Help with Understanding How I would Respond in Any Given Conversation

[drizzleRomanceGirl]

Hello! ^.^ I have two issues when speaking in a conversation.

First of all, I need help understanding what I would say when I respond to someone. I know this sounds silly, but I honestly don't have any conscious phrases or expressions I would normally recite in a conversation other than "hello", "how are you", "have a nice day", or "see you later". I know it's nice to be spontaneous when speaking so that every conversation is unique, but this makes me pause a lot when speaking because I'm not sure how to respond. Is there any way to solve this dilemma?

Additionally, I feel like I don't have much of a personality when speaking or even when typing online. I usually try to be nice to people when talking unless I feel like I should tell someone something specific. I normally say phrases like: "that's great/wonderful!", "I'm happy for you!", "I hope you *insert accomplishment for the problem someone else is having*, etc. However, I would like to have more of an opinion on topics in general. For example, in the television show Gilmore Girls, many of the main characters almost always have something new to say about every topic, and they have a different attitude for every situation. In the first fifteen seconds for this clip of Gilmore Girls (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C3_NzcpzM_g), when the movie host tells them about their options in picking a movie, for the most part, each character has their own opinion about movies and says completely different comments. If I was in that situation, yes, I would have a preference in the movie we watched, but I probably wouldn't have a sound preference on movies in general. I would like to have my own personality besides just being "nice" to someone when speaking, but I'm not sure what kind of personality I would like to develop or how to smoothly use that personality in a conversation.

Thank you in advance for your help!

[Pseudo Enigma]

tbh I don't think you need to work on your personality. You already seem like a nice bubbly person.

Other than that, I guess you need to work on listening to other people when they are speaking so you can learn what they say to keep things unique. (not saying you don't listen)

[MracY]

Don't try to give advice on people's personalities based on how they appear on internet forums.

[drizzleRomanceGirl]

Originally Posted by Pseudo Enigma

tbh I don't think you need to work on your personality. You already seem like a nice bubbly person.

Other than that, I guess you need to work on listening to other people when they are speaking so you can learn what they say to keep things unique. (not saying you don't listen)

Thank you ^.^, and I'll try to look out for how to keep variety in conversations more often.

[Litodude]

wtf is the problem with pausing to think before you talk?????????????

if it's not sincere, don't say anything; if it is, then speak your mind without hiding behind a facade

[top]

practice makes better

[drizzleRomanceGirl]

Originally Posted by Litodude

wtf is the problem with pausing to think before you talk?????????????

if it's not sincere, don't say anything; if it is, then speak your mind without hiding behind a facade

I think it's fine to pause once in awhile to think about what I'm going to say, but if pauses occur too often, then the conversation will most likely be dropped because the other person will think my frequent pausing is awkward or become bored.

Also, I agree with your second statement completely. ^.^ However, I can still be sincere and add a bigger variety to my personality.

[awein999]

I think it depends who it is you are interacting with, whether you know the person well or not. In my culture at least people tend to "fluff" small talk with people they don't know just because they crossed paths. You aren't satisfied with that and want something more meaningful. I suggest when another situation comes up you let your weird come out because then you can feel interesting. Even if it goes unappreciated it won't for long because life is contagious.

Edit:
So it could be like:
him: Hi, how are you?
you: Instead of saying "good" or "not bad" you reply about something specific that made you feel a certain way, maybe expand a bit on the open ended question.

If it turns out the person is disinterested or didn't want an answer then truly that person shouldn't ask in the first place and that's not your problem.

Having the mindset "let it go" seems to make sense to me.

[XelNya]

Originally Posted by drizzleRomanceGirl

I think it's fine to pause once in awhile to think about what I'm going to say, but if pauses occur too often, then the conversation will most likely be dropped because the other person will think my frequent pausing is awkward or become bored.

You'll have to excuse any shit phrasing here:

A person who really wants to actually talk to you, won't really care if you pause often to sort through thoughts and phrase sentences. It's part of your personality to do that, and that's part of what makes talking to you fun.

