Whimper

MalReynolds · 07-16-2007, 12:13 PM

This is a hook. It is an attention grabber meant to draw you into the story.

Mr. Maddox pulled the station wagon into the empty gravel parking lot that overlooked a bend in the Franklin river. In the back seat sat his two children, Amy and Alex, and in the passenger seat, his wife Maria. Seated squarely between the two children was a small wicker picnic basket with a friendly red and white checkered cloth poking from the top.

Mr. Maddox nodded, stepping out of the car. The children followed, as did his wife, and he reached into the back, removing the basket. It felt heavy in his hand. He shut the car door, and the foursome made their way down the small dirt trail to the beach near the rushing water. Mr. Maddox was surprised to find that there were no other families at the beach. It was empty, as if everyone had something better to be doing. Perhaps they sat inside watching television, trying to catch up on current events or deluding themselves into thinking that something wasn’t seriously wrong.

A blank piece of newspaper blew past the family as they sat, eating chicken sandwiches on wheat bread, staring at the sun as it began to creep behind the hill. How fortuitous that they had found a peaceful valley to sit in as a family unit again.

The rushing water was the only soundtrack to their evening. Amy and Alex played in the water, splashing back and forth. Mr. Maddox had to warm them a few times not to wander in too deep, not to get sucked away by the tide. Mrs. Maddox sat watching them, a tear rolling down her cheek. In ran off of her chin and hit the sand, which turned dark with sorrow.

At the end of the day, the sand would still be there. It would still be dark with sorrow.

When the stars finally left their homes and took up residence in the sky, Mr. Maddox stood up, and walked towards the river. He stared at his children playing and smiled, wading into the water with them. Mrs. Maddox sat back on shore, sobbing into her hands. Amy noticed, and called out, but her voice was lost to the sound of the rushing water.

Mr. Maddox placed his hands on the shoulders of both his children, and they stared back up. Without a word, he plunged them down, under the surface of the water. Mr. Maddox had lead a fairly emotionless life, and this moment rendered no different. The sound of the water bubbling did little to move him, and the feet and arms thrashing out of the calm surface of the river did not phase. When the movement stopped, the air bubbles stopped, he pulled them up by the collars of their shirts and carried them back to the shore.

Mrs. Maddox wept, the sand around her turning darker, darker still with sorrow.

Mr. Maddox reached into the picnic basket and removed a small revolver. He stared into his wife’s eyes, and she blinked, nodding.

He fired one shot into her head. She jerked forward, her forehead resting on his shoulder. He put his hand up and stroked her hair gently before lying her out on the ground next to the children. He moved slowly next to her and took her hand in his, lying down, and pointing the gun straight down. He pulled the trigger, and his arm went limp at his side.

The blank newspaper wheeled around, carried into the air, and far away.

The sand went dark with sorrow, but the sand would carry on.

Any sound that came out of the gun when Mr. Maddox pulled the trigger for the second time was deafened by the burst and roar of the fungal clouds forming in the city. And like any fungus, it would soon spread over the world.

It was the strongest whimper.

V3T_ddrultramix3 · 07-16-2007, 01:55 PM

LOL I stopped reading 7 words into the story.

(HINT: No attention grabber.)

bluguerrilla · 07-16-2007, 02:01 PM

I like it. It could have been longer and had more happiness to contrast the ending and could have stood to be a little more personal.

**ShastaTwist** · 07-16-2007, 03:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by V3T_ddrultramix3

LOL I stopped reading 7 words into the story.

(HINT: No attention grabber.)

Then you missed out and have no sense of foreshadowing.

V3T_ddrultramix3 · 07-16-2007, 04:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ShastaTwist

Then you missed out and have no sense of foreshadowing.

And now that I HAVE, I think it was great.

**ShastaTwist** · 07-16-2007, 05:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by V3T_ddrultramix3

And now that I HAVE, I think it was great.

Congratulations.

It helps to read the story before you criticize it.

V3T_ddrultramix3 · 07-16-2007, 05:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ShastaTwist

Congratulations.

It helps to read the story before you criticize it.

Hey, at first I didn't have time to read it.

*discussion over!*

bluguerrilla · 07-16-2007, 05:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by V3T_ddrultramix3

Hey, at first I didn't have time to read it.

Leather doesn't taste good?

**ShastaTwist** · 07-16-2007, 05:30 PM

Then you should have waited until you had time to read it to comment on it.

In any case...

Another well-written story, Mal. You continue to amaze me.

GodVermilion · 07-17-2007, 04:45 PM

Yes I must agree with Shasta on that last note. This story is very well-written. The ending was great.

V3T_ddrultramix3 · 07-17-2007, 09:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MalReynolds

This is a hook. It is an attention grabber meant to draw you into the story.

