A story i am writing read and commment
Posted on: July 20, 2008, at 07:24:32pm

“Why am I different? Why can’t I do anything right? Why did I …have to be this monster?”

“My name is Winter; what’s yours?” a girl asked smiling at me.

“My name is …Jack.” I answered, looking at the smiling Winter.

“That’s a really cute name,” she said smiling, “Maybe I’ll have a class with you. Then I can get to know you.”

“Maybe,” I got up holding my backpack and slugged it over my shoulder, “I better get going. Later”

My name is Jack Willow. I am a 16 year old vampire with a mother by the name of Tina and a father with the name of Adam. I’ve moved from the calm, happy Japan, to the lets-get-drunk-and-have-a-war country. I live in Sin City or, most people know it as Las Vegas.

Vampires are really quiet and have small populations. All of us vampires are sexy in our own ways. My mom, for her fighting movies. My father, for having a loving addititude that makes girl melts. Me I am smart and have a non-caring addititude that girls call sexy.

At my school I am considered “Emo” or “gothic”. Emo is basically someone who hates their life, cuts themselves sometimes, and is always depressed. No, I am not Emo; I don’t cut or hate my life. I am a Goth though. Which are the people who hate a lot of people and are really dark.

I go to Lawliet Mester High school. It’s a pretty high ranked school, but it is kind of strict. All the teachers are really funny. They are supposed to be mean but they are a bunch of girls in my mind. The only teacher that is actually scary is my English teacher.

“Jack Willow! Why are you late again?” Mrs. Dawn, my Math teacher, asked eyeballing my look as if it were a cat and a dog killing each other.

“I was too caught up reading my book.” My teachers don’t like me much. Mainly because I am late almost everyday but also I am dark and I don’t talk a lot like the other students in my class.

I walked to my seat and put my bag on the side of my desk and watched my teacher write on her white board.

“Now who can tell me what the answer to the question is?”

1. 1: carlin
   Posted at 8:46pm on July 20th, 2008

   Sounds good so far. It could get interesting. Can't wait for the next part. One thing you could do is describe what people look like.
2. 2: shadowrougesonic
   Posted at 11:01pm on July 20th, 2008

   i will do that ^^ anyway i will put the second page up write now
3. 3: priestman1
   Posted at 10:11am on July 21st, 2008

   i like it better than any other books ive read so fare i hope you make the whole book and i can buy it from you
4. 4: shadowrougesonic
   Posted at 10:13am on July 21st, 2008

   lol thank you i want to spend as much time on it as possible.........if you want to buy it that will cost you 10 bucks! cheap uh lol
5. 5: famousfever
   Posted at 5:54pm on July 21st, 2008

   u make them ill buy them
6. 6: shadowrougesonic
   Posted at 5:56pm on July 21st, 2008

   lol ok i will do that
7. 7: punisher1000
   Posted at 4:13pm on July 30th, 2008

   i love the story swettie
8. 8: shadowrougesonic
   Posted at 4:16pm on July 30th, 2008

   thank you ^^
9. 9: Harp of Altara
   Posted at 1:13am on September 26th, 2008

   Wow, a nice, long multi-chaptered work (with pages, no less!), and I never noticed until now?
   For an exposition, it wasn't bad - you managed to introduce the characters, setting, and potential conflict within a short span.
   However, I felt the middle suffered slightly from that common writing ailment of "telling instead of showing." Instead of noting that vampires "are really quiet and have small populations," or that they are perceived as "sexy," (which seems odd to me anyway), show the reader that through the actions and dialogues of characters (even minor, inconsequential ones). It goes a long way towards keeping your story fluid and interesting!