One of my stories

[psychic25]

Confession

“Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.”

“Confess your sin before God, my son, and He will forgive you.”

“...”

“My son?”

“I apologize, Father. I just need a moment to... to clear my head.”

“That’s all right, my son. Take your time.”

“All right. Uh... Father?”

“Yes?”

“Before we continue... you won’t... tell anybody what I say, will you?”

“Of course not. I am forbidden by the Church and by God.”

“Very well... Father, I have killed.”

“Do tell?”

“Two nights ago.”

“...”

“Father, are you there?”

“Oh. Yes, my son. Please, go on. Tell me exactly what happened.”

“Okay... *ahem. Down at the corner of 3rd and Main. I was just...walking- you know what I mean- and then I saw this girl... Ahhh... Oh, man, she was sexy. Oh... sorry, Father. But anyway, I... uh... made a pass at her- real cool-like, you know? I like to think of myself as a-”

“Please continue.”

“Sorry, Father. Where was I? Ah, right. So I made a pass at her, but she shot me down. So then I got really angry. I mean, who wouldn’t? I’m a good-looking guy, if I do say so myself. Why the HELL should I let some stupid BROAD turn ME down?”

“...”

“Oh... whoops... sorry, Father. So... uh... so she blew me off, I got piss- I mean, angry. And then I followed her for a bit. Eventually, she walked past an alley, and I just sort of lost it right then. I... I punched her in the back of the head and dragged her into the alley and... well... I also confess to the sin of rape, Father.”

“..."

“Father, are you there? Don’t go... heh, don’t go zoning out on me!”

“Yes... finish your story, please.”

“Well, there’s not much left to tell, actually. Yeah... after that, I had a knife with me... I stabbed her. She tried to fight back! What the hell was I supposed to do? The little bitch took her necklace off and tried to strangle me with it just as soon as she woke up! If I didn’t kill her, SHE would have killed ME. God! I never meant to kill her, it just... just turned out that way.”

“...”

“*sniff”

“Do you repent of your sins and ask God to forgive you?"

“Yes, yes I do! Please, God, forgive me!”

“It is done. Ego te absolvo. I absolve thee.”

“Thank you, Father.”

“...”

“Uh... I guess I’ll be going now.”

“Wait.”

“...What is it?”

“Can I tell YOU something now?”

“Um... sure... I guess.”

“..."

“Father?”

“I am sorry. Just... please... just give me a moment to clear my head.”

“Uh... okay.”

“...”

“...”

“My little niece was murdered two nights ago. The police found her body near the corner of 3rd and Main. They told us- the family- that she had been raped, knocked out, and then stabbed. They found her necklace nearby. She had marks on her arm that show she tried to defend herself with it. We’ve been looking for her murderer for the last forty-eight hours, with no success at all. Our family has been so desperate to find the killer. She was... she was... such a sweet girl...”

“...”

“...*sob”

“Oh my God. No... no kidding?”

“...*sniff”

“I don’t believe this... I’m so sorry!”

“That still doesn’t change the fact that you KILLED her.”

“So... damn... so are you going to arrest me or something?”

“You see... the thing is... I can’t.”

“What?”

“I’m forbidden from revealing anything that I hear in here to anybody else. I’m supposed to keep anonymity...”

“...”

“God, g-grant me the s-strength to ch-change what I can, the c-courage to live with what I cannot...”

“So you... won’t turn me in?”

“*sob”

“So you can’t...”

“Just... go. It would have been better if you hadn’t come.”

“...”

“Out of curiosity, just... just why did you choose to confess a murder?”

“I don’t know, really... It’s just been weighing on me for these past two days. I just HAD to get it off my chest, even if I got caught because of it.”

“It seems as if you did.”

“Yeah.”

“...”

“I’m sorry, Father. Please... forgive me.”

“Only God can forgive you. I... I, a mere man... I cannot. Goodbye.”

“Goodbye...”


“Hello, this is the police station. How can I help you?”

“I... I’m turning myself in. For murder.”

[suicidalmuskrat]

I enjoyed it. Well done.

[Mindfields]

It's kinda like than chain letter you get from your mom about how this one dude was speeding and this cop pulls him over and on the ticket the cop writes 'My daughter got killed by a speeding driver blah blah blah'.
In the beginning, I didn't like how much he corrected himself for saying curse words/slang terms, etc. It was annoying. If you took a little it of that out, it would be better.

[pfff]

Very well done, except i have trouble telling who is who, is it always that they switch off every line, or sometimes does the guy or the priest say something twice in a row? Please excuse my confusion.

[Anticrombie0909]

What the hell was the point? No substance, mere shreds of a plot, hard to follow, and I kept waiting for a punch line as you presented it like a joke. In addition, your failed attempt at comedy destroys any chance of anybody taking this seriously.

[Snapps]

I didn't think there was going to be a punch line, yet I thought the person was going to rank on how bad the system is or something.

Ego te absolvo

When I read that I thought it was like some magic word or something.

Anyway good story, yet at the end, both of their tones of voices were the same, scared and upbeat, as when a father guy is suppost to stay calm relaxed and such throughout the whole thing they are doing.

Really good for a short, yet the ending wasn't a surprise, its not really needed unless you added more to that becasue it was really quick. Maybe add some thinking before calling the police, yet not letting anyone know what he is really thinking is contacting them. The reader will think its something else, etc.

Just my little rant about it. Good job.

[Moogy]

Originally Posted by Snapps

When I read that I thought it was like some magic word or something.

It means "I am absolved" in Latin.

[tnyhwk900]

Wow. I loved that.

[XDDRCutieX]

*claps* Wonderful. Just wonderful. I loved it. Good job!
~Rach~

[Tps222]

I thought it was a joke as well. Good job otherwise.

[msbrunnettemickey]

When i began reading this, i thought it was not really our century...
So i though, "hey this is cool"

But then it got more obvious that it is...

But i really enjoyed it =)
Great job.

[psychic25]

What part was the joke? I really didn't intend for any jokes to be in there.

And I'm sorry about any confusion, but yes, the characters do alternate every line.

[ruifio894]

Thats tight dude, nice job.

[Eyoshi]

The story's pretty good. However, I would have liked some description of the story's atmosphere, though.

[The_Q]

Good ole guilt trips. Mothers-to-be, take note...

Q

[psychic25]

I didn't put in any description because in a confessional, there's not supposed to be anything else- just the two voices talking to each other.

[ruifio894]

Originally Posted by Anticrombie0909

What the hell was the point? No substance, mere shreds of a plot, hard to follow, and I kept waiting for a punch line as you presented it like a joke. In addition, your failed attempt at comedy destroys any chance of anybody taking this seriously.

Psh, and who are you to shoot him down, lets see you write something better. Your critisizing him like your some critic. Seriously lets see you top that.

[Anticrombie0909]

I don't have to. I'm not the one distributing stories on the internet. He put this on here for us to read and criticize, but as soon as somebody says something negative about it you all start bitching and moaning.

How is he supposed to get better if everyone tells him that his story was awesome, when in reality it bites the big one?

[ruifio894]

Well considering the fact that your like the ONLY ONE who doesnt think its good.

[The_Q]

No, Anti's pretty right. It was presented as a joke and I waited for a plot line until the priest started to cry.

Because it wasn't comedy I was thrown and the story didn't have the full effect it could have.

Also, Ruffio, please note that my previous post said nothing about the quality of the story. It simply stated that "yes, there is power in guilt trips."

Q