The Beast

[Abhorsen768]

He could hear the yipes and moans of pain coming from behind him,
but he dared not look back. It had been happening for about a month now. That idiot Daniel had sat on the back of the bus trying ever so hard to become one of the guys.

Andrew had been just like him once,
always trying not to be the odd man out, always getting his zit covered face smashed into the dirt over and over again, for trying to become one of them. To be higher on the food chain of school. Andrew didn't want to reach the "top" if there was such a thing. Once you reached a certain level of popularity there would always be someone driven by jealousy, hate or anger to try to bring you back down.
But if opportunity reared its beautiful head to show its ugly mocking side and give Andrew the chance to be one of them, the ones who cause this dammed chain of sorrow, anger, hate, lust and fear he would accept it with unwilling welcome.

He didn't want to cause pain,
he just wanted to avoid it. And after fifteen years of trying he finally did. He wasn’t popular. He knew if he were popular, he would have to do things he knew he would regret. That's why he never wanted to be like the others who were more popular. But part of him - human nature perhaps - wanted to be just like them. He loathed that side. It was the side of him that was willing to hurt anyone to become the "social-standard", it was locked up and hidden within him like a vicious animal locked up in a cage and hidden within the zoo of other animals in fear of what it might do to the people who got too close.

That side scared Andrew.
For he knew how easy it was for the beast to escape its bindings. He had to keep it locked away so no one would know it existed.
But it was no longer his turn to suffer so much.
It was the kid-behind-him's turn. And had surpassed his old social level, and Daniel simply had not. Andrew turned up his headphones to block out the pitiful yelps of a kid behind him getting beat up.
It didn't help.
The same moans and cries were still heard. He didn't know if it was him imagining it or it was the kid two seats back. Andrew hated those pathetic whimpers, it reminded him of the past he wished to forget. All of memories of pain - both physical and mental - of anger, sorrow, depression and thoughts of suicide.
He didn't want to think of his past.
'Don't think about it. Just a few more minutes and you'll be home.'

Andrew couldn't sleep that night,
he felt that something was wrong. He could hear the whispers crawling back into his skull. 'Sleep. It will make you feel better. You can drown yourself in your dreams and forget your sorrow.' The beast spoke those words to him through its prison. 'your cool now! You went through the same thing and no one helped you! Your cool now, you don't have thoughts of sorrow or regret, I thought I remember saying something a long time ago. What was it? Emotions are a weakness? You put your feelings away a long time ago. A sacrifice was made for a benefit, it was your choice and you chose! I'm your friend now Maybe the only one you've got.'
"Your lying." Andrew thought quite calmly but sounding a bit unsure in his thoughts.
'Ask yourself this. How many real friends do you have? Name one.'
"There's Cody!"
'Cody? Are you kidding me? He would stab you in the back for any reason given without second thought. Your just lucky he hasn't done it yet.'"Shut the hell up!"
'Or what? you'll lock me away in the back of you mind again like an animal so you can cry on you pillow without conviction?'
"Your not an animal, you’re a beast! A monster willing to sacrifice others to better yourself!"
There was no response.
Andrew took this opportunity of quiet to fall asleep before the beast could crawl back into his mind again and start whispering thoughts of deception.

The next morning Daniel wasn't on the bus.
Andrew could hear the jokes about him being said quite loudly on purpose for everyone to hear. Andrew felt a twinge of sadness and pity. Pity because of how they treated him. Sorrow he didn't know why.

"Something's happened."
He thought. 'Don't be so stupid!' The beast said in reply as if Andrew had spoken to him. 'Just relax and focus on you music.' For once the beast inside him was right. Maybe Daniel was just sick, or his mom decided to drive him.
'That dip**** better get back soon, or we're next.'

The next day there was no sign of Daniel.
Now that there was no prey the predators started talking to Andrew. But not in the friendly way. It was more of a mocking interrogation. Whatever Andrew would say they would twist around into something sick and store it for later use of spreading rumors.

When Andrew had finally gotten home all he could think of was sleep. He wasn't in the mood for talking to his mom. But obviously she was in the mood of talking with him.
"Andrew come quickly!" his mother said with a bit of an nervous on edge tone. Andrew rushed to his mothers room to see what was happening. "On the news their talking about a kid from your school who committed suicide. Such a terrible thing." Andrew watched the TV intently. Praying that they would not say the name he should have already known they would speak.

Daniel John Simmons.
That was his name. Andrew hadn't even know his last name. He had pulled his fathers revolver from his drawer and wrote on a piece of paper "Forgive me God." and finally pulled the trigger. Andrew thought he was going to puke.
"Honey, your pale. Did you know this boy?" Andrews mother said with concern.
"No Mom. I didn't know him." Andrew responded with impossibly strait face. "You can go now. That's all I wanted to know. Such a pity, I hope the Mom is okay." She said finally after a short period of silence.
"I'm gonna take a shower."
"Okay."

Andrew couldn’t stand.
He hadn’t been able to stand since he closed the bathroom door. He just crawled into the shower and sat there, rocking back and forth in a trance of guilt. He never thought that Daniel would go that far.

