Help with Understanding How I would Respond in Any Given Conversation

[Litodude]

literally just shut the hell up otherwise you sound retarded and incompetent trying to fill in those absences of sound with hesitant language of "uh, uhm, well.., etc.," or using overly generalized tropes when you're trying to keep talking for no reason at all

pausing for too long should be the last of your worries: it can be seen as a specific prosodic style of conversing and indicates that you are careful with what you say. you shouldn't worry that others might think you take too long on your responses. it's natural to speak quickly as possible because that's just the normal rate of conversation in the states, but it often leads to misspoken accidents, a clear indication of idiocy, or a sign of impatience. there's a delicate balance of being able to make your words mean something as well as being heard.

suck my dick choof yeaaaaaaaaaaa

[Pseudo Enigma]

Originally Posted by MracY

I'll help you and say that you should take any advice given here with a grain of salt, in case you aren't already.
Dynamo's post is filled mostly with shallow nonsense, for example.

lmao get the fuck out.

When people don't use the "ummm" set of words it makes them seem more composed and confident. I'm more likely to trust what they are saying.

I think one thing to keep things interesting in conversations is to tell your little critic demon on your shoulder to step off. If you say what comes to mind and don't let what-ifs/repercussions get in the way, sometimes you learn something new about yourself and the person you're talking to. Sometimes it might even lead to an awesome conversation!

[drizzleRomanceGirl]

Originally Posted by awein999

I think it depends who it is you are interacting with, whether you know the person well or not. In my culture at least people tend to "fluff" small talk with people they don't know just because they crossed paths. You aren't satisfied with that and want something more meaningful. I suggest when another situation comes up you let your weird come out because then you can feel interesting. Even if it goes unappreciated it won't for long because life is contagious.



Edit:
So it could be like:
him: Hi, how are you?
you: Instead of saying "good" or "not bad" you reply about something specific that made you feel a certain way, maybe expand a bit on the open ended question.

If it turns out the person is disinterested or didn't want an answer then truly that person shouldn't ask in the first place and that's not your problem.

Having the mindset "let it go" seems to make sense to me.

Thank you, this can help me open up my personality by explaining how my day was. ^.^ I'll try to elaborate on questions in "small talk" (without spending too much time talking about myself).

Originally Posted by XelNya

You'll have to excuse any shit phrasing here:

A person who really wants to actually talk to you, won't really care if you pause often to sort through thoughts and phrase sentences. It's part of your personality to do that, and that's part of what makes talking to you fun.

Maybe it's just me but it'd be more annoying to watch you force yourself to change to someone you're not naturally. Do what comes naturally, and just try to immerse yourself more often. Talking to people daily helps a lot. Or at least, it did for me.

I agree that pausing in a conversation can be part of my personality because I can think about what I would like to say, but I would also like to have an idea on what to say in general so that I have an idea on how to respond. I feel like I only say nice things in a conversation, but I would like to respond in a certain way that brings out more of my personality than just being kind.

I would love to talk with people daily, but right now I live in a college dorm where my roommates usually don't talk with me other then saying short greetings. My best friend went to another college, so right now I don't have anyone I talk with regularly. Hopefully I'll be able to make at least one good friend soon.

Originally Posted by RB_Spirit

Haha i have the same problem, but because i don't want to talk to people.
Seriously though, wear your shoes
You are who you are, don't over think what you're going to say, it should come naturally. [insert big wall of text here]

Thank you, I agree to an extent, but I would like to have some sort of mindset on how to reply other than just being kind. I tend to get bored of talking with strangers a lot because I only reply with encouragement and kindness, and I don't offer my own opinions or way of thinking.

Originally Posted by Dynam0

I can understand your mindset for conversing since the small talk stuff seems insignificant at first glance, but you recognize that it really does affect relationships with others. I too dislike small talk with people that I don't know well but it's a good way of gradually revealing your personality to someone rather than jumping into an intimate or serious conversation right away.

The awkward pause issue depends on the situation I guess. If you're at the grocery store and the cashier says something along the lines of, "Hi, nice day isn't it?" the response should be almost instantaneous: "Yeah! Much better than the weather we've had the last few days." The response itself doesn't matter much at all; the cashier will likely not remember what you said at the end of the day but it's how you convey your answer with the tone you use which displays your personality. A pretty good example where small talk is used a lot is when you're getting a haircut. Unless you know your barber/hair stylist quite well, it's pretty much going to be small talk for 15-30 minutes. I'm not a chatty person either so my list of subjects gets exhausted pretty quickly after mundane things but off the top of my head you can talk about the weather (lol), the business of the barber shop, your education/work situation, goings-on in the news/sports world, price of gas (yeah people spend a good chunk of time venting on that one), etc. On the other hand, if you're in a conversation and are on the listening end where there is more dialogue on either side, the pause is important and not awkward because it shows you are listening and digesting what the other person has said.

