Depression experience

[Cavernio]

"the problem itself was totally of fabrication (fear of the problem = surfacing the problem, in my case, and has been that way for a lot of things)."

Yes. My lack of performing daily actions definitely feels like this. However there seems to be nothing to do for it. I just avoid and avoid because facing the act of not doing the thing brings me to writhing and gnashing of teeth and tears and thoughts of self-harm.

I am trying giving in these days. I do not try much anymore, I will either do it or I won't.

I have never had enough self-awareness to properly explain my mental states, but I can relate to everything that has been said personally in this thread to some degree or another.

Abilify calmed down my racing thoughts. Was also the worst withdrawal I have ever gone through.

The past couple years I have over-reacted emotionally to everything. Which is something someone can not really do since a reaction just is, its neither good nor bad, so one cannot 'over-do' it. But that's how I've begun to be. I think part of me wanted that because stable is boring. I felt like I was missing out on so many emotions in life I actually went to therapy with one of the major goals of being able to feel more emotions.

There are many faces of depression. I have experienced many.

My memory is so poor, the weed is not helping that aspect of my life sadly, so that any realizations that being high gives me, and they happen regularly, I end up forgetting most of them. I know that one of them is that in order to stop my brain from constantly going someplace negative the best way will be for me to be doing an activity that draws my focus away from myself.

It feels like life is just full of pain and I have to accept that as reality. There is no hiding from it or fixing it, it just is. I have come to what shouldn't be all that surprising of a relevation to me, is that my levels of emotional pain are simply too high for wanting to try to exist. Even when I'm not suicidal, I generally don't actively *want* to live. I am slowly learning how to put coping mechanisms into place. If I kill myself in the meantime, I think that's ok too though.