Help with Casual-Conversational Skills

[drizzleRomanceGirl]

Will you please help me learn how to speak in a more friendly and casual manner? (This is more for real-life conversation than online chat, although either kind of help would be greatly appreciated. ) I have both autism spectrum disorder (ASD) and ADD, and although both are relatively minor, they have contributed to my roommates being uncomfortable near me in the past year in college. Today, I asked my roommate to tell me if she felt uncomfortable near me, and she told me that she was because I speak too quickly sometimes, have trouble reading when the person I'm speaking to is done with the conversation (and as a result, I tend to stand there for another ten seconds or so before leaving), and speak in a straightforward and "rule-based" manner. Thank you in advance!

[Untimely Friction]

That's not likely to be something that can be helped online, my roomates and myself as well have a fair host of issues with sociability and we can barely tackle those, I dunno if I can really help you without like... knowing you, erryones different.

[bmah]

Have you practised looking for visual cues in a conversation? It's important to decipher people's facial expressions and hand movements to help get a sense of how to go about characterizing your conversation. It's also important for you to make appropriate visual cues for the other person; for instance, if it's casual and friendly, smile a bit.

There's of course more to it than visual cues, but that'll help at least.

[korny]

Be honest with yourself when trying to be mindful of your thoughts and actions from the perspective of the perceivers. Sometimes we're so focused on what we want to say, and what we feel and think, that we don't allow the other person the same gratuity and hurriedly blurt out what's on our minds. This is where we learn to give the mutual respect that you wish to receive from others. Keep in mind this is a rough diagnosis on my part given the fact that I can't exactly determine how your social interactions pan out, and I am typing from my phone which prevents me from going full throttle in my own way. Hope that helps to some extent.

[Wayward Vagabond]

Start by having some conversations over Skype

Add me I will casually talk the shit out of you

[drizzleRomanceGirl]

Originally Posted by bmah

Have you practised looking for visual cues in a conversation? It's important to decipher people's facial expressions and hand movements to help get a sense of how to go about characterizing your conversation. It's also important for you to make appropriate visual cues for the other person; for instance, if it's casual and friendly, smile a bit.

There's of course more to it than visual cues, but that'll help at least.

I see; I rarely smile with people I don't know very well, so I'll try smiling more often in real life. I think I understand the basics of visual cues, but it's difficult for me to know when to end a conversation without the other person feeling awkward. On a similar note, I do not enjoy casual parties because I'm overwhelmed being in a crowd of many people, and I'm not used to holding conversations longer than five minutes. When I do try to have a conversation for that long, I either barely talk by using short responses, or talk way too much without listening to what the other person has to say.

Originally Posted by korny

Be honest with yourself when trying to be mindful of your thoughts and actions from the perspective of the perceivers. Sometimes we're so focused on what we want to say, and what we feel and think, that we don't allow the other person the same gratuity and hurriedly blurt out what's on our minds. This is where we learn to give the mutual respect that you wish to receive from others. Keep in mind this is a rough diagnosis on my part given the fact that I can't exactly determine how your social interactions pan out, and I am typing from my phone which prevents me from going full throttle in my own way. Hope that helps to some extent.

I see, I do tend to get carried away sometimes and forget to pay attention to how the person I'm talking with is acting. I'll try to work on that.

[Choofers]

add me and I will casually talk the shit out of you

[devonin]

Honestly the thing that helped me the most, was having a roommate who was a total douchebag.

He didn't care at all about being polite or tactful, so if I kept talking on a subject after he was done wanting to listen he would just cut me off and say "Dev, shut up. I don't care." In the end, it actually proved helpful.

Edit: Since I don't actually suggest making friends with a douchebag on account of them being a douchebag, what I -actually- suggest is to try and find one or two of your better friends who are actually willing to put in the work to help you work on it. You need someone who will actually take the time to both stop you right away when you're doing something socially off, and also take the time to explain to you why what you were doing is problematic, and what you might do instead.

It's a lot to ask of someone, and I've actually lost friends to the various issues ASDs have with social interaction, but I've also improved a lot over the past 10 or 15 years.

[drizzleRomanceGirl]

Originally Posted by devonin

Honestly the thing that helped me the most, was having a roommate who was a total douchebag.

He didn't care at all about being polite or tactful, so if I kept talking on a subject after he was done wanting to listen he would just cut me off and say "Dev, shut up. I don't care." In the end, it actually proved helpful.

Edit: Since I don't actually suggest making friends with a douchebag on account of them being a douchebag, what I -actually- suggest is to try and find one or two of your better friends who are actually willing to put in the work to help you work on it. You need someone who will actually take the time to both stop you right away when you're doing something socially off, and also take the time to explain to you why what you were doing is problematic, and what you might do instead.

It's a lot to ask of someone, and I've actually lost friends to the various issues ASDs have with social interaction, but I've also improved a lot over the past 10 or 15 years.

That sounds like a great way to improve on social cues, but part of the problem is that my best friend goes to a different college, and I don't have any friends in the college I attend yet. I am trying to be a lot more sociable by joining some clubs and going to extra-curricular events more often though.

[devonin]

Originally Posted by drizzleRomanceGirl

That sounds like a great way to improve on social cues, but part of the problem is that my best friend goes to a different college, and I don't have any friends in the college I attend yet. I am trying to be a lot more sociable by joining some clubs and going to extra-curricular events more often though.

My strategy has sort of been forced into "Use up all of my energy and social ability to try and make it through the work day, and then when I get home, just shut it all down."

I only have two or three friends that actually live near me anyway. Most of my current friends I made -in- University, and we've since moved to various places which are not the same. Thank heavens for the internet.

[Xiz]

Originally Posted by Wayward Vagabond

Start by having some conversations over Skype

Add me I will casually talk the shit out of you

This.