Oh almost forgot...you can mask the awkward pauses (to some extent) with little gestures like "yeah, well..." in conversation. Seamless witty responses like in Gilmore Girls aren't going to happen realistically because the show is scripted. Authentic replies have a lot of redundant "yeah, umm, and likes"


This post if anything should give you a key personality trait of mine...I'm scatterbrained lmao

The issue is that I would like to find small talk interesting by showing my own personality. If I get bored with small talk, it'll lead me to become more reclusive and avoid talking with strangers altogether (unless I have something to say in particular).

In terms of small talk, I would like to offer more to say than I think the weather is nice or I'm feeling well, but I'm not sure what I would say to elaborate. When I mentioned pausing in a conversation, I meant pausing during my turn to speak after I listen to my conversation partner. Maybe during pauses I could say "please give me a little awhile to think of a response", but I really would like to have an idea of what I would like to say more often so I can develop my personality. Thank you for your advice.

Originally Posted by MracY

I'll help you and say that you should take any advice given here with a grain of salt, in case you aren't already.
Dynamo's post is filled mostly with shallow nonsense, for example.

I am taking everyone's advice with a grain of salt and applying it to how it would play out in a real-life situation, but I also would like to give everyone's advice a chance so that I can better understand what does and doesn't apply to me and work on what I think works for me. I think Dynam0 has some great points. ^.^

Originally Posted by xNiX

Spending less time on the internet increases your communication skills immensely.

I agree, but I'm not necessarily trying to improve my communication skills. I'm trying to develop my personality so that I have more of an idea of how to respond to small talk and conversations in general. I would like a starting point of how to develop my way of responding so I know where I would like to improve in a conversation.

Originally Posted by rushyrulz

Didn't you already make a thread like this?
EDIT:
http://www.flashflashrevolution.com/...d.php?t=131558

It's similar, but that thread was about being friendlier and smoother when speaking, and this thread is about developing my personality rather than only being kind, and having an idea of how to respond in small talk situations. ^.^

Originally Posted by Dynam0

I agree with this, but the odd "umm" thrown in is better than a thousand-yard stare or awkward smile and roll of the eyes every time you engage in conversation with someone. Profanities thrown intermittently into a sentence is extremely common if you're in a blue collar job btw

I would rather say something other than umm or like when pausing to think about how to respond, so maybe I could tell the other person to wait for a little while if I'm not sure what to say.

Originally Posted by Litodude

literally just shut the hell up otherwise you sound retarded and incompetent trying to fill in those absences of sound with hesitant language of "uh, uhm, well.., etc.," or using overly generalized tropes when you're trying to keep talking for no reason at all

pausing for too long should be the last of your worries: it can be seen as a specific prosodic style of conversing and indicates that you are careful with what you say. you shouldn't worry that others might think you take too long on your responses. it's natural to speak quickly as possible because that's just the normal rate of conversation in the states, but it often leads to misspoken accidents, a clear indication of idiocy, or a sign of impatience. there's a delicate balance of being able to make your words mean something as well as being heard.

I agree that pausing is a good way to give the other person a good impression that I'm careful when speaking, but when I do respond after pausing, I would like to have an idea of how to respond besides just stating my opinion. I would like to have an idea of how I respond when stating my own opinions besides having an idea of how I feel about the subject. I'd like to focus on how I say something, not what I would say.

*edit* I hope I don't sound harsh when addressing everyone's advice; thank you for your advice, everyone. I appreciate what everyone is telling me.

[Litodude]

no, i've understood your concern about knowing 'what to say' but i was primarily addressing your concern about prosody. you know how to learn what to say in given situations? Read more. Rofl

[choof]

Originally Posted by Litodude

suck my dick choof yeaaaaaaaaaaa

no u

[drizzleRomanceGirl]

Originally Posted by Litodude

no, i've understood your concern about knowing 'what to say' but i was primarily addressing your concern about prosody. you know how to learn what to say in given situations? Read more. Rofl

I can read as much as I would like but I would rather not copy someone else's manner of speaking; I would like to develop my own.

[Pseudo Enigma]

Originally Posted by drizzleRomanceGirl

I can read as much as I would like but I would rather not copy someone else's manner of speaking; I would like to develop my own.

everything is a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy.

[drizzleRomanceGirl]

Originally Posted by Pseudo Enigma

everything is a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy.

Yes, but it's one thing to copy different manners of speech to create one original way of speaking, and it's another to completely copy a single person's manner of speech.

[Pseudo Enigma]

Originally Posted by drizzleRomanceGirl

Yes, but it's one thing to copy different manners of speech to create one original way of speaking, and it's another to completely copy a single person's manner of speech.

true, do you not find that if you hang out with a person you like, you start talking and behaving similarly to them? It's a passive thing people do to learn to be more like what they like. It's copying, but it's subconscious for the most part!

