He tries to kick it, but the mouse avoids him deftly. He goes up into the master bedroom, wraps himself in his duvet and falls into one the calmest sleeps he's had in years.

A few hours later, he's woken up by a thunderous pounding. He can hear the wind whistling around the lighthouse, and the boom of thunder, and through it all, a rhythmic thud, which after some deliberation he realises is someone knocking on the lighthouse door. He jumps out of bed and runs downstairs to let whoever it is out of the rain, and on the thirty-seventh step, a little green mouse with a piece of blue cheese in its mouth runs out of its hole, runs around his leg three times, squeaks, and goes back into its hole, but the man doesn't notice.

He flings open the door and there's a teenager in a cagoule and sou-wester, drenched to the bone, looking exhausted. The man hurries him in, makes some tea, and gets his story. He explains, in a heavy Liverpudlian accent, that he was the son of a millionaire, and had been out in his private yacht alone when the storm hit. It carried him onto the rocks near the lighthouse and wrecked him - he was lucky to get out alive. The man offers his use of one of the spare rooms for the night, and a change into dry clothes - the teenager gladly accepts, and they head upstairs. On the thirty-seventh step, a little green mouse with a piece of blue cheese in its mouth runs out of its hole, runs around each of their legs three times each, squeaks twice, and goes back into its hole. The teenager is too tired to notice, but the man wonders why it has changed its routine.

After seeing the teenager into the first spare bedroom, the man retires to his room, and falls into another deep sleep. A few hours later, he is awoken by another booming noise - he realises it must be another person at the door. He jumps out of bed, runs downstairs, and on the thirty-seventh step, a little green mouse with a piece of blue cheese in its mouth runs out of its hole, runs around his leg three times, squeaks, and goes back into its hole. He pulls open the great door and there's a woman, about his age, standing there in rags. He brings her in and immedately offers her a change of clothes and a cup of tea. He makes the tea and takes her to the second spare room, where she will be staying the night. She begins her story, in broken English, of how she was trying to cross the border into the country, but the ship she was on was wrecked and she had to swim for the lighthouse. She doesn't know what happened to the rest of the crew. As she begins to stop, they reach the thirty-seventh step, and a little green mouse with a piece of blue cheese in its mouth runs out of its hole, runs around each of their legs three times each, squeaks twice, and goes back into its hole. The woman stops abruptly, and says nothing else, even when the man provides her with a dry set of pyjamas and shows here into the second room.

The man goes back to bed and sleeps again, a little lighter than before. He's awoken with a start when there is another thunderous rapping at the door. This must be a dream, surely? After a few minutes he is forced to concede that it can't be, and so he heads downstairs again. On the thirty-seventh step, a little green mouse with a piece of blue cheese in its mouth runs out of its hole, runs around his leg three times, squeaks, and goes back into its hole. Opening the door, he sees an elderly man, dressed very obviously in a naval captain's uniform. He stutters about being ashamed, and then collapses into the doorway. The man catches him, takes him upstairs, and on the thirty-seventh step, a little green mouse with a piece of blue cheese in its mouth runs out of its hole, runs around each of their legs three times each, squeaks twice, and goes back into its hole. Seeing the old man into the third spare room, the man goes back to his bed, hoping and praying that there will be no more people washing up at his lighthouse this night.

He wakes in the morning, and goes upstairs to turn off the light. He wanders downstairs and on the thirty-seventh step, a little green mouse with a piece of blue cheese in its mouth runs out of its hole, runs around his leg three times, squeaks, and goes back into its hole. He uses the phone by the door to ring the Coastguard so that they can come and pick up the shipwrecked three, and goes back upstairs to tell them, and on the thirty-seventh step, a little green mouse with a piece of blue cheese in its mouth runs out of its hole, runs around his leg three times, squeaks, and goes back into its hole.

He knocks on the first door, tells the teenager that help is coming, and asks what he would like for breakfast. "Froot Loops," comes the reply. The man heads downstairs to get the teenager a bowl, and on the thirty-seventh step, a little green mouse with a piece of blue cheese in its mouth runs out of its hole, runs around his leg three times, squeaks, and goes back into its hole. He makes a bowl of Froot Loops and heads back upstairs, and on the thirty-seventh step, a little green mouse with a piece of blue cheese in its mouth runs out of its hole, runs around his leg three times, squeaks, and goes back into its hole. He gives the teenager his Froot Loops.

He knocks on the second door and asks the woman what she would like. After a short discussion about what he has, she settles on cornflakes. He heads downstairs to make a bowl, and on the thirty-seventh step, a little green mouse with a piece of blue cheese in its mouth runs out of its hole, runs around his leg three times, squeaks, and goes back into its hole. He makes a bowl of cornflakes and brings it up to the woman and on the thirty-seventh step, a little green mouse with a piece of blue cheese in its mouth runs out of its hole, runs around his leg three times, squeaks, and goes back into its hole.

