How To Win Any Argument by Dave Barry

[Omeganitros]

I am so using this for Debate class next year.

I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me. You too can win arguments. Simply follow these rules:

* Drink Liquor.

Suppose you're at a party and some hotshot intellectual is expounding on the economy of Peru, a subject you know nothing about. If you're drinking some health-fanatic drink like grapefruit juice, you'll hang back, afraid to display your ignorance, while the hotshot enthralls your date. But if you drink several large martinis, you'll discover you have STRONG VIEWS about the Peruvian economy. You'll be a WEALTH of information. You'll argue forcefully, offering searing insights and possibly upsetting furniture. People will be impressed. Some may leave the room.

* Make things up.

Suppose, in the Peruvian economy argument, you are trying to prove Peruvians are underpaid, a position you base solely on the fact that YOU are underpaid, and you're damned if you're going to let a bunch of Peruvians be better off. DON'T say: ``I think Peruvians are underpaid.'' Say: ``The average Peruvian's salary in 1981 dollars adjusted for the revised tax base is $1,452.81 per annum, which is $836.07 before the mean gross poverty level.''

NOTE: Always make up exact figures.

If an opponent asks you where you got your information, make THAT up, too. Say: ``This information comes from Dr. Hovel T. Moon's study for the Buford Commission published May 9, 1982. Didn't you read it?'' Say this in the same tone of voice you would use to say ``You left your soiled underwear in my bath house.''

* Use meaningless but weightly-sounding words and phrases.

Memorize this list:

o Let me put it this way
o In terms of
o Vis-a-vis
o Per se
o As it were
o Qua
o So to speak

You should also memorize some Latin abbreviations such as ``Q.E.D.,'' ``e.g.,'' and ``i.e.'' These are all short for ``I speak Latin, and you do not.''

Here's how to use these words and phrases. Suppose you want to say: ``Peruvians would like to order appetizers more often, but they don't have enough money.''

You never win arguments talking like that. But you WILL win if you say: ``Let me put it this way. In terms of appetizers vis-a-vis Peruvians qua Peruvians, they would like to order them more often, so to speak, but they do not have enough money per se, as it were. Q.E.D.''

Only a fool would challenge that statement.

* Use snappy and irrelevant comebacks.

You need an arsenal of all-purpose irrelevant phrases to fire back at your opponents when they make valid points. The best are:

o You're begging the question.
o You're being defensive.
o Don't compare apples and oranges.
o What are your parameters?

This last one is especially valuable. Nobody, other than mathematicians, has the vaguest idea what ``parameters'' means.

Here's how to use your comebacks:

o You say: ``As Abraham Lincoln said in 1873...''
Your opponent says: ``Lincoln died in 1865.''
You say: ``You're begging the question.''

OR

o You say: ``Liberians, like most Asians...''
Your opponent says: ``Liberia is in Africa.''
You say: ``You're being defensive.''

* Compare your opponent to Adolf Hitler.

This is your heavy artillery, for when your opponent is obviously right and you are spectacularly wrong. Bring Hitler up subtly. Say: ``That sounds suspiciously like something Adolf Hitler might say'' or ``You certainly do remind me of Adolf Hitler.''

So that's it: you now know how to out-argue anybody. Do not try to pull this on people who generally carry weapons.

[zajac]

On the topic of sounding smart.... Watch the 'architect' talk to Neo in Revolutions.... He says some crazy sh1t..... lol

"Hergoe, vis-a-vis, therefore, henceforce, i concour with my statement that... I win"

Say that to anyone you are argueing with... not only will they looks at you with a strange look, you technically win the arguement because they are the one that walks away first.... lol

[Anticrombie0909]

First of all, it's ergo. Second, it was Reloaded. Third, that scene alone made the movie suck, because it was about at that point the plot started to run rampantly off track.

[evilbutterfly]

I was so confused during that scene. I was still in "Oh boy, fight scene!" mode and I couldn't understand it. I bet if I went back and watched now I'd be like "oooooh, so they were talking, not kicking ass. It all makes sense now!" Oh well, another time.

[Arch0wl]

Now here's a writeup about arguments and respect over the net, since that one covers in person shit. If you ever wanted to know stuff about how I tick then this is a must read.

WINNING ARGUMENTS OVER THE INTERNET 101 BY ARCH0WL

1) Be extremely, extremely arrogant, elitist, and inflate your ego towhere it's so big that you could float on it to Neptune or something.

2) Have a lot of time. If the other person is using the same tactic against you it basically comes down to who is going to crack first, like an interrogation kinda.

3) Treat the other person like they just fucked your girlfriend/boyfriend in your childhood bedroom on your birthday with him/her willingly conforming to it. Basically, respect none of their views. The harsher you can be, the better. A lot of times you can be so harsh that people will literally just quit arguing with you based on the fact that everything you say hurts them or makes them scared of what you say.

