Funny Terrible Bad Opening Paragraphs of Novels

runemanqwe · 08-14-2008, 04:44 PM

The McCain boys strode off proudly to fight in the Civil War, one for the Union and one for the Confederacy, neither of them giving a single thought to who would play them in the television movie of their story, which would be decided more than a hundred years later by 20-something casting agents who kept getting the Civil War and World War II mixed up.

When Debbie decided that Salt ‘n’ Pepper Beard was the most attractive pirate on the ship, she realized that choosing him was due to the advice of Sylvia, her new Life Coach, to be realistic about her own age and to open herself up to romance where it lay, unlike the troublesome past where she would have wished that only the younger pirates take advantage of her.

The king’s men breathed heavily under their thick black hoods as they secured the wrists and ankles of prisoner William Tumey of Kent and as the rack’s handle began to turn the ropes tightened and William’s limbs were slowly stretched in opposite directions until his spine began to pop much like a bag of Redenbachers in a microwave and for something like the time it takes a hummingbird’s wings to complete one cycle William smiled and euphorically languished in perfect lumbar alignment.

A single sparkling tear fell from Little Mary’s cheek onto the sidewalk, then slid into the storm drain, there to join in its course the mighty waters of the Los Angeles River and, eventually, Long Beach Harbor, with its state-of-the-art container-freight processing facilities.

Lisa moved like a cat, not the kind of cat that moves with a slinky grace but more like the kind that always falls off the book shelf when he’s washing himself and then gets all mad at you like it’s your fault (which it wasn’t although it probably was kind of mean to laugh at him like that), although on the bright side, she hardly ever attacked Ricky’s toes in his sleep.

He rose quickly when she entered, not like the flag being raised at the American Legion in a jerky fashion, but more like the light red Creme Soda in the straw of a teenage girl or boy on the back porch of his mobile home late in the evening.

Mentch · 08-14-2008, 04:59 PM

Titles of the novels.

IMO: Not the best first post.

IAAW · 08-14-2008, 05:42 PM

Agh! This literature is making my brain hurt. =\

tsugomaru · 08-14-2008, 06:09 PM

Your first post doesn't have to be amazing you know.

~Tsugomaru

moches · 08-14-2008, 08:20 PM

as evidenced by my first post.

i think it was "something about the length of the Megaman song in FFR and that nobody cared."

**Beethovens mask** · 08-14-2008, 08:30 PM

My first post probably sucked...

**hoochan** · 08-14-2008, 08:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Beethovens mask

My first post probably sucked...

and each one after that did too

**hoochan** · 08-14-2008, 08:37 PM

hate to break it to you kid but da troof hertz

JKPolk · 08-14-2008, 08:44 PM

Call me Ishmael.

**hoochan** · 08-14-2008, 08:45 PM

polk, please tell me that that is not from moby dick because i have to read that book this year for english and i heard it was awful

**Beethovens mask** · 08-14-2008, 08:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hoochan

hate to break it to you kid but da troof hertz

You are such a ******. I'm sorry, but you're worse than azngreen, and that's saying something. If you feel the need to randomly flame people, including me, why don't you send me a descriptive private message?

I would enjoy to read about how a person of your high esteem posts so well. I mean, in all my forum time I have never seen such a great poster, in fact you are so great at posting, the no double posting rule doesn't even apply to you.

So "hoochan", can you help me out? Maybe tell me how it's done. I haven't really gotten the hold of posting yet. Maybe make a video tutorial?

In fact, I would love to see a video of you trying to be witty and smart. You might be even more of a douche bag than you are on the internet than in real life.

Xx{Midday}xX · 08-14-2008, 08:51 PM

Here's the whole first chapter of a book:

The Story.

Next page, second chapter. O_o

Anyone care to go find my first post under the account ap19? =_=

Quote:

February 15th, 2007, 05:46 AM Replies: 13

Wat do u hate the most?
Views: 200
Posted By ap19
Re: Wat do u hate the most?

I hate how some songs arent color coded. Its easier with colors. I like colors anyway.

First post.

**hoochan** · 08-14-2008, 08:53 PM

ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

oh my God

kid you are a gold mine and you dont even know it

poochieCREAM · 08-14-2008, 08:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Xx{Midday}xX

Here's the whole first chapter of a book:

The Story.

sounds amazing

**Beethovens mask** · 08-14-2008, 08:56 PM

You're an idiot and everybody knows it.

**hoochan** · 08-14-2008, 09:02 PM

it seems as though you have figured me out man

i guess you win lol u're a ****ing idiot

JKPolk · 08-14-2008, 09:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hoochan

polk, please tell me that that is not from moby dick because i have to read that book this year for english and i heard it was awful

SURPRISE. It is.

**hoochan** · 08-14-2008, 09:26 PM

the world hates me and everyone that is taking mr partidge's honors english 11

**MystictheHedgehog** · 08-14-2008, 09:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hoochan

and each one after that did too

Quote:

Originally Posted by hoochan

hate to break it to you kid but da troof hertz

Quote:

Originally Posted by Beethovens mask

You are such a ******. I'm sorry, but you're worse than azngreen, and that's saying something. If you feel the need to randomly flame people, including me, why don't you send me a descriptive private message?

