A Royal's Blood

**star reaper** · 02-19-2013, 02:22 PM

http://www.wattpad.com/story/3978806-a-royal%27s-blood

Just wanted to know what people think of my story so far. any comments made would be great.

**Cavernio** · 03-3-2013, 12:26 PM

Main character is good, have motivation, we know him a bit as a person, I like that I think at first his dad is disappointed that he is a thief whereas at the end of it the reader realizes he's probably disappointed in him for not excelling at thievery enough.

What I don't like is the way the plot jumps into kidnapping the princess so quickly. Rather, the way the main character jumps towards the idea of kidnapping is really fast, more like the pacing you'd find in a kid's book. Along the same lines, I feel that it's too unrealistic that he didn't know about this party prior to the day of and that the Queen seems to have done little to no planning for a grand party which has posters around.
Some ways around this might be he only just visited the city (probably won't work out for what you have planned unless this is already the case, as then he wouldn't know the layout of the city very well, etc.), or perhaps in his current state of mind, that he wants to impress his father, is the only time he would truly consider something quite so grand.
I almost want to hear about a previous thieving feat he has done (or maybe just done) and you could end it with something saying that when his dad found out he was upset or something.

It's a little implausible that he suddenly sees the Queen walking about, but the way you worded it when he noticed her was that his ears slightly perked up about a very blase conversation. Someone in his position would perk up at the sound of what is probably a commanding or noble sounding inflection or choice of words (theives steal from the rich, so it would be part of his line of his line of work to know the difference between rich and poor).

Where you talk about him being the person to most notice the Queen, of all people, perhaps make note that other people might also be paying attention to her but just not as closely as he. She is a queen afterall, and unless stated otherwise, I at least have expectations of how people react around royalty.

Anyways, just my thoughts about it. An interesting read, good luck with the rest of the story.

02-19-2013, 02:22 PM	#1
star reaper owning ffr since 08 Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: Virginia Age: 31 Posts: 246	A Royal's Blood http://www.wattpad.com/story/3978806-a-royal%27s-blood Just wanted to know what people think of my story so far. any comments made would be great. __________________ FGO AAAs The Adventures Of Lolo, Time to Eye, Sparkle Downer, 11ELEVEN, Ketsarku Mozgalom, honki sentai majirenjaa -MAJI eurobeat version-, Jamais Deux, BEER, Across Rooftops. I Hate the 80s,

03-3-2013, 12:26 PM	#2
Cavernio sunshine and rainbows Join Date: Feb 2006 Age: 41 Posts: 1,987	Re: A Royal's Blood Main character is good, have motivation, we know him a bit as a person, I like that I think at first his dad is disappointed that he is a thief whereas at the end of it the reader realizes he's probably disappointed in him for not excelling at thievery enough. What I don't like is the way the plot jumps into kidnapping the princess so quickly. Rather, the way the main character jumps towards the idea of kidnapping is really fast, more like the pacing you'd find in a kid's book. Along the same lines, I feel that it's too unrealistic that he didn't know about this party prior to the day of and that the Queen seems to have done little to no planning for a grand party which has posters around. Some ways around this might be he only just visited the city (probably won't work out for what you have planned unless this is already the case, as then he wouldn't know the layout of the city very well, etc.), or perhaps in his current state of mind, that he wants to impress his father, is the only time he would truly consider something quite so grand. I almost want to hear about a previous thieving feat he has done (or maybe just done) and you could end it with something saying that when his dad found out he was upset or something. It's a little implausible that he suddenly sees the Queen walking about, but the way you worded it when he noticed her was that his ears slightly perked up about a very blase conversation. Someone in his position would perk up at the sound of what is probably a commanding or noble sounding inflection or choice of words (theives steal from the rich, so it would be part of his line of his line of work to know the difference between rich and poor). Where you talk about him being the person to most notice the Queen, of all people, perhaps make note that other people might also be paying attention to her but just not as closely as he. She is a queen afterall, and unless stated otherwise, I at least have expectations of how people react around royalty. Anyways, just my thoughts about it. An interesting read, good luck with the rest of the story.

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