4) Be immune to pretty much every verbal type of insult.

5) Be good at denial

6) Be somewhat good at debating, although it is not very important because pretty much nearly all arguments on the net are based on opinion

7) Be good at intimidation

8) Have a lot of friends

9) Have shit on them. Like if it's a game site and you're arguing about the game it helps to be really good at the game, preferrably better than them, or the best. And I like being the best so this is the fun part for me.

10) Have a lot of common sense, and in some cases (more often not though) be good at twisting words around

INTERNET RESPECT 101 BY ARCH0WL

And to be honest.. the way to get respected on a lot of sites, is yes, to be an asshole. I don't know why. But if you expect to be one of the people everyone talks about just by being on a site for a long time, chances are that won't work. There's several ways you can be one of the "vets" or the talked about people which is either becoming a staff member in some way, being really good at the game (if it's a game site or based around a certain game), being good friends with someone higher up (this often rarely works though), being really hot (in a picture of you or something of that sort) or being an asshole.

The thing about being an asshole is that even though you piss a lot of people off, people respect your opinions more. Something about you just makes them want to read more posts by you. You give off this vibe or whatever. Your opinions are worth a lot more. And well, in all my experiences of being on forums no one listens to the people that are like "omg stop fighting!" or "he's just an asshole, ignore him" or "he's just an asshole" in some way. The opinions of assholes are always seen as higher up because it's assumed that they have much more critical tastes. This is often true however, but still.

When you're an asshole, people remember you. Now, I'm not talking about just the small assholes. I'm talking about the big assholes like pre banned first quarter 2003 Arch0wl or VxDx or aperson. Notice how no one really talked about aperson, but then he just totally changed his attitude out of nowhere and now everyone knows who he is? A lot of this came from his stepfiles and stepmania scores, but the way he acts plays a part in it too.

Story time. I played this game called Graal once. Hyro did too. Basically, on the forums, I was a pretty nice guy for awhile. But EVERYONE there tried to be as mean as possible. The game had been out for quite some time, so you got respect on there for being on there for three years, not for a year or whatever. You couldn't really be that good at the game, just rich, so it's not like very many people got recognized.

My first encounter with the asshole persona was when I got into DDR (way before stepmania or anything existed) and I went into #ddrfreak on irc.eggheads.org (yeah, it was around back then). We were having a discussion of IIDX and at the time I had no clue what the game was or how it worked, but I had seen a video of MAX300 at the time (MaxX Unlimited didn't exist) and the song totally freaked me out cause it sounded and looked so fast. Anyway so someone said that and I was like "THAT'S CRAZY" and Sl1p was just like "You're a fucking moron". Well it sounds like nothing right? Well at the time I couldn't believe he said that just over something so trivial and I just wondered how someone could be so harsh. At the time he was like the biggest asshole in the DDR scene so a lot of people were intimidated by him so I searched up his posts. I think now I'm worse than him but to someone that was really new there it really lowered my self esteem at the time to be disliked by everyone so quickly. Now everyone knows who I am but back then (this was more than 2 years ago) I was pretty insecure.

Usually when a person is an asshole it's not so much because they're not a nice guy but rather because they get nowhere socially being a nice guy. Now I know other people can, but I'm saying being a totally nice person doesn't work for everyone. I can be a nice person with everyone IRL and it's fine but for some reason I have trouble always being nice on the net and I'm better at being mean =\

I don't think being an asshole is the way to go with relationships at all, but we're not talking about relationships, we're talking about internet society and the way it works. And if you eventually get enough connections internet society can help you in real society.

[QreepyBORIS]

When I win arguments, I trip people up and tell them they keep contradicting themselves, so they are agreeing with me in the first place. Its like win.

[jewpinthethird]

I usually disagree with people even if I do agree with them...its fun to watch people get so emotional over what move had "Wax on/Wax off" in it.

Ex.

Me: I need to wax my car. What is the best way to do so?

Mom: Like in that movie..."Wax on....Wax Off"...what movie was that?

Me: Hmmm...Back to the Future. (I know its not, but what fun is that?)

Mom: Nooooo...it was the Karate Kid....yeah, that was it.

Me: No way. It was Back to the Future. The Karate Kid sucked....it wouldnt have come from the Karate Kid.

Mom: I am certain it was from Karate Kid....you know, the one with that Asian guy and that kid. (now, they are really flustered.)

Me: No, that was Back to the Future.

[zajac]

Hmmmmm...... It WAS Back To The Future.....

[CypherToorima]

No it wasn't zajac, jees, don't be so stupid hah hah, arch0wls advice is fun