130 Sarcastic Remarks.
Posted on: November 28, 2009, at 06:19:58pm

So I found my grade 10 agenda today which was buried in some papers, and it had the 130 sarcastic remarks I wrote over the course of that year. Some are funnier than others.

If you want, post which #s made you laugh or you found funny.

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NOTES - (Don't read if easily offended / no sense of humour)

Actually, my notes are somewhere in my binders, but I don't really bother using them because they are all filled with normal Terry stuff.

1) 24 hours in a day, 24beers in a crate. Coincidence? Nah.
2) Don't drink and drive, you may spill the drink!
3) ALC_H_L -> Sometimes alcohol IS the answer.
4) They say alcohol is not the answer, but it makes you forget the question.
5) Here in Canada, we have our own way of dealing with the homeless. We call it Winter.
6) Don't steal - The government hates competition.
7) Easy way to tell when dinner's ready - the smoke alarm goes off.
8) Caution - Water on road during rain.
9) Beware - Tetris Ahead.
10) Entrance only, do not enter.
11) Austria - There's no kangaroos.
12) The leprechauns made me do it!
13) Bite me.
14) If you're confronted with a man-eating dinosaur, stay still. They hate fast food.
15) People say 2 wrongs don't make a right, but math does (- - = +) Who do you believe?
16) G_ F_CK Y_ _RSELF - Care to buy a vowel?
17) If you see a fat person going backwards, yell 'beep beep'.
18) If you ever have to write a half page journal or more, just make one big sentence; commas are good.
19) If you see someone who's sad, cheer them up by telling them you can save 20 cents by switching to Geico.
20) To piss off your english teacher, PuT cApItAlS On EvErY sEcOnD lEtTeR.
21) Incase a lethal odour comes your way, ALWAYS carry a windex with you.
22) If someone is bugging you, stare menacingly at them 'till they shut the fuck up.
23) Why do people say Holy Shit? Shit is not holy.
24) Aim for the drain, it leaves no stain!
25) Always be nice to your kids, they choose your nursing home.
26) I'm never wrong. One time I thought I was wrong, but I was mistaken.
27) Did you know 8/3 people don't know how to use fractions?
28) It's people like you that's the reason we have middle fingers.
29) Scientists say 1 out of 4 friends are crazy. If 3 of your friends are ok, its you.
30) I have a balanced diet - I eat equal amounts of white and dark chocolate.
31) Never get directions from someone on a street - They probably got lost themselves.
32) Don't let schooling interfere with your education.
33) If you see someone failing religion, they're most likely unholy.
34) 43% of statistics have no point. 57% of them are pointless.
35) If someone asks you for a drink, offer them a nice big cup of shut the fuck up.
36) I had an english speaking parrot once. Sadly, it couldn't say i'm hungry, so it died.
37) I don't know what your problem is, but I bet it's hard to pronounce.
38) Why find a cure for cancer when you can cure the patient instead?
39) Intel inside, idiot outside.
40) I'm so smart I got -16 on my IQ test.
41) My fake plants died because I forgot to pretend to water them.
42) If you mix a bulldog and a shitzu, do you get bullshit?
43) If people from Poland are called Poles, how come people from Holland aren't called holes?
44) The most common place of death is the hospital or the living room.
45) How do you keep an idiot in suspense? Tell you later.
46) Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and the world laughs harder.
47) Once I saw a vegetarian wearing a fur coat.
48) If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.
49) I attempted to climb the ladder to success, but I fell and broke my leg.
50) End discrimination - hate everyone equally.
51) Be selfish once. If you get upset about something, blame someone else's life instead of yours.
52) Spealing tooters kneaded.
53) If-you-want-to-annoy-someone-while-typing-something-claim-your-spacebar-is-broken.
54) When pulled over by a police officer, claim 'Ociffer, there's no blood in my alcohol system.'
55) Anyone can pass art. Make a small dot on your paper and claim it's modern / abstract art and you'll make millions.
56) You never hear the winning side say "It's just a game."
57) Our parents taught us to walk and talk, now all they want us to do is sit down and shut up.
58) They tried to send a man in a Santa Suit to rehab, but he said "Ho Ho Ho".
59) You killed him! Well, what part of sudden death don't you understand?
60) On a grammar test, claim "Me good speak english".
61) For an english essay, write completely in french, or any other language.
62) Friends are people, who know you, yet still put up wtih you.
63) In today's society, if you see an asian woman, she's classified as hot. If you see an asian male, he's classified as tax accountant.
64) Fill in the blanks. This is number _____. Answer: ████
65) Define: Antidistablishmentarianism - How can I define this if I am not allowed to use a dictionary on tests?
66) Do what you want cause a pirate is free, you are a pirate!
67) There's always a light at the end of the tunnel - just pray it's not a train.
68) I didn't lose my mind, I sold it on eBay.
69) I should write something perveted here. LOL69
70) (obvious comment here) reply - No Shit Sherlock.
71) This just in - No one gives a fuck.
72) Even if you do manage to win the special olympics, you're still retarded.
73) Why be difficulty when, with some effort, you can be impossible?
74) Collect 3 Magic Stones, Upgrade Sword, Rescue Several People, Kill Ganon. What Zelda game is this?
75) Damn straight i'm good in bed - I can sleep for hours?
76) Hate: A special type of love given to those who suck.
77) "Excuse me, can I ask you a question?" Not like you gave me a choice mate.
78) If you are unable to fix brakes, just make the horn louder.
79) 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
80) Life is one really long trip - but some people have better directions.
81) They say hard work never hurts anybody, but why take the chance?
82) Hard work pays off later, but laziness pays off now!
83) I have a seafood diet - If I see food, i'll eat it.
84) I sat back, looking at the stars and began to think "Where the hell is my roof?"
85) I never forget a face, but in your case, i'll be glad to make an exception.
86) Why do noses run and feet smell?
87) What happens if you're scared half to death twice?
88) If you see someone waiting for a new game/movie to come out, chances are it's already out in Japan.
89) If you die in an elevator, always make sure you were going up.
90) I thought pigs lived in farms; what are you doing here?
91) I used to have an open mind, but my brains kept falling out.
92) Out of my mind. Back in 5 minutes.
93) I'm dain bramaged.
94) You may be young only once, but you can be immature forever.
95) If you're right, no one remembers. If you're wrong, no one forgets.
96) Yesterday's histrory, tomorrow's a mystery, today's a gift, and that's why it's called the present.
97) They say life is like a box of chocolate; you never know what you get, but I disagree; I plan ahead.
98) Why raise the roof when you can bring down the house?
99) 99 Red Balloons; Floating in the summer sky, panic bells, it's red alert, there's something-hi.
100) I run with scissors - it makes me feel dangerous.
101) I'm not stupid, I get F's for fantastic.
102) The police never think it's as funny as you do. :/
103) If you think you're alone and no one notices you, try not paying your bills.
104) Without me, you wouldn't be awesome, you would be aweso.
105) In my opinion, strangers have the best candy.
106) It's annoying when people say 'the last place where you look'. yeah i'll keep looking after I found it.
107) It probably only takes 1 drink to get drunk. The problem is, I can't remember if it's the 13th or 14th drink.
108) I love your smile and your eyes... Damn i'm good at telling lies.
109) When I helped the poor, they called me a saint. When I asked why they were poor, they called me a communist.
110) Beware the deadly donkey, falling slowly from the sky, you can choose the way you live my friend, but not the way you die.
111) It is better to let people think you are an idiot, then to open your mouth and prove it.
112) Teamwork = lots of people doing what I say.
113) There is no 'I' in team, but there is an 'm' and 'e'.
114) I'm, not bossy, I just know what's best for everyone.
115) If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth, or moose meese?
116) How come a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
117) January 1st - Designated Hangover Day.
118) If you think you're making yourself look bad, try hiring dyslexic employees and compare yourself to them.
119) I'm not addicted to beer; beer is addicted to me.
120) If someone asks "Did you see that?" "No I paid a tennor to stare at the fucking floor dipshit"
121) For best bargains, pay entirely in pennies. They'll lose count after about 200.
122) If the power goes out, watch TV by candlelight.
123) Everything always sounds more impressive in latin. For example, to say 17, Septum Decimus.
124) I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
125) Creepy people creep me out, tired people tire me out, funny people make me laugh, I wasn't talking about you so don't be daft.
126) Upon being pulled over by an officer for drunk driving, claim "I swear to drunk i'm not God!"
127) What has 8 balls and screws old ladies? The lottery.
128) If you think you did something pointless, walk up to a tree and say "haha you're a tree" to it.
129) Don't hit a man with glasses, hit him with a baseball bat.
130) Believe in the devil, cause i'm damn real.