I would enjoy to read about how a person of your high esteem posts so well. I mean, in all my forum time I have never seen such a great poster, in fact you are so great at posting, the no double posting rule doesn't even apply to you.

So "hoochan", can you help me out? Maybe tell me how it's done. I haven't really gotten the hold of posting yet. Maybe make a video tutorial?

In fact, I would love to see a video of you trying to be witty and smart. You might be even more of a douche bag than you are on the internet than in real life.

Quote:

Originally Posted by hoochan

ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

oh my God

kid you are a gold mine and you dont even know it

Quote:

Originally Posted by Beethovens mask

You're an idiot and everybody knows it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by hoochan

it seems as though you have figured me out man

i guess you win lol u're a ****ing idiot

Sorry guys, but both of you need to freaking grow up.

My first post was something on asking about playing styles. So it was probably retarded.

SpammyMcSquirrel · 08-14-2008, 10:09 PM

Meh, my first post wasn't too bad, but I used colored fonts. =\

Quote:

Originally Posted by SpammyMcSquirrel

http://img390.imageshack.us/img390/4...scorer1iu7.png
awful score. D:

08-14-2008, 04:44 PM	#1
runemanqwe FFR Player Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: somewhere in Nevada Age: 35 Posts: 20	Funny Terrible Bad Opening Paragraphs of Novels The McCain boys strode off proudly to fight in the Civil War, one for the Union and one for the Confederacy, neither of them giving a single thought to who would play them in the television movie of their story, which would be decided more than a hundred years later by 20-something casting agents who kept getting the Civil War and World War II mixed up. When Debbie decided that Salt ‘n’ Pepper Beard was the most attractive pirate on the ship, she realized that choosing him was due to the advice of Sylvia, her new Life Coach, to be realistic about her own age and to open herself up to romance where it lay, unlike the troublesome past where she would have wished that only the younger pirates take advantage of her. The king’s men breathed heavily under their thick black hoods as they secured the wrists and ankles of prisoner William Tumey of Kent and as the rack’s handle began to turn the ropes tightened and William’s limbs were slowly stretched in opposite directions until his spine began to pop much like a bag of Redenbachers in a microwave and for something like the time it takes a hummingbird’s wings to complete one cycle William smiled and euphorically languished in perfect lumbar alignment. A single sparkling tear fell from Little Mary’s cheek onto the sidewalk, then slid into the storm drain, there to join in its course the mighty waters of the Los Angeles River and, eventually, Long Beach Harbor, with its state-of-the-art container-freight processing facilities. Lisa moved like a cat, not the kind of cat that moves with a slinky grace but more like the kind that always falls off the book shelf when he’s washing himself and then gets all mad at you like it’s your fault (which it wasn’t although it probably was kind of mean to laugh at him like that), although on the bright side, she hardly ever attacked Ricky’s toes in his sleep. He rose quickly when she entered, not like the flag being raised at the American Legion in a jerky fashion, but more like the light red Creme Soda in the straw of a teenage girl or boy on the back porch of his mobile home late in the evening.

08-14-2008, 04:59 PM	#2
Mentch Banned Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Everything's bigger in Texas ;) Age: 37 Posts: 159	Re: Funny Terrible Bad Opening Paragraphs of Novels Titles of the novels. IMO: Not the best first post.

08-14-2008, 05:42 PM	#3
IAAW FFR Player Join Date: May 2005 Location: Nowhere specific. Age: 35 Posts: 3,008	Re: Funny Terrible Bad Opening Paragraphs of Novels Agh! This literature is making my brain hurt. =\

08-14-2008, 08:20 PM	#5
moches FFR Player Join Date: Aug 2005 Age: 30 Posts: 3,996	Re: Funny Terrible Bad Opening Paragraphs of Novels as evidenced by my first post. i think it was "something about the length of the Megaman song in FFR and that nobody cared."

08-14-2008, 08:37 PM	#8
hoochan woah shrooms Join Date: Nov 2005 Posts: 3,838	Re: Funny Terrible Bad Opening Paragraphs of Novels hate to break it to you kid but da troof hertz

08-14-2008, 08:44 PM	#9
JKPolk tool Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: satan Age: 39 Posts: 3,737	Re: Funny Terrible Bad Opening Paragraphs of Novels Call me Ishmael. __________________

08-14-2008, 08:45 PM	#10
hoochan woah shrooms Join Date: Nov 2005 Posts: 3,838	Re: Funny Terrible Bad Opening Paragraphs of Novels polk, please tell me that that is not from moby dick because i have to read that book this year for english and i heard it was awful

08-14-2008, 08:53 PM	#13
hoochan woah shrooms Join Date: Nov 2005 Posts: 3,838	Re: Funny Terrible Bad Opening Paragraphs of Novels ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha oh my God kid you are a gold mine and you dont even know it

08-14-2008, 09:02 PM	#16
hoochan woah shrooms Join Date: Nov 2005 Posts: 3,838	Re: Funny Terrible Bad Opening Paragraphs of Novels it seems as though you have figured me out man i guess you win lol u're a ****ing idiot

08-14-2008, 09:26 PM	#18
hoochan woah shrooms Join Date: Nov 2005 Posts: 3,838	Re: Funny Terrible Bad Opening Paragraphs of Novels the world hates me and everyone that is taking mr partidge's honors english 11

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