So it's been about 14 years since I've first come here. A lot of the good friends I've made through rhythm games have mostly been from FFR, so I owe a lot to this place. I'm getting old now, and few of those who shaped this place when I was around are still here. I've been pretty MIA the past few years from online communities in general, partly due to university, and also due to self isolation.
For many who have met me IRL, especially at Anime North, you probably noticed I was a bit of an alcoholic. It wasn't really something I noticed nor thought about in my early 20s, but I was young and dumb and having lots of fun meeting a bunch of people I knew online. I was always mega excited for the next cons/meetups but I had not yet realized it was serving me as a sort of escapism. I would feel post-con depression a bit harder than everyone else, because a weekend of great times once a year made coming back to a depressing reality that much harder.
I didn't know it back then, but I was depressed, had been suffering from severe anxiety for years (from my teens, never did anything about it), and was slowly going down the path of alcoholism, which runs in my family. Some people are just now making me realize how dangerous my behavior was, and it sort of disappoints me that I never even stopped to consider it being a possibility. It was only in my mid 20s that it became a serious problem. I started lying to my local friends, engaged in self-destructive behavior, hooked up with one of my best friend's girlfriend and basically forced her to let me move in, among other things. I completely destroyed any sort of relationship I had with my friends back home. I was becoming a different person, and I was too ignorant to notice or accept it.
It came to a head at Magfest 2015 where my behavior was scaring my own girlfriend, whom I had brought with me to room with 16 complete strangers in a country she had never been to, to the point where she would have to frequently isolate herself to cry out of sheer stress. Alcohol was destroying everything I had, and it took me a while to truly accept it. A year later, we both decided to go back to school. This is where most of my self-realization happened.
At this point, I had basically immersed myself in my studies and barely did anything related to my hobbies, nor did I speak very often to all the friends I had made over the years.
It would take another two years of her tireless efforts to make me cut alcohol (bless her soul, she has a massive difficulty being confrontational when I'm really stubborn). Even in small amounts, my addictive personality made it difficult to moderate myself, and my personality was still changing for the worse. In the summer of 2018, I finally started to seek professional help, and was diagnosed with long term anxiety disorder.
It's been 10 months since I've been on antidepressants, and it's been a huge change. Though one thing I've realized is that I've become less social, more bitter, and more flat emotionally. Overall, I no longer have anxiety, my mood has significantly improved, and I don't drink any alcohol whatsoever (and barely any caffeine for that matter). Though it feels as if I've cut ties with a lot of my friends, and for that I sincerely apologize. I also apologize if my destructive behavior has affected anyone on here in the past 10 years. I can think of a few people with whom I've been a complete dick for no reason other than my own self frustration and depression.
I'm trying to get back into things slowly, but it's been different. I still love rhythm games and I don't see that changing. I might not be able to contribute as much to FFR as I used to, but I can still be grandpa stepmania sometimes. I've been picking up some of my hobbies again, making chiptune, and trying to reconnect with people I've fallen out with.
Thanks for reading. Solo rulz.
For many who have met me IRL, especially at Anime North, you probably noticed I was a bit of an alcoholic. It wasn't really something I noticed nor thought about in my early 20s, but I was young and dumb and having lots of fun meeting a bunch of people I knew online. I was always mega excited for the next cons/meetups but I had not yet realized it was serving me as a sort of escapism. I would feel post-con depression a bit harder than everyone else, because a weekend of great times once a year made coming back to a depressing reality that much harder.
I didn't know it back then, but I was depressed, had been suffering from severe anxiety for years (from my teens, never did anything about it), and was slowly going down the path of alcoholism, which runs in my family. Some people are just now making me realize how dangerous my behavior was, and it sort of disappoints me that I never even stopped to consider it being a possibility. It was only in my mid 20s that it became a serious problem. I started lying to my local friends, engaged in self-destructive behavior, hooked up with one of my best friend's girlfriend and basically forced her to let me move in, among other things. I completely destroyed any sort of relationship I had with my friends back home. I was becoming a different person, and I was too ignorant to notice or accept it.
It came to a head at Magfest 2015 where my behavior was scaring my own girlfriend, whom I had brought with me to room with 16 complete strangers in a country she had never been to, to the point where she would have to frequently isolate herself to cry out of sheer stress. Alcohol was destroying everything I had, and it took me a while to truly accept it. A year later, we both decided to go back to school. This is where most of my self-realization happened.
At this point, I had basically immersed myself in my studies and barely did anything related to my hobbies, nor did I speak very often to all the friends I had made over the years.
It would take another two years of her tireless efforts to make me cut alcohol (bless her soul, she has a massive difficulty being confrontational when I'm really stubborn). Even in small amounts, my addictive personality made it difficult to moderate myself, and my personality was still changing for the worse. In the summer of 2018, I finally started to seek professional help, and was diagnosed with long term anxiety disorder.
It's been 10 months since I've been on antidepressants, and it's been a huge change. Though one thing I've realized is that I've become less social, more bitter, and more flat emotionally. Overall, I no longer have anxiety, my mood has significantly improved, and I don't drink any alcohol whatsoever (and barely any caffeine for that matter). Though it feels as if I've cut ties with a lot of my friends, and for that I sincerely apologize. I also apologize if my destructive behavior has affected anyone on here in the past 10 years. I can think of a few people with whom I've been a complete dick for no reason other than my own self frustration and depression.
I'm trying to get back into things slowly, but it's been different. I still love rhythm games and I don't see that changing. I might not be able to contribute as much to FFR as I used to, but I can still be grandpa stepmania sometimes. I've been picking up some of my hobbies again, making chiptune, and trying to reconnect with people I've fallen out with.
Thanks for reading. Solo rulz.
)
- Tosh 2014
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