9th Official Tournament: Final Round -- FlashFlashRevolution.com

9th Official Tournament: Final Round

Posted in Flash Flash Revolution on December 13th, 2013

Hungry fire consumed the halls around the Battledome, the corpses of slain warriors vanishing in a ball of crimson; those who had survived to the end hobbled, crawled, and limped into the center of the dome. There were seven towers, each with a series of steps spiraling around a circular core and a doomsday button at the top–and around each tower, three swords were buried into the ground. They would either have to kill each other on the ground or scamper to the top before anybody could reach them.

DIVISION 1 – I Can’t Wait – Celldweller

Ippikiryu, CarrotCake94 and Xonica eyed each other as they stepped towards the tower. With the gravity befitting a deed yet to be done, they rested their hands on each blade and thrust it out. The earth beneath them began to quiver.

“What’s going o–” CarrotCake94 didn’t get to finish. The sand beneath them cracked and disintegrated, revealing a gap ten feet wide on every side; they were only inches from a precarious fall. What was done here would be definitive.

“WELL, YOU’VE ALL MADE IT THIS FAR, AND I WOULD CONGRATULATE YOU,” tittered the mysterious loudspeaker voice, “BUT I THINK ONLY ONE OF YOU WILL GET TO HEAR IT. OH! HOW ABOUT SOME TUNES? THIS ONE’S FROM MY TWO-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER’S FAVORITE BAND. SHOULD GET THE BLOOD PUMPING…”

The song wasn’t the fastest they had seen in the tournament, but it was certainly no slouch at 188BPM–and the number of 16ths, jumps and jacks would make this one a toughie to get through. Xonica groaned as the guitar started and almost lost grip of his blade. Such wangst. So teenager.

Ippikiryu had spent his life getting through every situation with his mad kawaii power, but by this point all hint of anything fuzzy and adorable in his personality had been weathered away. He grabbed his blade and faced the two people standing between him and Touhou, osu, tanks, LoL, conventions, and singing.

DIVISION 2 – A Crimson Rose and a Gin Tonic (YMCK 8bit Mix) – YMCK

“I wish we didn’t have to do this,” linebro sighed as he approached the foot of the tower marked District Two. RARAWR almost made a sound but found himself too emotionally conflicted to express his feelings.

The floor was wet, unusually so. The moment all three players pulled out their swords, chiptune began to play.

“WELL, I SAW HOW YOU’VE BEEN DOING. THAT LITTLE STUNT AT THE BAR WAS MY TREAT, YOU KNOW. A LITTLE ALCOHOL NEVER HURTS, EH?” boomed the loudspeaker. “THIS ENTIRE FLOOR IS SOAKED IN GIN AND TONIC. YOU’RE ALREADY DRUNK AND YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW IT.”

“Oh, aweso–,” Toxophilis caught herself. “I mean, oh noooo.”

This song was weird–or maybe it was just the alcohol. Arrows that were supposed to be pink and purple were…green. And then brown. And they kept changing in the middle of the song for no reason. It was pleasant enough, but Clocktown had been pleasant too. They had to keep their guards up to the very end.

DIVISION 3 – Grad Erlija – Grand Thaw

“Toccy, what the hell?” Emanresu13 caught up to his former ally, panting.

“RAWR!” Mokisaurus was angry.

Toccy shrugged. “Hey, it’s every man for himself.”

“HE’S RIGHT, YOU KNOW.”

Great, just when things couldn’t get any worse…

“THAT’S BEEN SOMETHING OF A RECURRING THEME, HASN’T IT? ALL OF YOU WERE SO LOCKED INTO THINKING OF THIS AS A TEAM BATTLE THAT YOU NEVER SAW WHAT THE TOURNAMENT WAS REALLY ABOUT. ALL YOU CAN DO IS HOLD ONTO YOUR LIFE, FRIENDSHIP AND LOYALTY BE DAMNED.”

“NOW,” the loudspeaker demanded, “DANCE FOR ME, MY PUPPETS.”

Accordions and pianos kicked in, and drums began to swell in the background. Toccy already had his sword out, staring the other two down with his eyes (and fingers) as he dangled the blade. If this was the last day of their lives, at least the soundtrack was apt.

DIVISION 4 – Shitsubou Choco – LeaF

EVeryBOADY WAS STiLl tRIPENG BLLLZZZZ.

“HAHAHAHA, SSPEED IS DEAD!” LAUGHED DISSONANTMUSE!! HE STUMBLED TO TOWER AND PULL OUT SWORD.

“hey, stop that! now i have to speak in lowercases to distinguish myself!” complained the loudspeaker? “you guys! seriously! stop!”

“OH HO HO HO!” MUTTERED KEKEB, “LOOKIE HERE @ THIS HERE SWORD! DEVILCHILLY TAKE PICTURE OF ME, PLEAZ!”

“LOL NO!” DEVILCHILLY REPLIED AND SLASHED HIS FRIEND IN THE ARM. BLOOD SPURTED OUT.

