What do you think?

FallenXxRaven · 10-28-2007, 01:19 PM

Sometimes I randomly write poems, and my friends say they are really good, so I figured I'd see what you guys think of them. I'll edit in some more later if you guys like them. Anyway here goes. (Some have more than one verse, some dont, so I'll number them). Alright it seems they arent too bad so ill post a few more. (And sorry if the second line of #2 offends anyone.)

#1 Apocolyptic horsemen riding forth from Hell
Leaving naught but misery from their putrid trail
Galloping toward Micheal with weapons tight in hand
Towards the gates of heaven through the lake of sand
Archangels do battle with the darkened Faust
And as Satan rises up Micheal fears that all is lost
With none but Him left to defend Heaven's gate
The demon army rises up, led by Satan full of hate
Light and Dark clash, blood spilling 'round their feet
And with a crushing blow Heaven suffers full defeat

#2 The lady Bathory sings from her room
Tales of her servants with c*nts in full bloom
Locked in her tower day fades into night
The countess alone masturbates with a knife
The screams of her bloodlust echo o'er the hills
Exciting the victims of her many kills
The prayers being said for the sake of their souls
Were cut short as corpses rose up for their tolls

**ShastaTwist** · 10-28-2007, 02:16 PM

I think the rhythm is a bit sporadic.

FallenXxRaven · 10-28-2007, 04:11 PM

I know, I have that problem with a lot of my poems but I can never think of any other ways to say things, but other than the rythm it isnt too bad is it?

sente3 · 10-28-2007, 04:25 PM

The rhyme sceme is a couplets if I'm correct, serves for a very melodic reading IMO. I like it. Also, very good use of imagery in a small amount of lines. Good work.

**ShastaTwist** · 10-28-2007, 07:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by FallenXxRaven

I know, I have that problem with a lot of my poems but I can never think of any other ways to say things, but other than the rythm it isnt too bad is it?

No, it's very good. You have suitable diction.

FallenXxRaven · 12-20-2007, 07:35 PM

New poem, hope the bumps acceptable

In love with the night
a raven in flight
Her breath upon me
This Gothic romance
Caught me like a lance
Skewered hopes and shattered dreams
This fantasy ends, it seems

Hell has seen no love
As is mine to her
And Heaven hath no fury
As is mine fresh in murder

The Devil's kin
Fresh on my skin
As my lustful sin
With Coming I win

Now my soul broken by love lost
I take my place beside dark Faust
Overcome by grief and pain
I dive, alive, into the lake of flame

blackbuterfly451 · 12-22-2007, 03:37 PM

I think that both poems are really great; I especially like the first one.
I think some of the rhyming in the second poem doesn't really fit so much, but I also understand that if it didn't rhyme it would throw the fluidity of the poem off a bit.

My constructive criticism would be to rework the two lines that say "As my lustful sin/With coming I win"

and keep on writing

!

FallenXxRaven · 12-23-2007, 11:38 AM

No new poem yet but heres a new version of that entire verse, Butterfly

With lust in my eyes
I come in her thighs
And she begs to be freed
From fullfilled fantasies

With lust in my eyes
I come between her thighs
And she begs to be freed
From fullfilled fantasies

Better? I think "in her" actually works better

blackbuterfly451 · 12-23-2007, 04:31 PM

It sounds better, though maybe the word "between" would work better than "in her".

What do you think?

--- okay! 'twas just a suggestion. I think it's still a good poem, regardless of the words. Still means the same thing :]

**Adamaja456** · 12-23-2007, 04:35 PM

i like the first poem

**ShastaTwist** · 12-24-2007, 12:49 PM

"In her thighs" doesn't really make any sense.

10-28-2007, 04:11 PM	#3
FallenXxRaven FFR Player Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: In Panic4Me's closet. Posts: 380	Re: What do you think? I know, I have that problem with a lot of my poems but I can never think of any other ways to say things, but other than the rythm it isnt too bad is it? __________________ Chris Huntress 1:37 pm I aaa'd vROFL without any lube

10-28-2007, 04:25 PM	#4
sente3 a brew Join Date: Feb 2005 Age: 33 Posts: 703	Re: What do you think? The rhyme sceme is a couplets if I'm correct, serves for a very melodic reading IMO. I like it. Also, very good use of imagery in a small amount of lines. Good work. __________________