Start off by just joining one of the FFR team's skype calls and just say hi or something to dive right in. For the most part, everyone is friendly. Besides Fission. Watch out for him. :P

jk love u fission

Whhaaaat? Your one of the nicest people I've ever talked to, though internet-wise, I know you'd be quite similar more locally. Forget your roommate's bullshit, your a sweetheart, and your doing great. bmah made a great point for helping you read people though, just try and get inside their head and feel what their thinking and dispersing. Sometimes I'll be in a conversation and not be listening at all and all of a sudden remember to focus on what bmah described, Try and read them like your understanding them before they even thought of their next sentence, and in-between that, build your next reply to their sentence with how you feel about what the person suggests. idk, I feel kinda socially awkward myself, But as long as people like you and get along well with you, your stirring up a positive social vibe.

[drizzleRomanceGirl]

Originally Posted by Godnick

Whhaaaat? Your one of the nicest people I've ever talked to, though internet-wise, I know you'd be quite similar more locally. Forget your roommate's bullshit, your a sweetheart, and your doing great. bmah made a great point for helping you read people though, just try and get inside their head and feel what their thinking and dispersing. Sometimes I'll be in a conversation and not be listening at all and all of a sudden remember to focus on what bmah described, Try and read them like your understanding them before they even thought of their next sentence, and in-between that, build your next reply to their sentence with how you feel about what the person suggests. idk, I feel kinda socially awkward myself, But as long as people like you and get along well with you, your stirring up a positive social vibe.

Thank you very much! I try to be as friendly as possible, but unfortunately that doesn't help me from being socially awkward. I really would like to learn how to read social cues more easily so that I get along with people and make friends here.

[devonin]

Originally Posted by Godnick

bmah made a great point for helping you read people though, just try and get inside their head and feel what their thinking and dispersing.

When you have basically no working concept of empathy or any ability to predict how people will react to the things you say other than assuming they will react in the same way other people have reacted to it, this is a little easier said than done.

[EzExZeRo7497]

Originally Posted by devonin

My strategy has sort of been forced into "Use up all of my energy and social ability to try and make it through the work day, and then when I get home, just shut it all down."

Yup.

I have the same problems as you do in casual conversation, haha. Along with the fact that I always repeat and talk about the same general topic for a very long time.

2 principles that I've kept in mind, though admittedly, I do have a lot of difficulty following some of this:
1. Visual cues or change in tones. There are a couple of cues that are very obvious. If you're not sure what the person is thinking, try looking at their facial expressions to get an idea of what the person is feeling. It'll be difficult to do for the first few times, but you'll get the hang of it after some attempts. Easier said than done though, I still have a lot of problems with this.

2. Have some empathy. Don't have to be overly concerned about what the person has to say, but think of what you're going to say and how it will affect them. I've offended many people because I didn't really think of what others would feel because of what I would say, but although there are some times that people would be oversensitive and would take offense to what you say (unintentionally, a la misinterpretation, etc.), you should avoid being crude in conversations. Instead of using formal words such as "beckon" or "return", use phrases such as "come back" or "call".

Take my advice with a grain of salt, I'm very asocial and introverted myself, but I've been trying to change a bit just to get along. Hope they help though.

[devonin]

When you have basically no working concept of empathy

2. Have some empathy.

I....see....

[EzExZeRo7497]

Wasn't directed at you. Even then, trying to show empathy is better than just not showing any empathy at all to begin with.

[drizzleRomanceGirl]

Originally Posted by EzExZeRo7497

Yup.

I have the same problems as you do in casual conversation, haha. Along with the fact that I always repeat and talk about the same general topic for a very long time.

2 principles that I've kept in mind, though admittedly, I do have a lot of difficulty following some of this:
1. Visual cues or change in tones. There are a couple of cues that are very obvious. If you're not sure what the person is thinking, try looking at their facial expressions to get an idea of what the person is feeling. It'll be difficult to do for the first few times, but you'll get the hang of it after some attempts. Easier said than done though, I still have a lot of problems with this.

2. Have some empathy. Don't have to be overly concerned about what the person has to say, but think of what you're going to say and how it will affect them. I've offended many people because I didn't really think of what others would feel because of what I would say, but although there are some times that people would be oversensitive and would take offense to what you say (unintentionally, a la misinterpretation, etc.), you should avoid being crude in conversations. Instead of using formal words such as "beckon" or "return", use phrases such as "come back" or "call".

Take my advice with a grain of salt, I'm very asocial and introverted myself, but I've been trying to change a bit just to get along. Hope they help though.

Thank you for your help. I think I have a lot of empathy in conversations, so I mostly need to work on reading social cues.

[bmah]

Originally Posted by devonin

When you have basically no working concept of empathy or any ability to predict how people will react to the things you say other than assuming they will react in the same way other people have reacted to it, this is a little easier said than done.

This is very true. I might also suggest a one-on-one Skype video call, since I suppose such cues and concepts need to be -shown- as opposed to being merely explained.

[Dynam0]

I had a roommate in university who acted very similarly in conversations; he was an incredibly nice guy with a big heart and a good sense of humour. I personally loved talking to him but that wasn't the case with others, simply because he wouldn't hold a conversation the same way some social butterfly would. Finding an end to a convo was difficult for him as well so I would have to give him hints or cues to let him know that we were done talking. I noticed a huge improvement in his ability to engage in social situations throughout the 3 years that I knew him while I was at school though.

I think the biggest help to you would be the understanding social cues point because you can find a way around a conversational barrier regardless of whether or not you have empathy (though empathy helps). I wouldn't beat yourself up over this too much though because as much as my roommate was awkward to chat with sometimes, it's what made him who he was and he was a genuine guy.