“okay, guys…i’m really scared now. this is weird. i’m not even in danger here. why is this so horrifying? should i turn this song off? it’s even faster and more hyper than the last round’s song. wait, iTunes is frozen again. crap.”

“DOESN’T MY NAME SOUNDS LIKE KABOBS, GUYS?!” KEKEB GIGGLED. “DOESN’T IT SOUND LIKE KABOBS?!”

DIVISION 5 – Future Invasion, YMCK

Josemba was already halfway up the tower. omega_grunt666 and klimtkiller could only look on.

“WHAT’S THE MATTER, GUYS? OR SHOULD I SAY G8YS, YOU LITTLE GIRLS? WELL, I SHOULDN’T, REALLY, BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE HOMOPHOBIC, MISOGYNISTIC AND REALLY GROSS. AND SHAME ON WHOMEVER IS WRITING THIS TOURNEY POST, EVEN IF HE’S USING ME TO MAKE A POINT.”

omega_grunt666 just peered up and dropped his sword. “It’s futile,” he sighed. “He’ll get to the top, press the button and the aliens in that spaceship hovering above us will come and take us away for good. I say let him have it. At least second place isn’t too bad.”

“Still,” klimtkiller interjected, “wouldn’t it be nice to at least end on one more kill?”

“Well, that’s more your thing, isn’t it?”

“Touche.”

“GUYS, THIS IS SO ANTICLIMACTIC! THINK POSITIVE THOUGHTS,” insisted the voice on the loudspeaker. “REMEMBER HOW YOU DIDN’T THINK YOU WOULD SURVIVE THAT SUBMATIK SUBMARINE ATTACK IN THE FIRST WEEK?”

“You set that up, didn’t you?” asked omega_grunt666.

“THAT’S NOT REALLY THE POINT. THE POINT IS THAT FOR WHATEVER REASON YOU TWO ARE THE LAST THING STANDING IN THAT GUY’S WAY, AND IT WOULD SUCK TO HAVE MADE IT THIS FAR AND NOT AIM A LITTLE HIGHER. SO GO PRACTICE.”

DIVISION 6 – Herbie Goes Ballistic – Venetian Snares

It was RagedBerserker’s turn to break down. NekoGon wasn’t moving: his pulse was down to 0. Meanwhile, SaFyre13 was brooding on the horizon; he hadn’t picked up a weapon yet. With everybody around him dead, his mind was slowly coming back. Where was dAnceguy117? Why didn’t he hear ___________’s voice (oh, wait, he was mute, wasn’t he?) Who had taken their lives?

Suddenly he remembered everything–and though a wave of horror rushed over him, he fought it and stood up. He stepped tentatively towards his two remaining friends. “We need to get out of here, Gon. Wake up.”

“GUYS! FOR PETE’S SAKE, YOU NINCOMPOOPS,” roared the loudspeaker. “DID YOU LITERALLY FORGET THE POINT OF THIS TOURNAMENT? I MEAN, THE PART WHERE YOU ALL KILL EACH OTHER? I’M SICK OF THIS. BRING IN HERBIE!”

Lindsay Lohan came in wielding the remains of a glass bong–it had been fashioned into yet another sword. She thumped it into the ground; the shock waves threw everybody back. NekoGon almost rolled off the edge of the platform, now a good fifty feet above the ground below, but SaFyre grabbed his hand in the nick of time.

He turned. “No, Herbie, don’t do it!”

The beats kicked in. It was too late.

DIVISION 7 – Heterochromia Iridis – FOLiACETATE

Anthony continued to find his desire for bloodlust frustrated with each passing district: L.B.D.D already stood at the top of the tower for District Seven, looking down at smartdude1212 and DossarLX_ODI. It was fine: he had no intentions of pushing the button anytime soon. All three members held swords against their necks; they would all pull a joint Katniss Everdeen if they had to.

The loudspeaker crackled before a new announcement was made:

“FROM NOW ON, THERE CAN BE TWO VICTORS CROWNED IF ONE OF THEM IS ALREADY IN THE GREEN. THIS IS BECAUSE ALL OF YOU ARE HYPERCOMPETENT NINNIES AND I’M SICK OF YOU GUYS UNDERMINING ME WITH YOUR MAD TALENT. ANTHONY OUT, HOMIES.”

Even with his IQ of 1212, smartdude1212 was confused. “Hey, Dossar, what’s green supposed to–”

“IF YOU DIDN’T SCREW UP AGAIN AND AGAIN FOR ONCE MAYBE YOU WOULD FIND OUT!” roared the loudspeaker. “NOW GO WIN BEFORE I MAKE IT RAIN FOLIACETATE ON ALL YOUR PATHETIC BUTTS!”

It was hard to refuse an offer like that. But smartdude and DossarLX_ODI couldn’t bring themselves to look one another in the eyes. Could both of them make it to the end, or was this curtains for one of them? Or both?

They eyed the staircase around the tower: it was steep, forcing them to step roughly 17 times a second, with jumps everywhere; it was rickety, having been built at 223 beats per minute with steps of every color wedged awkwardly in between. But it was only a two-minute climb up, and they had an entire week.

Steeling themselves, they took their next step.

moches

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