Maybe it's just me but it'd be more annoying to watch you force yourself to change to someone you're not naturally. Do what comes naturally, and just try to immerse yourself more often. Talking to people daily helps a lot. Or at least, it did for me.

[top]

Originally Posted by drizzleRomanceGirl

I think it's fine to pause once in awhile to think about what I'm going to say, but if pauses occur too often, then the conversation will most likely be dropped because the other person will think my frequent pausing is awkward or become bored.

Also, I agree with your second statement completely. ^.^ However, I can still be sincere and add a bigger variety to my personality.

you think too much

[RB_Spirit]

Haha i have the same problem, but because i don't want to talk to people.
Seriously though, wear your shoes
You are who you are, don't over think what you're going to say, it should come naturally. [insert big wall of text here]

[Dynam0]

I can understand your mindset for conversing since the small talk stuff seems insignificant at first glance, but you recognize that it really does affect relationships with others. I too dislike small talk with people that I don't know well but it's a good way of gradually revealing your personality to someone rather than jumping into an intimate or serious conversation right away.

The awkward pause issue depends on the situation I guess. If you're at the grocery store and the cashier says something along the lines of, "Hi, nice day isn't it?" the response should be almost instantaneous: "Yeah! Much better than the weather we've had the last few days." The response itself doesn't matter much at all; the cashier will likely not remember what you said at the end of the day but it's how you convey your answer with the tone you use which displays your personality. A pretty good example where small talk is used a lot is when you're getting a haircut. Unless you know your barber/hair stylist quite well, it's pretty much going to be small talk for 15-30 minutes. I'm not a chatty person either so my list of subjects gets exhausted pretty quickly after mundane things but off the top of my head you can talk about the weather (lol), the business of the barber shop, your education/work situation, goings-on in the news/sports world, price of gas (yeah people spend a good chunk of time venting on that one), etc. On the other hand, if you're in a conversation and are on the listening end where there is more dialogue on either side, the pause is important and not awkward because it shows you are listening and digesting what the other person has said.

Oh almost forgot...you can mask the awkward pauses (to some extent) with little gestures like "yeah, well..." in conversation. Seamless witty responses like in Gilmore Girls aren't going to happen realistically because the show is scripted. Authentic replies have a lot of redundant "yeah, umm, and likes"


This post if anything should give you a key personality trait of mine...I'm scatterbrained lmao

[korny]

Be like water my friend

[MracY]

I'll help you and say that you should take any advice given here with a grain of salt, in case you aren't already.
Dynamo's post is filled mostly with shallow nonsense, for example.

[devonin]

you can mask the awkward pauses (to some extent) with little gestures like "yeah, well..." in conversation.

People who fill dead air with "yeah well" and "like" and "fuckin" and "umm" fill me with rage.

[xNiX]

Spending less time on the internet increases your communication skills immensely.

[rushyrulz]

Didn't you already make a thread like this?
EDIT:
http://www.flashflashrevolution.com/...d.php?t=131558

[choof]

Originally Posted by Litodude

wtf is the problem with pausing to think before you talk?????????????

if it's not sincere, don't say anything; if it is, then speak your mind without hiding behind a facade

this definitely creates healthy conversation

[choof]

but then again I really don't see the point of small talk, huge waste of time imo

[Dynam0]

Originally Posted by devonin

People who fill dead air with "yeah well" and "like" and "fuckin" and "umm" fill me with rage.

I agree with this, but the odd "umm" thrown in is better than a thousand-yard stare or awkward smile and roll of the eyes every time you engage in conversation with someone. Profanities thrown intermittently into a sentence is extremely common if you're in a blue collar job btw

@MracY, how is what I said shallow nonsense? This thread is supposed to be giving practical advice in conversation skills...which is damned hard to accomplish in an internet forum rather than in person I might add.