1. 1: Karee456
   Posted at 7:08pm on November 28th, 2009

   74.. Pretty much every zelda game.
   Made me laugh
2. 2: Lime-a-Beeen
   Posted at 8:09pm on November 28th, 2009

   128 was deff my favorite
   LOLZ XD
3. 3: V.!.P.gUrL CryYstal
   Posted at 3:22am on November 29th, 2009

   69, 19, & 128 were funny! :D
   
4. 4: dxxxbomb
   Posted at 7:10am on November 29th, 2009

   20) To piss off your english teacher, PuT cApItAlS On EvErY sEcOnD lEtTeR.
   i actually do it to him all the time
5. 5: Adamaja456
   Posted at 10:15am on November 29th, 2009

   18 lol because i did that...in college
   50 is amazingggg
   69 lulz
   94 because i will always be immature >:]
   130 lulz
   <333
6. 6: Starlight562
   Posted at 12:32pm on November 29th, 2009

   Wow.
   Kept me from doing something productive once again, Terry.
   And I wasn't even talking to you.
   But I liked 94 and 113. xD
7. 7: LauraJ
   Posted at 7:21pm on November 30th, 2009

   84 is probably my favorite xD
   also 102 and 105 are facts
8. 8: Devour
   Posted at 1:26am on December 18th, 2009

   I read all these but I dont wanna go back and remember which ones were my favs. I had a good amount tho, probably 5-10. Very nice xD
9. 9: crazykitty66
   Posted at 10:02am on October 22nd, 2010

   16
10. 10: spreadNv
    Posted at 6:39pm on October 31st, 2010

    dude these are great. im still reading more lol
11. 11: MetalMadness987
    Posted at 3:26pm on January 3rd, 2011

    *posts up on facebook* Don't worry, the credit is still all yours.
12. 12: 0
    Posted at 1:36pm on March 24th, 2011

    beeres
13. 13: Bluearrowll
    Posted at 2:14pm on March 24th, 2011

    beeres no more!
14. 14: m3t4kn1ght
    Posted at 9:24am on April 20th, 2011

    12 - 13 ftw 129 pure genius using it in my msn lol
    
15. 15: evanescence_death4ever
    Posted at 3:08pm on May 6th, 2011

    96) Yesterday's histrory, tomorrow's a mystery, today's a gift, and that's why it's called the present.
    I like this one XDD
16. 16: Roflbabymakerr
    Posted at 8:22pm on May 21st, 2011

    78) If you are unable to fix brakes, just make the horn louder.
    ^.^