Untitled Story

[CaptainGordon]

This is the start of a novel that I am working on, and I just wanted some early feedback. It's the first story that I've worked on, and it seems pretty good to me. I just wanted a small amount of other feedback since I'm naturally going to think that the things I do are good, and it's hard to give yourself constructive criticism.

I have the first two chapters all done (for now) and the third one isn't complete yet.

Thanks!

______________________________________________

I. Meet James Conders

James Conders was about to die.
It was a eight o’clock on a Tuesday evening, and Martha Edwards was arranging for her suicide. It was a eight o’clock on a Tuesday evening, and the murderer of Martha Edwards was entering her apartment. It was a eight o’clock on a Tuesday evening, and the husband of Martha Edwards was watching her from the closet, waiting for her to indulge in the pork roast that he had poisoned the day before. Everything was going as planned for Martha’s suicide. The murderer’s gun was cocked and loaded. The pork roast’s aroma was permeating the room. It was one minute passed eight o’clock on a Tuesday evening, and everything went horribly wrong. As the murderer entered the room, he noticed the pork roast on the table and ate a piece. Seeing this act from the closet, the husband of Martha Edwards jumped out of the closet and tried to stop him, resulting in his death at the hand of the murderer’s gun. After the husband was disposed of, Martha Edwards was well aware of the murderer’s presence. Unfortunately, before anything could be done, the criminal perished as the poison attacked his system. Martha Edwards, now gravely confused, sat and examined the scene for a few moments. At approximately six minutes past eight o’clock, Martha Edwards stepped out onto her 16 story balcony and prepared to jump off. Slightly after reciting a dramatic line into the wind that would make her suicide more interesting to any onlookers, she had a heart attack and fell onto the frail figure of a man below.
James Conders was dead.

II. Meet James Conders Again

Even though he had not been a religious person in his past life, James Conders found himself in a great hall full of angels after he was crushed by 316 pounds of a suicidal woman. Nothing had ever caused him not to believe in God, he simply did not believe. Nonetheless, this hall full of triumphant music and a white sky that glowed with a delicate softness immediately changed his views on the after-life. He thought that he could still technically deny it, but to do so would be a waste of time. If he was going to go into heaven without doing anything to merit his entrance, then he wanted to get it done fast.

The large man sitting behind an elegant ivory desk was probably named Larry, and James Conders approached him with a large amount of apprehension. He looked like a Larry.

“So, you’re that Conders guy, eh?” the intimidating man inquired as he slammed a stamp down on a stack of papers.

“Yes, that’s me,” Conders reluctantly replied.

“So, do you think you’re good enough to make it into Heaven?”

“Um, well I wasn’t very religious in my past life, but-”

“So, do you think you’ve got what it takes to meet the big man himself?”

“Well what I was saying was that I think I can-”

“So, do you think you were good enough in your past life to live eternally in this life?”

“Well since you keep cutting me off when I try to say no, then yes. I think I am good enough to make it into Heaven.”

“Well you’re not! You were a bad person in your past life.”

“That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you.”

“That’s what I just told you.”

“Yes, but I was trying to tell you before,” he was becoming impatient, “You kept cutting me off.”

“Because I wanted to tell you. It wouldn’t have been fun if you admitted it yourself.”

“Oh, I see,” said James Conders

“Take that!”, the large man replied.

James Conders didn’t know what to think. This certainly didn’t seem like the Heaven that he had never imagined. If he had believed in Heaven during his past life, this was not what he would have believed. It was actually rather disappointing to James Conders, even though there was no reason for him to be disappointed.

“Well, is there anything that I can do to be worthy of-”

“WAIT!”, Larry had jumped up onto his desk in a state of sudden panic. “Do you think that you can do anything to be worthy of going into Heaven?”

“I was just about to-”

“So, do you think that any task your puny little body can perform will persuade the big man to let you in?”

“I hope so, but I was going to-”

“So, do you think that you can do something to make up for your horrible past life and allow you to live eternally?”

“Yes…?” James Conders stated in a very confused tone.

“Correct!”, Larry returned to his seat, knocking over the stack of papers in the process, “In order to gain admittance into Heaven, one must complete an entrance exam that consists of a single test. The test will be very difficult. Unless you are really good at it, of course.”

“Do people that led good lives on earth have to complete the same tests as-”

“So, do you think that the people who were better than you on earth have to complete the same tests that you do?”

James Conders sighed. “No, they probably have much easier tests.”

“Wrong! They actually have to take the same tests that you do.”

“That doesn’t make any sense.”

“So?” Larry replied, mocking James Conders in the process.

“What is the incentive for doing good on earth, then?” James Conders inquired.

“There is none,” Larry replied.

“Oh,” James Conders was very confused, “well then why do people on earth do good things?”

“Because we lie to them. We tell them to do good things on earth so that they’ll be nice to each other and try to live as long as they possibly can.” Larry readjusted himself in his chair as he started the long process of restacking the heap of papers, “Can you imagine how many people we would have up here every day if everyone knew that you didn’t have to do anything special to get into Heaven while you were on Earth?”

“I guess that makes sense.”

“Yes, it does”, Larry said.

Larry certainly was an interesting figure, but it didn’t really matter. James Conders had much more important things to worry about. After standing in the same place for several minutes while pondering what the tasks ahead of him would be, James Conders realized that Larry was sitting right in front of him, loaded with answers.

“So…What should I do?” asked James Conders.

Larry looked up from his large pile of papers and stared at James Conders with a confused glance. “And you are…?”

“Uh, I’m-”

“James Conders, isn’t it?”

“Why yes, that is who I am”

Larry looked rather pleased with himself. “I bet you’re probably wondering how I knew that, right?”