12-20-2007, 07:35 PM	#6
FallenXxRaven FFR Player Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: In Panic4Me's closet. Posts: 380	Re: What do you think? New poem, hope the bumps acceptable In love with the night a raven in flight Her breath upon me This Gothic romance Caught me like a lance Skewered hopes and shattered dreams This fantasy ends, it seems Hell has seen no love As is mine to her And Heaven hath no fury As is mine fresh in murder The Devil's kin Fresh on my skin As my lustful sin With Coming I win Now my soul broken by love lost I take my place beside dark Faust Overcome by grief and pain I dive, alive, into the lake of flame __________________ Chris Huntress 1:37 pm I aaa'd vROFL without any lube

12-22-2007, 03:37 PM	#7
blackbuterfly451 FFR Player Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: Vermont Posts: 107	Re: What do you think? I think that both poems are really great; I especially like the first one. I think some of the rhyming in the second poem doesn't really fit so much, but I also understand that if it didn't rhyme it would throw the fluidity of the poem off a bit. My constructive criticism would be to rework the two lines that say "As my lustful sin/With coming I win" and keep on writing !

12-23-2007, 11:38 AM	#8
FallenXxRaven FFR Player Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: In Panic4Me's closet. Posts: 380	Re: What do you think? No new poem yet but heres a new version of that entire verse, Butterfly With lust in my eyes I come in her thighs And she begs to be freed From fullfilled fantasies With lust in my eyes I come between her thighs And she begs to be freed From fullfilled fantasies Better? I think "in her" actually works better __________________ Chris Huntress 1:37 pm I aaa'd vROFL without any lube Last edited by FallenXxRaven; 12-23-2007 at 04:45 PM..

10-28-2007, 01:19 PM	#1
FallenXxRaven FFR Player Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: In Panic4Me's closet. Posts: 380	What do you think? Sometimes I randomly write poems, and my friends say they are really good, so I figured I'd see what you guys think of them. I'll edit in some more later if you guys like them. Anyway here goes. (Some have more than one verse, some dont, so I'll number them). Alright it seems they arent too bad so ill post a few more. (And sorry if the second line of #2 offends anyone.) #1 Apocolyptic horsemen riding forth from Hell Leaving naught but misery from their putrid trail Galloping toward Micheal with weapons tight in hand Towards the gates of heaven through the lake of sand Archangels do battle with the darkened Faust And as Satan rises up Micheal fears that all is lost With none but Him left to defend Heaven's gate The demon army rises up, led by Satan full of hate Light and Dark clash, blood spilling 'round their feet And with a crushing blow Heaven suffers full defeat #2 The lady Bathory sings from her room Tales of her servants with cnts in full bloom Locked in her tower day fades into night The countess alone masturbates with a knife The screams of her bloodlust echo o'er the hills Exciting the victims of her many kills The prayers being said for the sake of their souls Were cut short as corpses rose up for their tolls __________________ Chris Huntress 1:37 pm I aaa'd vROFL without any lube Last edited by FallenXxRaven; 10-29-2007 at 02:47 PM..*

10-28-2007, 02:16 PM	#2
ShastaTwist FFR Veteran Join Date: Sep 2004 Age: 33 Posts: 599	Re: What do you think? I think the rhythm is a bit sporadic.

12-23-2007, 04:31 PM	#9
blackbuterfly451 FFR Player Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: Vermont Posts: 107	Re: What do you think? It sounds better, though maybe the word "between" would work better than "in her". What do you think? --- okay! 'twas just a suggestion. I think it's still a good poem, regardless of the words. Still means the same thing :] Last edited by blackbuterfly451; 12-23-2007 at 06:39 PM..

12-23-2007, 04:35 PM	#10
Adamaja456 Absurd Join Date: Dec 2006 Location: 31 Billion Club, WA Age: 34 Posts: 6,433	Re: What do you think? i like the first poem __________________ 582 Tier Points(Tier 3) 602 AAAs(517+23+62) People who bought me subscriptions/tokens: DrugstoreCowboy(1 month) ELRayford(3 months) ~GJampa(3 months) Jerry DB(3 months) 4th place in Gamewhore Competition(3 months) Phynx(FGJ album and Dendrite V2) dragon890x(1 year) Slide(1 year)

12-24-2007, 12:49 PM	#11
ShastaTwist FFR Veteran Join Date: Sep 2004 Age: 33 Posts: 599	Re: What do you think? "In her thighs" doesn't really make any sense.

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