I don't see much shame in it. Granted, I don't do it on purpose ever. I guess it would be like if I started making my profiles to look exactly like Evnoir's or WolfXHunter's. lol

[drizzleRomanceGirl]

Originally Posted by Pseudo Enigma

true, do you not find that if you hang out with a person you like, you start talking and behaving similarly to them? It's a passive thing people do to learn to be more like what they like. It's copying, but it's subconscious for the most part!

I don't see much shame in it. Granted, I don't do it on purpose ever. I guess it would be like if I started making my profiles to look exactly like Evnoir's or WolfXHunter's. lol

Yeah, but if it's unconscious I think that we would combine it with how we already act. However, if we consciously try to copy a person's manner of speech, I think we'll imitate it instead of integrating it with how we already speak.

[Pseudo Enigma]

Hmm, well then don't actively do it. Try putting yourself around different people (yeah I said make some new friends! Awesome!) and see if you change in a good way. You might be able to start acting more spontaneous if you put yourself around people who accept that in you more so than your current friends (since it sounds like you might be having a problem with it.)

ie. move out of your comfort zone a bit more.

[drizzleRomanceGirl]

Originally Posted by Pseudo Enigma

Hmm, well then don't actively do it. Try putting yourself around different people (yeah I said make some new friends! Awesome!) and see if you change in a good way. You might be able to start acting more spontaneous if you put yourself around people who accept that in you more so than your current friends (since it sounds like you might be having a problem with it.)

ie. move out of your comfort zone a bit more.

Thank you, I'll try that. I don't have any friends who I see regularly though, so hopefully I'll be able to develop a good friendship with at least one person on campus.

However, I don't think that'll help develop my own personality very much. D:

[reuben_tate]

Originally Posted by devonin

People who fill dead air with "yeah well" and "like" and "fuckin" and "umm" fill me with rage.

So what is the best way to fill dead air?

[Litodude]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qgmSw-T6Qs4

[devonin]

Originally Posted by reuben_tate

So what is the best way to fill dead air?

What makes you think it needs to be filled?

[Emanresu13]

do anything anyhow you want

talk to people, don't, be silent and stare, at them, the floor, say umm, do whatever, it doesn't matter

you're cool and fine the way you are, and you can change yourself or not, just roll with what life gives you

[drizzleRomanceGirl]

Originally Posted by Emanresu13

do anything anyhow you want

talk to people, don't, be silent and stare, at them, the floor, say umm, do whatever, it doesn't matter

you're cool and fine the way you are, and you can change yourself or not, just roll with what life gives you

Thank you, I agree. I'll try to be myself. ^.^

[XelNya]

Originally Posted by drizzleRomanceGirl

I would love to talk with people daily, but right now I live in a college dorm where my roommates usually don't talk with me other then saying short greetings. My best friend went to another college, so right now I don't have anyone I talk with regularly. Hopefully I'll be able to make at least one good friend soon.

This depends. You do have an entire internet to communicate with in place till you can find some good friends in person.

The internet while not a permanent substitute is a great place to do this, assuming you can find the right people. I'd be so socially withdrawn if the internet was not here. Even then though I'm still extremely confused myself about a lot of social norms and such.

And I understand you might feel it's not the same, with video feeds and microphones it doesn't change the main way you can communicate. It's pretty much like interactions with people in a game with a handicap of sorts? hard to explain this without sounding like a douche.

[drizzleRomanceGirl]

Originally Posted by XelNya

This depends. You do have an entire internet to communicate with in place till you can find some good friends in person.

The internet while not a permanent substitute is a great place to do this, assuming you can find the right people. I'd be so socially withdrawn if the internet was not here. Even then though I'm still extremely confused myself about a lot of social norms and such.

And I understand you might feel it's not the same, with video feeds and microphones it doesn't change the main way you can communicate. It's pretty much like interactions with people in a game with a handicap of sorts? hard to explain this without sounding like a douche.

Yeah, the internet is a good way to open up and be yourself. However I almost never use phone calls or video chat online, so it can't be considered sufficient practice for conversations. >.<

[MracY]

Originally Posted by Dynam0

@MracY, how is what I said shallow nonsense? This thread is supposed to be giving practical advice in conversation skills...which is damned hard to accomplish in an internet forum rather than in person I might add.

What you said is shallow nonsense because small talk is just a pretence in which you destroy your personality.
It only aids in conversation on a practical level. It's not something to be given as advice to someone struggling in conversation.

I don't want to go in-depth about what makes a personality. But if you want to, you can think deeply about that yourself and then look at your post.
You should quickly see what's wrong with it.