It's Gil-Scott Heron! how awesome is that that this Jamie xx guy remixed his shit. sooo... good. ahahaha

I haven't said anything on here, and I've been reflecting a lot lately, so I definitely think I should get my thoughts down correctly.

The other day, I was thinking about the 20th century analytic tradition... while I do classify myself as a traditional analytic scholar, I'm finding the system in which I have been emersed in to be incredibly blank and not fulfilling enough to what I have been currently studying. That being said, while I do enjoy reading continental texts, I find myself at a peculiar crossroads between what discipline I want to focus on. To bring to full circle, I basically need to write down my thoughts about potential outcomes I might have in the future, because presently... I've been way too doubtful about my intentions and what I want out of them.

I've been working hard since my breaking point. Megan, I really thank you for that. You helped me put things into perspective, without really saying much, and I am entirely indebted to you... honestly. I've honestly been reflecting on what I have and how much better I feel about everything.
I'm happy.
And this the best feeling I have felt in... a long time.
I've been putting the puzzle back together, and only a few confusing one's remain.
I'm not saying I've figured out life (far from that.. (considering I'm in philosophy)... it's just that, after giving careful thought to the wishes and desires that I'm trying to advocate have more or less just fallen onto my lap.
I've given everything that has been going on a great deal of thought, and I'm trying to cut out everything that doesn't satisfy me. I'm working on what I need to work on.

The Future:

I have basically three possible routes to which I might want to pursue a career... those being:
1. Philosophy and Public Administration at LSE
2. Epistemology and Metaphysics at UBC
3. Law at either Dalhousie or Harvard

All are tough spots, but Im pretty determined to make something of myself, and to do something that I love. That being said, I still need my degree. I need to post this more for myself so that I have a visual to understand what I really need to do.

Honours Requirements for Philosophy:
3.0 courses: Philosophy 2205W/X , 2206W/X, 2500F/G, 2700F/G
0.5 course: Philosophy 2254A/B
1.0 additional course in Philosophy at the 2200 level or above.
4.5 additional courses in Philosophy at the 3000 level or above
What I have complete:
2206W/X, 2500, 2700, 2254, my 2200 credit, and 1.5 3000 or above courses.
What I have remaining:
2205 (1 course) and 3 3000 level courses,

as far as my major in politics is concerned:
2.0 courses: Political Science 2230E, 2231E.
1.0 course from: Political Science 2244E or 2245E.
2.0 courses in Political Science at the 2200 level or above.
1.0 course in Political Science at the 3000 level or above.
What I have complete:
2231 and 1 3000 or above course
so that means I need another 4 courses.
Basically, if I stay a 5th year, I can get my honours in philosophy and a major in political science.

Plan for next years courses:

4 philosophy (4 half courses)
1. Religion without Religion: HEIDEGGER, BATAILLE AND DERRIDA
2. Contemporary French Thought
3. Seminar on Kant
4. Phenomenology

2 Political Science (2 full courses)
1. Canadian Government
2. American Politics or Advance International Relations

So, these choices will take care of 2 of the 3000 level courses, and 2 required political science courses.
What will I be left with after? 1 more courses 3000 or above and ancient/medieval philosophy. In terms of politics, just 2 2200 courses or above. So, that means my 5th year will be another 4 courses! I HAVE THIS IN THE BAG I THINK!

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it would really be appreciated if I had some comments on this piece, as this is probably one of the more emotional ones.

Im sitting here crying.

Why? I have no fucking idea.
I'm sad as fuck.
It really took this weekend for me to realize how unstable everything is... instability is something that is really hard for me to get used to.

But a friend of mine has told me to make a list of things that I'm good at and things I need to improve on.

So, here we go... honesty.

Improve on:
- I need to admit defeat
- I need to stop lying
- I need to be more honest with myself
- I need to be a better friend
- I need to stop feeling sorry for myself
- The world DOESNT revolve around me
- I dont need to always look for a fight
- I need to stop smoking so much weed
- I need to stop hating life
- I really need to accept things for the way they are, and not get so caught up in how I want them to be
- It's not always necessary to voice my opinion
- I need to deal with problems instead of immersing myself with other things
- I need to listen to people's intentions
- I need to be more independant
- Stop being arrogant
- stop being smug
- I need to say 'no' sometimes
- I should stop caring what other people think of me
- I need to think before I do, and not just do.

I'm nothing that I want to be, and I'm especially dissappointed in myself that I cannot be that person. I've spun this image of myself with my circles of friends that I'm one of the nicest people in the world. I think there needs to be a correction, I'm a good person, not a nice one. I know we all make mistakes, but I really try my best to do the right thing. I know I fuck up a lot... and I'm willing to admit that.
I cant really find the words today, I was really upset last night, so I'm pretty drained in regards with my thinking ability.

Things I do well:
- I know how to talk to people
- I'm somewhat confident
- I know how to argue, and to bullshit
- I'm passionate about what I like