LOL'd. Pretty much...

shatteredgravity · 08-6-2007, 12:11 AM

D=
aww..

07-16-2007, 12:13 PM	#1
MalReynolds CHOCK FULL O' NUTRIENTS Join Date: Sep 2003 Location: A Denny's Bathroom. Age: 36 Posts: 6,571	Whimper This is a hook. It is an attention grabber meant to draw you into the story. Mr. Maddox pulled the station wagon into the empty gravel parking lot that overlooked a bend in the Franklin river. In the back seat sat his two children, Amy and Alex, and in the passenger seat, his wife Maria. Seated squarely between the two children was a small wicker picnic basket with a friendly red and white checkered cloth poking from the top. Mr. Maddox nodded, stepping out of the car. The children followed, as did his wife, and he reached into the back, removing the basket. It felt heavy in his hand. He shut the car door, and the foursome made their way down the small dirt trail to the beach near the rushing water. Mr. Maddox was surprised to find that there were no other families at the beach. It was empty, as if everyone had something better to be doing. Perhaps they sat inside watching television, trying to catch up on current events or deluding themselves into thinking that something wasn’t seriously wrong. A blank piece of newspaper blew past the family as they sat, eating chicken sandwiches on wheat bread, staring at the sun as it began to creep behind the hill. How fortuitous that they had found a peaceful valley to sit in as a family unit again. The rushing water was the only soundtrack to their evening. Amy and Alex played in the water, splashing back and forth. Mr. Maddox had to warm them a few times not to wander in too deep, not to get sucked away by the tide. Mrs. Maddox sat watching them, a tear rolling down her cheek. In ran off of her chin and hit the sand, which turned dark with sorrow. At the end of the day, the sand would still be there. It would still be dark with sorrow. When the stars finally left their homes and took up residence in the sky, Mr. Maddox stood up, and walked towards the river. He stared at his children playing and smiled, wading into the water with them. Mrs. Maddox sat back on shore, sobbing into her hands. Amy noticed, and called out, but her voice was lost to the sound of the rushing water. Mr. Maddox placed his hands on the shoulders of both his children, and they stared back up. Without a word, he plunged them down, under the surface of the water. Mr. Maddox had lead a fairly emotionless life, and this moment rendered no different. The sound of the water bubbling did little to move him, and the feet and arms thrashing out of the calm surface of the river did not phase. When the movement stopped, the air bubbles stopped, he pulled them up by the collars of their shirts and carried them back to the shore. Mrs. Maddox wept, the sand around her turning darker, darker still with sorrow. Mr. Maddox reached into the picnic basket and removed a small revolver. He stared into his wife’s eyes, and she blinked, nodding. He fired one shot into her head. She jerked forward, her forehead resting on his shoulder. He put his hand up and stroked her hair gently before lying her out on the ground next to the children. He moved slowly next to her and took her hand in his, lying down, and pointing the gun straight down. He pulled the trigger, and his arm went limp at his side. The blank newspaper wheeled around, carried into the air, and far away. The sand went dark with sorrow, but the sand would carry on. Any sound that came out of the gun when Mr. Maddox pulled the trigger for the second time was deafened by the burst and roar of the fungal clouds forming in the city. And like any fungus, it would soon spread over the world. It was the strongest whimper. __________________ "A new take on the epic fantasy genre... Darkly comic, relatable characters... twisted storyline." "Readers who prefer tension and romance, Maledictions: The Offering, delivers... As serious YA fiction, I’ll give it five stars out of five. As a novel? Four and a half." - Liz Ellor My new novel: Maledictions: The Offering. Now in Paperback! Last edited by MalReynolds; 07-16-2007 at 04:11 PM..

07-16-2007, 01:55 PM	#2
V3T_ddrultramix3 FFR Player Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: I can't tell you, I'm playing Hide and Go Fall Off A Cliff! Posts: 307	Re: Whimper LOL I stopped reading 7 words into the story. (HINT: No attention grabber.) __________________ Awsome Contest. Enter Here. , now!

07-16-2007, 02:01 PM	#3
bluguerrilla FFR Player Join Date: Apr 2006 Age: 41 Posts: 3,966	Re: Whimper I like it. It could have been longer and had more happiness to contrast the ending and could have stood to be a little more personal. __________________

07-16-2007, 05:30 PM	#9
ShastaTwist FFR Veteran Join Date: Sep 2004 Age: 33 Posts: 599	Re: Whimper Then you should have waited until you had time to read it to comment on it. In any case... Another well-written story, Mal. You continue to amaze me.

08-6-2007, 12:11 AM	#12
shatteredgravity FFR Player Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: lost, but not hopeless Age: 32 Posts: 95	Re: Whimper D= aww..

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