For winter days.

[la]

Please comment and critique.


For winter days.


Razor sharp wind,
causes a clarity
flooded mind.


Biting air induces,
pleasurable cellophane
wrapped lips.

A crack in the wrap,
a crevasse in smirking lips,
a product leaks.


The cold brings
clear energy with reason.


Legs pump against,
what might be clouds,
but more likely concrete.


Dreams pass in and out
of realization.


Thoughts condense,
in the upper reaches
of conscience.


A slight stumble
and gain of apathy.


A collapse on the afore clouds
--they were concrete,
discovered with contact
against raw skin.


A slumber in a freezing,
muted,
dream.

[doodlesthebear]

It's nice symbolism... but I don't really understand it. Clarity can't really 'flood' the mind; clarity clears the mind. It sounds pretty, though.

[ShastaTwist]

I like it a lot.

[All_That_Chaz]

yes, it sounds nice, but i don't really understand your word choice in a lot of places. please explain if it's done for a reason. things like clarity flooding a mind, induce isn't an action verb - what is it inducing? what do you mean by 'product'? the rest of the poem seems a lot like some interesting images that are thrown together but i don't get the point you're trying to make. im not trying to sound harsh, it sounds very pretty, but so do hallmark cards, what's your point here?

[la]

Explaining a poem takes away the point. Everything is done on purpose.

Thanks for the comments.

[ShastaTwist]

Poems are open to interpretation, guys. :]]]

[sujishishou]

this poem suffers from noncompositum

[ShastaTwist]

Originally Posted by sujishishou

noncompositum

Are we making up words now? I want in.

[All_That_Chaz]

Originally Posted by la

Explaining a poem takes away the point.

Originally Posted by ShastaTwist

Poems are open to interpretation, guys. :]]]

I wouldn't dare attempt to corner the poet to a single interpretation, especially on a subject like winter. And being enigmatic is fun in a Dickinson kind of way. All I'm saying is that even though you're trying to be whimsical and your very subject matter serves to (I can't find the words) hinder reason (bad, I know) or confuse the mind (this isn't better, but I think you get it), that perhaps this poem could tighten its ideas, and I would suggest revising a couple of your word choices.

For what I mean by "clarity" and "tightened ideas," I only mean to be open to interpretation, because your poem to me seems unapproachable by readers (which of course is added humor for the writer because winter is supposed to be like that, but readers should still be able to enter the world you've created). For examples of what I mean by clarity, I point to any of the poems that I've written in these forums:
http://www.flashflashrevolution.com/...ad.php?t=65753
http://www.flashflashrevolution.com/...ad.php?t=65043
http://www.flashflashrevolution.com/...ad.php?t=62714

yea, that looks like a shameless plug, and it partly is because i wouldn't mind getting feedback, but these show what I mean.

[sujishishou]

Noncompositum is latin for "this stinkin' poem doesn't not one time never freakin' rhyme!"
Look it up. I am not joking!

[ShastaTwist]

Poems aren't all about rhyming.

That's why there's free verse.

EDIT::

http://search.yahoo.com/search?fr=yt...situm&ei=UTF-8

[FRANKKK]

Originally Posted by la

Explaining a poem takes away the point. Everything is done on purpose.

Thanks for the comments.

Exactly, I like it.

[sujishishou]

Originally Posted by ShastaTwist

Poems aren't all about rhyming.

That's why there's free verse.

EDIT::

http://search.yahoo.com/search?fr=yt...situm&ei=UTF-8

I know I am just messin'. I write a bit of poetry myself. But I always ryhme and keep a beat.
So I am just kind of biased.

I got noncompositum from the latin phrase Nullo metro compositum est.

http://www.columbia.edu/cu/augustine/arch/omnibus.html

Poem:

A spirit haunts the year’s last hours
Dwelling amid these yellowing bowers:
To himself he talks;
For at eventide, listening earnestly,
At his work you may hear him sob and sigh
In the walks;
Earthward he boweth the heavy stalks
Of the mouldering flowers:
Heavily hangs the broad sunflower
Over its grave i’ the earth so chilly;
Heavily hangs the hollyhock,
Heavily hangs the tiger-lily.

The air is damp, and hush’d, and close,
As a sick man’s room when he taketh repose
An hour before death;
My very heart faints and my whole soul grieves
At the moist rich smell of the rotting leaves,
And the breath
Of the fading edges of box beneath,
And the year’s last rose.
Heavily hangs the broad sunflower
Over its grave i’ the earth so chilly;
Heavily hangs the hollyhock,
Heavily hangs the tiger-lily.

[mead1]

Poetry without a rhyme scheme or any sort of set structure is prose.

[la]

If you have a poem to post, great. Make a topic.

Also, this poem wasn't meant to be "enigmatic" or to "confuse the mind". It's a poem I wrote based on an experience I had. There's nothing that was supposed to "hinder reason" in the whole poem.

I appreciate everyone's comments.

[KamonKi]

yea FFR ish for winter days yeah lol n.n

[ShastaTwist]

Originally Posted by KamonKi

yea FFR ish for winter days yeah lol n.n

Do you have anything intelligent to add to any of the conversations in the Literature Forum?

[sujishishou]

Before I seem like a really mean jerk that goes around insulting people....
La, I think your poem is very good. It would win a prize where I am from. And that is saying alot. I come from a very artistic neighborhood.

[la]

I wasn't judging you as a jerk for voicing your thoughts. You don't have to re-assure me that I'm good enough.

Don't worry about it.

[All_That_Chaz]

Originally Posted by la

Also, this poem wasn't meant to be "enigmatic" or to "confuse the mind". It's a poem I wrote based on an experience I had. There's nothing that was supposed to "hinder reason" in the whole poem.

*hint* once the poem is out of your hands, you don't control the interpretation. i was just trying to be nice, i agree with mead, you write a pile of prose. Even free verse has more structure than this.