Burnt Feathers.

[la]

Kay, this is a work in progress. I just wrote this and it needs alot of work, so comments and critism are much appreciated. I'll post more as I write it. (Don't expect them one after another)

Prologue

A harsh gust of wind rattled through the trees the dawn of October 25th; a consoling wind that whispered sweet nothings into the ears of mourners. To Ayame, however, it told a different tale, a tale of things to come, of anticipation. This was the beginning of a new chapter of her life. Today, October 25th, was her fathers funeral. He had been found a week ago at their cozy cypress home, his spinal cord broken in two. Not a fingerprint or weapon could be found anywhere. Nothing in the house was unusual.
“Except for my father’s dead body,” She thought to herself. “Cops are useless.”
Ayame had gotten out of bed that morning with some reluctance. The last thing she wanted to do was attend a funeral, since it only made losing him harder. Now that he was gone, Ayame had no one. Her mother had killed herself eight years ago, Ayame had been 10 years old at the time, and her big sister, Aki, at age 17, had run away only a month later. Of course, Aki had returned 5 years ago, but the three years she was gone had added a huge emotional distance between the two siblings. When Ayame had felt abandoned, her father was there for her, to tell her otherwise. He had taught her to be herself and follow her heart, no matter what anyone else said. She would need that lesson most of all right now. Her family was pressuring her into college, into things she didn’t want. Since she had graduated high school with honors, it apparently meant if she wanted to be anything other than the president or a scientist, it was a waste of her mind. Still, she couldn’t lose sight of herself and her wants. She would have to be strong; for her father.
Now it was the time of the funeral. They were a little outside of Cypress, now, a wide field in the countryside of Texas. Trees surrounded them in all directions and a small lake, her father’s favorite fishing spot, stretched out behind the podium. Standing beside the podium was a short, chubby man with a rosy face. He was waiting for the seats, metal foldable chairs, to be filled before he began the service. Before him was a silver jar, filled with her father’s ashes, soon to be scattered into the lake beyond. He had made no will, but everyone agreed that this was how he would’ve wanted it.
Aki sat down next to Ayame several minutes before the preacher would start the service. She was wearing a black dress that stopped at her knees and had thick straps, along with a black veil and black high heels. Her hay blonde hair was pulled back into loose bun. She looked stunning compared to Ayame who had only an old sleeved dress that was much too long for her, thrown together with her favorite combat boots; Her short black hair was limp, partly covering her face. Since Aki was a journalist, she always looked professional and organized, much unlike the goal-less Ayame’s clumsy awkwardness. Sometimes, it was hard to believe they were even sisters.
Looking over at Ayame, Aki whispered solemnly to her sibling, “How’re you holding up?”
“Our father is dead.” Ayame responded swiftly, keeping her eyes focused on the preacher. She didn’t want to cry in public.
Aki was quiet for a moment, and then changed the subject, “So where are you staying?”
“Grandma and Grandpa’s,” Ayame said with a sigh. She hated it there. They didn’t know anything about her, and their house smelt like kitty litter.
“Oh, because I was thinking…maybe, you could stay with me?” Aki didn’t leave room for her sister to answer, instead trying to persuade her to agree. “I mean, I have this huge apartment, and I’d really like to have company. You wouldn’t have to do anything, just whatever you want and…”
Ayame interrupted “Aki…” But before Ayame could go on any further, the preacher began the service.
In Ayame’s opinion, the service was filled with nothing but gaping mouths and empty minds. People who had no idea what her father was like at all. “Pandora”, they called him. Anyone who had ever spent five minutes with the man would’ve known he preferred to be called “Panda”. She regretted even coming. She skipped out on throwing his ashes into the lake and instead stayed settled into her same seat, reminiscing about her father. Aki didn’t move either. Ayame knew she was crying.
Suddenly, her sister grabbed Ayame’s arm, pulling her so that they faced each other. Tears were spilling over Aki’s soft dark-blue eyes, the green tinge in them more bright than ever. “Please come with me, Ayaa. It’s a sad feeling…when you’re alone.”
For a split second Ayame felt once again connected with her sister. A tear rolled down her face and she nodded while wiping it quickly away. “Okay, I’ll come.” Aki pulled Ayame into an embrace, and like that they stayed, for a time neither could measure.

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I know it's short, but I spent like two hours on it. >< Anyways...that's all for now.

EDIT: added something to it.

[44r0n]

c'est moi, Aaron.

Really nice, I must say. You said it was bad but it's really not at all. I love it. But nothing comes of good comments, the only time we learn anything is if it comes from people telling us what we did wrong. I'm not an english teacher though, or english major for that matter so I'm afraid I cannot say much. Reading this reminded me of reading some other book....that I cant....remember....the name of...right now, but I'll remember and tell you! It was a good book. As will yours be. It's not perfect, no, but I'm not sure what exactly can be better...Sorry
Looks good so far! <3 Your writing.

[Newbified]

Very very nice. It was quite an exemplary piece of work, for a writing that short anyway. The only thing I can say is.....PLEASE WRITE MORE!
<3333

[Tibs]

Comma overkill tbh

[la]

Yea, I over use commas sometimes. >< Maybe I'll tone it down when I revise later on. What does "Tbh" mean, though? o_o Anyways, I don't know when I'll write the first chapter. Hopefully sometime soon. Kay, thank you all. ^^

[Tibs]

tbh = to be honest

[anime_gal_13]

yo, savy i need to ask you a question!! XD Can you give me the sketches for burnt feathers?..cuz, idk how the characters look like and i want to start the drawings...so, yah....SEND ME DAH SKETCHES!!!!...plz?? =D
TTYL.. BUHBYE XP
-jane, jae jae, or anime gal =D