I could have been there for him.
Andrew thought. But I was too scared that I would stoop to that level again. The level of pain where everyone sucks the life out of you. To make themselves look better.'Suits him right. The world will be a better place without him.' the beast was back. He was so unusually quiet Andrew had almost forgotten about him.
"How could you say that? A person killed themself because no one was there for him and no one was willing to protect him."
'People like that breed weakness. It is these trials that make us who we are. We become stronger, smarter, better than all the rest!! But if we help and support each other then we become fragile and weak.’
"I hate you."
'Do you think me cruel?'
"Yes."
'That is where you are wrong. You are the cruel one. Because you want to help them. What if by helping them survive another day then they cause pain to another or what if you help them and all it does is allow them to survive one more day just to suffer more themselves?'
"But you can't know that."
'Would you risk it? You weaken yourself with your pitiful emotions. I am just here to make you stronger. All I ask is that you trust me. Let me be in control. I can only help you at this point.'
"No!"
'Do you know what's going to happen now? Do you!? They will come for you next. Because they have run out of targets you are the most convenient then next to one.'
The beasts last word hit him like a brick wall. He was right. Andrew was horrified at what he had said. He did not want his past to catch up with him. The pain, the anger, loneliness what if he ended up like Daniel?
"What do I need to do?"

The next morning on the bus Andrew sat next to Paul one of the people who tortured Daniel to death.
He immediately began to speak. "Did you hear that *** Daniel killed himself? Stupid idiot. Every person like him should do the same." Snickering came from the background, but Paul wasn’t pleased. Andrew knew that Paul was about to start some insulting remark that would lock him into a vortex of insults perhaps for the rest of the time he went to school, it was definitely possible. But Andrew was too fast. "That means you too Paul. Like I said all the ******s like Daniel should do the same and shoot themselves in the head."
The people behind Andrew where laughing hard now but were a bit tense. everyone knew what was going to happen next. Including Andrew. Paul lashed out with a punch but Andrew nimbly struck him in the crotch and pulled Paul from the inside of the seat and threw him into the walkway for the bus driver to yell at him to be laughed at and ruined for the rest of his life, suffering like Daniel had.

Andrew was cool now
at the price of another. "What's your name man?" One of the last teens asked. Andrew responded with. "Just call me Beast."

Written by Andrew Elkins

This short story is inspired by a true story except there was no suicide. Besides that the names other than Andrew everything else is true.
The beast is another side of Andrew who was created from his painful and angry past. Much like human instinct. I like to think that everyone has a little bit of a beast in them who tells them the twisted truth of life and causes people to change like Andrew did. In the end Andrew was consumed by the beast by unlocking his cage and releasing it because of his fear of what would become of him if he did'nt stop being a hider and become a predator to protect himself from others.
The last thing I do before I go is ask for the kid who inspired me for this story to forgive me because my inspiration required his pain to write this story. I just hope he can find it in him to do that.

[esupin]

First, let me pick out some grammar stuff.

Find all the "your"s in the story- many of them should actually be "you're"

That idiot Daniel had sat on the back of the bus trying ever so hardly to become

I like how you mixed in short sentences into the story, but some of your sentences are lacking punctuation, like this one:

The next morning on the bus Andrew sat next to Paul one of the people who tortured Daniel to death.

I think the best thing is to come back to this a week later and see if you can change anything. It's good to come back to a piece later and revise anything. Also, read your writing out loud- it's easier to catch mistakes that way. I don't know how old you are, but I'm guessing ~15~? If so, your writing should naturally improve as time goes on (take that as a compliment).

One more thing: Looks like a run-on:

Paul lashed out with a punch but Andrew nimbly struck him in the crotch and pulled Paul from the inside of the seat and threw him into the walkway for the bus driver to yell at him to be laughed at and ruined for the rest of his life, suffering like Daniel had.

I can't see someone nimbly striking anyone in the crotch, if you know what I mean. ; )

[Abhorsen768]

I really need to work on it. But other than that what did you think?
BTW, thanks for the compliment. I don't get much of those. lol. And also with the whole:
"The next morning on the bus Andrew sat next to Paul one of the people who tortured Daniel to death." I wanna make it so that it happened on monday morning but I can't think of a way to change it to that without making it shorter, I'm having a bit of a block right now.
I think if you pay close enough attention you can notice that the feeling that you recieve from my writing changes from beggining to middle to end because of my change of inspiration.
I started off with alot of inspiration (on the bus) and then like when I got to my stop I was beggining to lose inspiration so I just sat down and continued writing so I coudn't distract myself with the things around me. Then I decided to walk while I wrote and sat down on the steps of my house and continued from there, got yelled at for weiring my step-dads shirt and finished the story on my computer. So those are all the places and events that cause he change of feeling in my writing. It's very easy to do that to me.

P.S. Yes I am 15.
P.S.S. You can put in multiple answers on the poll.

[CypherToorima]

I liked this story. It's more 'real' than most other stories in 'Literature' (not as in insult to the other writers here).

All in all, I enjoyed the story enough to not really notice any of the grammar mistakes.

[esupin]

Originally Posted by Abhorsen768

But other than that what did you think?

I think you've got all the pieces together, and I enjoyed the story. Like Cypher said, very real.

However, from a if-I-were-to-submit-this-to-my-english-teacher standpoint, you need to fix the grammar and the flow. Hopefully that doesn't come off as anal.

[Abhorsen768]

Man, I need to like go through 5th, 6th, 7th grade again. lol. I wasn't interested in things like grammer and parts of speech back then, I thought it wasn't important to know things like that. I dunno how I'm gonna learn those things over again. And there is no way in hell that I am goin back. lol.

Does it seem like it moves too fast? Like for me it feels that it jumps from one thought to another much to quickly. Making it feel rushed.
But other than that I'm pretty excited about what you guys are saying, normally my work is pretty dull and makes no sense at times. Thanks.

[Abhorsen768]

oops, sorry for the double post. (can a mod remove this?)