Specforces's guide to raising your children.

**Specforces** · 10-3-2005, 01:48 AM

Let's face it FFR meatheads: raising kids in this day and age is a hectic business. When questions like 'Where do babies come from?' and 'What the fuck have you done this time?' come up, your kid doesn't know what the hell is going on. So to help you through these difficult times, I've written a short guide.

1. Switch religions each month, but don't tell your kid which one you're currently following. If he does something which your religion forbids, break his legs and make him sleep in the basement for the next week. When you run out of religions, make up new ones that specifically forbid being a faliure (note: he is a faliure).

2. Tell him he isn't edgy enough. Buy him a guitar and ask him to play some jungle bop. Don't explain what jungle bop is, but get extremely angry if he cant do it. Like, bees in his cereal angry.

3. Bake him a cake. When he cuts it, he should discover that it's made of melted plastic and is hollow on the inside. "Just like my heart," you'll tell him.

4. If he can't sleep after watching a scary film, unload a round of lead into the television and tell him that it's coming out of his allowance. If he points out he doesn't receive an allowance, point out you don't have a son and tell him to get out.

5. Demand that he eat a whole watermellon in one mouthful. On the way to the hospital, keep telling him, "I can't believe we're missing your grandmother's funeral for this."

Follow these guidelines and you'll be fine.

Jam930 · 10-3-2005, 03:42 AM

Neat.

Just curious, what prompted you to do this?

Layla-Day · 10-3-2005, 05:52 AM

Spec, Trojan is your friend.

whorlichan · 10-3-2005, 07:38 AM

Whorli's Guide to Raising Your Children:

A) wipe them off with a towel/kleenex/whatever before they ever get near a uterus
B) vacuum them out/coathanger/whatever before they get out of the uterus
C) give them to someone else

That's my way of doing it, and I've never had a problem!

**FishFishRevolution** · 10-3-2005, 09:27 AM

Well, now I know why my friend Tim has the parents he does. Seriously, every single one of those tips sounds like somthing Tim's parents would do, Spec. I still laughed pretty hard, especially "I don't have a son."

Tokzic · 10-3-2005, 09:29 AM

Tokzic's Guide to Raising Children

1) Don't have children.

Follow these guidelines and there'll be less competition for careers in the future. The world economy will thank you.

**Tasselfoot** · 10-3-2005, 09:52 AM

I'm just curious what spawned this rant.

**Moogy** · 10-3-2005, 12:52 PM

And I mean stealing. You even inserted your own name.

GuidoHunter · 10-3-2005, 01:16 PM

The

is your friend, Moogy.

The article sounded almost maddox-like. Hilarious, indeed.

--Guido

http://andy.mikee385.com

**Moogy** · 10-3-2005, 02:14 PM

I don't have to edit. I'm above the law.

**lightdarkness** · 10-3-2005, 02:17 PM

Moogy, you have recieved a forum warning for double posting, and being above the law <3

10-3-2005, 01:48 AM	#1
Specforces Yes Join Date: Jan 2004 Age: 38 Posts: 5,028	Specforces's guide to raising your children. Let's face it FFR meatheads: raising kids in this day and age is a hectic business. When questions like 'Where do babies come from?' and 'What the fuck have you done this time?' come up, your kid doesn't know what the hell is going on. So to help you through these difficult times, I've written a short guide. 1. Switch religions each month, but don't tell your kid which one you're currently following. If he does something which your religion forbids, break his legs and make him sleep in the basement for the next week. When you run out of religions, make up new ones that specifically forbid being a faliure (note: he is a faliure). 2. Tell him he isn't edgy enough. Buy him a guitar and ask him to play some jungle bop. Don't explain what jungle bop is, but get extremely angry if he cant do it. Like, bees in his cereal angry. 3. Bake him a cake. When he cuts it, he should discover that it's made of melted plastic and is hollow on the inside. "Just like my heart," you'll tell him. 4. If he can't sleep after watching a scary film, unload a round of lead into the television and tell him that it's coming out of his allowance. If he points out he doesn't receive an allowance, point out you don't have a son and tell him to get out. 5. Demand that he eat a whole watermellon in one mouthful. On the way to the hospital, keep telling him, "I can't believe we're missing your grandmother's funeral for this." Follow these guidelines and you'll be fine. __________________ Check Out My Music

10-3-2005, 03:42 AM	#2
Jam930 FFR Player Join Date: Apr 2004 Posts: 1,069	RE: Specforces Neat. Just curious, what prompted you to do this? __________________ -Jamie

10-3-2005, 05:52 AM	#3
Layla-Day FFR Player Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Detroit Michigan BIISHES!! Posts: 124	Spec, Trojan is your friend. __________________

10-3-2005, 07:38 AM	#4
whorlichan Tiny Plastic Meat Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: The Valley, Los Angeles Age: 40 Posts: 669	Whorli's Guide to Raising Your Children: A) wipe them off with a towel/kleenex/whatever before they ever get near a uterus B) vacuum them out/coathanger/whatever before they get out of the uterus C) give them to someone else That's my way of doing it, and I've never had a problem! __________________ Goddess of Chocolate Sauce First ever graduate of the Quetzacoatino Academy for Aspiring Deities My lame LJ My friend Cassie's amazing photography

10-3-2005, 09:27 AM	#5
FishFishRevolution GotR Creator Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Vi sitter här i venten Current Band: The National Age: 36 Posts: 7,251	Well, now I know why my friend Tim has the parents he does. Seriously, every single one of those tips sounds like somthing Tim's parents would do, Spec. I still laughed pretty hard, especially "I don't have a son." __________________

10-3-2005, 09:29 AM	#6
Tokzic FFR Player Join Date: May 2005 Location: TGB Age: 34 Posts: 6,878	Tokzic's Guide to Raising Children 1) Don't have children. Follow these guidelines and there'll be less competition for careers in the future. The world economy will thank you. __________________ ~very popular guitar streamer~ Last edited by Tokzic: Today at 11:59 PM. Reason: wait what

10-3-2005, 09:52 AM	#7
Tasselfoot Retired BOSS Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: Widget Heaven Age: 40 Posts: 25,184	I'm just curious what spawned this rant. __________________ RIP

10-3-2005, 12:52 PM	#8
Moogy 嗚呼 Join Date: Aug 2003 Age: 34 Posts: 10,303	And I mean stealing. You even inserted your own name. __________________ Plz visit my blog ^^^ vintage signature from like 2006 preserved

10-3-2005, 02:14 PM	#10
Moogy 嗚呼 Join Date: Aug 2003 Age: 34 Posts: 10,303	I don't have to edit. I'm above the law. __________________ Plz visit my blog ^^^ vintage signature from like 2006 preserved

10-3-2005, 02:17 PM	#11
lightdarkness Summer!! Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: New York Age: 35 Posts: 11,308	Moogy, you have recieved a forum warning for double posting, and being above the law <3 __________________

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