“Not really. We’ve already established who I am.” James Conders decided at that moment that he didn’t care for Larry. People had always told James Conders that he was too quick to judge people, but he knew that he hated Larry.

“Well I’m not going to tell you how I knew. How are you going to live with that?” Larry asked, “It’s probably going to drive you crazy.”

“No, it’s actually not. At all. Can you please tell me what I have to do?” James Conders asked.

“What do you mean? How do you know that you have to do something?”

“You just told me.” James Conders was getting very impatient.

“How do you know? It might have been an illusion. This might all be a dream. How do you know that anything - this place in particular - exists?”

“I don’t, but it does, right?” James Conders asked

“I wouldn’t be too sure of that,” Larry was wagging his finger at James Conders, “Well, actually, I would. This place does exist. I was just joking around with you. Sorry for the delay.”

James Conders sat down on the elegant floor and buried his head in his hands.

“Really, I’m sorry,” Larry said. “I’ll tell you all about the first test in the morning. You need some rest now. You look very tired.”

James Conders blindly agreed, and proceeded to walk past Larry toward the door behind him.

“I wouldn’t enter that door if I were you,” Larry said.

“Why not?” James Conders asked.

“You’ll find out in time,” Larry said.

“Oh, ok. What is your name, by the way?”

“It’s not Larry,” Larry replied.


III. The Chief

When James Conders didn’t think of the after-life, his mind formed a happy image of a place where anything goes without his consent. In fact, Ted Tuckerton had told him just two days ago that in Heaven, people play golf and eat fattening foods all day long. Ted Tuckerton was never wrong. The co-workers of James Conders had come up with a handy rule that pertained to all questions that seemed to be unanswerable. If no one else knows, ask Ted Tuckerton. If Ted Tuckerton did not know the answer, ask him again in ten minutes after the answer was beamed to him from a high-tech satellite in space somewhere. There actually was a satellite in space that gave Ted Tuckerton ultimate knowledge. There was no other explanation.

After a few hours of sleep, James Conders was waken up by the booming sound of Larry’s fist pounding on the frail wooden door.

“Wake up Conders!”, Larry called out.

“I’ll be out in a moment,” James Conders replied

Today was almost sure to be an interesting day, unless of course it wasn’t interesting. In fact, the only chance that this day had of being uninteresting was if it wasn’t interesting, which seemed highly unlikely.

The door seemed unusually heavy, but James Conders pushed it open. “Hello again, Larry,” James Conders said.

“My name isn’t Larry,” Larry replied.

“Well then what is it?”

“My name is not Larry. The ‘not’ is part of my name. My name is ‘not Larry’, Larry said.

“That’s an incredibly unusual name,” James Conders said.

“Maybe,” Larry bluntly replied.

Larry looked hurt, but James Conders did not take notice. James Conders was blind to the emotions of others.

“So then…what test do I have to take?” James Conders asked.

“Oh yes of course,” Larry had regained his usual demeanor, “We should get moving. Please step into the vehicle on your right.”

There was no vehicle to the right of James Conders.

“I see no vehicle to my right,” James Conders added.

“Ah, yes. You need permission from the chief to see material objects in this realm. Isn’t this exciting?” Larry thought that it was exciting.

“Why do I need permission to see things from an the chief?” James Conders asked.

“Who knows?” Larry was starting the invisible vehicle, “He just started to require that one day.”

***

The chief was a very large man that paled in comparison to a picture of himself that was blown up two sizes. According to Larry, he was a very wise man with all power and all knowledge over this world that they currently resigned in. James Conders was bored.

“So, you wish to be able to not not be able to see the material objects in our world?” the chief asked James Conders.

“Does that mean that I do want to see them?” James Conders asked in reply.

“1, 3, 5, 8, 2, 4, 20, 13. The answer lies in these numbers. The answer will be three or two when the average of the previous array is taken. You decide what to do from there.”

James Conders thought for a moment and said, “But the average of those numbers is seven.”

“I said three or two, though,” the chief replied.

“Yes, but the answer isn’t three or two. The answer is seven.”

“If you use my math system the answer is either three or two.”

“I don’t know your math system,” the disgruntled James Conders replied. James Conders was very disgruntled.

“Well perhaps you should have learned it before you came to see me,” the chief replied, his words cutting through the air like a knife through a tender slice of bacon that was already half cut, rendering it not very difficult to slice through.

“What type of math system is this math system of yours?” James Conders asked. James Conders had learned most of the mathematical equations and systems on earth, and the thought of a new system that redefined the definition of an average intrigued him.

“Whatever I want it to be. I simply spit out random numbers, plug them into my mathematical system, and receive an answer of two or three every time.”

“How do you define whether you receive a two or a three?” the curious James Conders asked.

“Oh, it doesn’t matter,” the chief replied, “I won’t let the other person pick any other answer besides two, anyways. Since the word ‘yes’ has three letters in it, it is assigned the letter two. The word ‘no’ is assigned to the number three because of its two letters.”

“Don’t you mean that three is assigned to ‘yes’ because it has three letters and two is assigned to ‘no’ because of its two letters?” James Conders asked.

“No, I don’t mean that. Would you like me to explain my system of assigning numbers to words based on their letter count?”

“No, I would not,” James Conders replied.

“Well then, please stop asking questions Mr. Conders,” the chief said.

[MalReynolds]

That was incredibly funny. It reminded me of Hitchhikers Guide to some extent. Aside from some bizarre phrasing that I thought helped the piece more than hurt it, I'd say you're off to a solid start.

[Grandiagod]

It was pretty cool. Although I seemed to be drowning in dialouge.

[SethSquall]

Larry was my favourite character. I thought it was an awesome read all in all. Was fun to read. Didnt seem like I was reading it for the sake of my opinion at the end. Its not easy to do that either, well not for me.