Personal Thoughts
Posted on: September 28, 2008, at 10:51:49pm

What makes us who we are? What we do? How we feel? How we interact with other people? In todays world, words mean little to nothing, it is actions that show true worth. Yet to achieve the great things in life you at least need to focus on the positives, for if you stay in the negative, it makes the jump so much farther. Its funny really, to watch people complain about all the terror, pain, suffering, and death in the world, when there is so much more thats happening. Is it natural for humans to be so negative? How the hell did we get anywhere? I'm not saying to delude yourself with impossibilities and hopeless happiness. Don't view the world from a positive view, nor from a negative view. View it from a realistic stance, one that doesn't see the glass half empty nor half full. Just a glass containing some sort of liquid. Yet its when tragedy strikes that we often lose sight of this and turn our backs to the world. We find solice and comfort within ourselves, and feel safer to not let anyone in, and in most cases I would agree. For me strength is a big thing, and its something that people don't realize about me, they just think i'm weird.

For example, I wear a coat year round, a heavy coat, regardless of triple digit weather or not. I tell people that its comfortable and I even have an explanation for it. But truth is that, for me, its almost like a right of passage or a sign of strength. I don't take it off, no matter how hot it gets, I suffer through it, and for that I consider myself stronger than most for tolerance. No matter how bad things get emotionally, I make it a point never to let anyone see me cry, even involving the death of a family member...

My family, lately, has started to worry about me, my parents have even considered sending me to a shrink. I honestly don't believe I need one. I know for a fact I'm not crazy, and I know this because I know every exact reason why someone would think I'm crazy. However, in the past years, I can't help but feel some sort of emotional change. I seem to no longer care for my life anymore. I neither care whether I live or die. Don't think I would commit suicide, the pain would have to be far greater than this before I would even consider that option. I'm merely saying that death comes when death comes, and I'll embrace it when my time is up. Yet if I can manage to give my life at least to save anothers, I wouldn't hesitate. I'm no longer afraid of death. However that thought alone troubles me. At the age of 16 I feel I've already lived a full life and have already expericed that which i intend to, which does not include anything remotely connected with any sort of relationship with anybody.

I am a loner, I work better by myself, and I intend to keep it that way. Though as arrogant as it may sound, I don't need anybody, because I don't want to need anybody. Should an opportunity float my way I'll take it, hell I'll even make my own opportunities. But as far as being helped by other people, I would pretty much like to avoid.