He knocks on the door of the old man. They have a short conversation about the events of the night before, and the captain is eternally grateful for the man saving him. He is ashamed for not having gone down with his ship, but already has plans for another one, bigger, stronger, and able to carry more cargo. The man asks if he would like a hot breakfast, but the captain explains that in his old age his stomach doesn't wake up as early as it used to and so he'd like just a bowl of cornflakes.

And so the man heads downstairs to make the captain a bowl, and on the thirty-seventh step, a little green mouse with a piece of blue cheese in its mouth runs out of its hole, runs around his leg three times, squeaks, and goes back into its hole. After making a bowl of cornflakes (and heaping extra on because he'd taken a shine to the old man), he heads back upstairs to give it to him, and on the thirty-seventh step, a little green mouse with a piece of blue cheese in its mouth runs out of its hole, runs around his leg three times, squeaks, and goes back into its hole. He gives the cornflakes to the old man, and realises he's not had breakfast himself yet. So he heads downstairs, and on the thirty-seventh step, a little green mouse with a piece of blue cheese in its mouth runs out of its hole, runs around his leg three times, squeaks, and goes back into its hole. Just as he enters the kitchen, however, there's a polite knock on the door, and the man goes to open it. It's the Coastguard, here to pick up the stragglers. So he asks him to wait, and heads upstairs to fetch all three people. He collects them all, and the four of them head downstairs, the man helping the captain down.

And on the thirty-seventh step, a little green mouse with a piece of blue cheese in its mouth runs out of its hole, runs around each of their legs three times each, squeaks four times, and goes back into its hole.

They reach the bottom of the stairs. The three thank the man for his hospitality, and he says that it was no problem - he was glad that he could help, on his first night of being a lighthouse keeper. As he watches the Coastguard sail away and waves, he realises that this experience has been more than he anticipated. He's realised that he's learned something quite interesting.

What has he learned?

That two out of three people prefer cornflakes to Froot Loops.

[YoshL]

Sometimes....I want to name my ipod "The Titanic", so that when I plug it into my computer, it says "The Titanic is synching"

Two mathematicians are at a beach trying to figure out how the amount of suntan a person gets varies with temperature

After various tests, they found that at 60 degrees F, people got 7% tanned.
At 70 degrees, it was 15%
at 80 degrees, it was 23%
at 90 degrees, it went down to 0%.
For weeks, they were desperate to understand the results.
Finally, the answer came to them
"OF COURSE!" one says to the other

"The tan of 90 degrees doesn't exist!"

A couple is walking down the street in Communist Russia
The wife feels something on her arm, and says to her husband "Dear, I think it's raining"
The husband disagrees "nope, that's no rain"
The argument continues until they come across a local walking the other way
"Sir?" calls the husband "Sir, what's your name?"
"Rudolph" the man replies.
"Do you think it's raining at the moment?"
The man looks up and ponders for a while.
He looks back and decides "no, no it's not raining."
The couple walks away, the husband satisfied, thinking he's won.
The wife isn't convinced. "Who says he's right?"
The husband smiles, looks at his wife and says
"Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear"

[nois-or-e]

what has 2 legs and bleeds

half a dog

[Nyokou]

Originally Posted by nois-or-e

what has 2 legs and bleeds

half a dog

only good one in this thread

[inDheart]

what painstaking labor you apply to formatting those jokes, yoshl

[YoshL]

Originally Posted by inDheart

what painstaking labor you apply to formatting those jokes, yoshl

I know right? You're one of the couple who actually knows where I'm getting these haha

[tryanothertimeok]

A Black guy, Mexican, and a Jew walk into a bar.
The bartender says, Get the fxck out.

[rushyrulz]

FFRGreen that's mean x.x
Was a delightful story tho.

[tryanothertimeok]

What's funnier than a dead baby.

A dead baby in a clown costume.

[rushyrulz]

I have tons of dead baby jokes that aren't suitable for FFR lol.

[Crashfan3]

All my good jokes are racist, so this will have to do. :/

One evening, a man walks into a bar and orders 3 pints of beer. He drinks them all, pays, and leaves. The next evening he returns and does it again, and again the evening after that.

For about a week he continues to do this before the bartender finally asks, "Why do you order 3 pints of beer every evening?"

The man replies, "I have two brothers who are serving in the military. Before they left, we all agreed that we would drink a pint of beer each night until we're reunited, one for each brother that couldn't be with us, just in case one of us doesn't make it home safe."

So the man continues to do this for a few months until one day he walks in and orders two pints of beer. The bartender notices his change in the usual order, and offers his condolences, but the other man replies, "Oh, no, you don't understand. My brothers are just fine, but my wife told me to quit drinking."

[justin_ator]

A man walks into a bar

and says ouch