Suicide.

[masterhickle]

I've witnessed my share of deaths - I have a fairly large family. Since the time I was about 14 or 15, there's been at least 12 deaths in my family (aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins). Don't even try to tell me that that hasn't taken some kind of toll on me. Each death makes me realize more and more how vulnerable I really am, how easily it could happen to me.

I've been through my share of states of depression. I have an 18 month old daughter and a wonderful fiancee, but I consider myself lucky if I get to see my fiancee once a week and (since she's usually asleep when I get to see my fiancee) my daughter MAYBE every other week (I think I've seen her twice this month). I hardly get to see my family, even less my friends. My dad lost his job and was out of work for three months, and, being in a family with 4 kids, we've been going through hell to just stabilize ourselves. My mom works full-time night shifts at a hospital, so she sleeps through the day. My dad is on the road for up to (and sometimes more than) two weeks at a time. Whenever either of them happen to be off of work on the same night, I have to work, so I don't get to spend time with them.

Edit: I have friends that have been kicked out of their houses even before the age of 16 and have had to live on the street for a time, working two or three jobs to try and get by. My cousin got kicked out of his house on his 18th birthday and his parents left him with nowhere to go. They're both still alive and going, even though their families didn't care about them.

I'm now working 40 hours a week at one job and starting to work a second job. I plan to be working at least 70 hours a week - I'm only 21. I'm barely getting myself by from paycheck to paycheck, let alone be able to do for my daughter what I want to do for her.

My life is miserable. I just break down and cry because I don't have the luxury of being able to spend time with my family, my fiancee, or my daughter. I still get to talk to my friends late at night when I have the time, and that's enough for them and me.



Q:What's the point to this post?
A: There's always a reason to live, no matter what a person may think. Have I sunk into depression? Yes. I've drank to the point of delirium to get myself away from reality, but I don't rely on it. Do I want out of this? You'd be crazy to think I don't want out of it, but I've never even considered taking myself out of this world. I've accepted that my life is miserable now, but I tell myself that things will get better with time.

What's my reason to live? I have people that need me. My parents need me to watch and take care of my 12 and 7 year old sister and brother when they aren't around. My fiancee needs me to provide money for us, even if she knows it means that I'll hardly get to see much of her or our daughter for a few months.


I don't care who hates me for this (I know someone will). Mental illnesses aside, Suicide is selfish. There's always a reason to continue living. If you can't find that reason, you just don't care enough about the people around you, whether or not you think they care.