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Old 09-21-2005, 12:19 AM   #1
MalReynolds
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Default The Official Guide to Girls! (WARNING: MATURE CONTENT)

Okay, this is another work in progress. It's totally misogynist and written for adults, so be warned.

-

I've spent the majority of my life as a male. In fact, all of it. From the second I was born, to the second I write this, I am a man through and through. Now, I know what you're thinking (cause I'm a fucking physic, that's why): Sixteen. That wonderfully awkward age between fifteen and seventeen. Fifteen, as you may remember, is that horribly awkward age between fourteen and sixteen, while seventeen is that awful age between sixteen and eighteen. Most of the years after age nine can be classified in such terms: e.g.: the horrible age between 'INSERT PREVIOUS YEAR HERE" and "INSERT NEXT YEAR HERE".
. And what, you ask, makes these years so horrible? The answer can be divided into two solutions: Women, puberty (although that only covers a brief period, unless you're graced with acne, then it's a horrible reminder until you're about sixty), and social acceptance. Now, some main problems with social acceptance is the fact that school, both private and public, can be divided into "the cool kids" (the kids that wear the right clothes, have sex at the ripe age of seven [or so they say], drink, and the good die young) and the "not cool kids" (the group that the cool kids throw paper/pens/wrenches/flaming poodles at). And while you can be the coolest, most accepted kid in the not cool crowd, you're still fucked over for the rest of your life because of that acne and the horrible wrench scar on your face.
. Puberty is another thing that isn't too terrible. Two or three weeks of your voice cracking, acne (as mentioned before), and for men, the first sighting of hair in odd places. And they're really not that odd. Everyone makes it out to be so bad, but when you first get it it's like, "That's it? I was expecting hair on my eyes or under my thumbs or in my blood that leaks from the inevitable 'wrenching'". But I digress, puberty is merely the phase that serves to deliver and weed out the cool kids from the not cool kids.
Horrible wrenchings, weren't they?
. Anyways, if the subject of this book were puberty or social acceptance, then I would have spent a hell of a lot more time talking about them. Now, they do play a large part of what exactly happens for you and your love life, but the focus of this is going to be mainly about women. That's right, men, the bane of one's existence (unless you are gay, in which case women are only a nuisance if their gaydar is broken, or if they're from any sect of church, in which case they will attempt to hang you or set your poodle on fire and throw it at the not cool kids) for many, many, many, many, many years. Many, many years. Many, many, years. Many. years. Many. Many. Many years.
. Now that that point is out of the way, this is pretty much going to be outlined in the book.
. Section 1: Birth. Not childbirth, you dope. I'm in High school. I can't very well write a chunk of that, now can I? This section is pretty much about how the shifts are made from gender to gender, and why women (in this stage, called girls) confuse men (in this stage, called men).
. Section 2: Childhood. The wonderful years where girls and boys get along together well, sharing, playing doctor, (unless you're me, in which case you live in a neighborhood where there are no girls, which makes the first time you see one naked a TOTAL FUCKING SHOCK), having picnics and play marriages, which usually end up shittily, with your wife running off with the boy that has the biggest frog or something. That's pretty much how marriage works these days, isn't it?
. Section 3: Pre-teen (tween). Now, tween is the most annoying fucking word ever, so I will never us it again. This section will detail how the rift grows between the boys and girls, launching into the early stages of the rift, or what I call "the rift".
. Section 4: Teens: Here's where it gets as confusing as hell. The girls which you used to picnic with now hate you, cause you have that horrible flaming poodle scar, and now they wear make up and shit even though it almost does nothing visible, unless they're taking the hypocrite route and covering up that shameful wrench scar.
. Section 5: Adulthood, or what I call WILD ASSUMPTIONS CAUSE I'M NOT A FUCKING ADULT YET! This section will detail how easy it is to grow up and magically attract women twenty years younger than you, the ability to divorce your wife for her, and the ability for women to run off with rich dentists named Bob and open in account in the Caymans and drain all your fucking funds before anyone finds out. The long and the short of this section will be the heaven you reach when you become of age (twenty, fuck eighteen. It still hast he word 'teen' in it.)

Section 1

. Chapter 1

. Babies, and where they come from

. For the longest time, I was raised to believe that babies come from a magic fairy land where the storks mated and had some sort of crazy assed stork-baby, which was then used for slave purposes, planting baby seeds in the ground, where the fresh babies would be harvested and the weak babies would be sold to the slurry factories to be food for the crazy stork slave masters.
. When I was seven, a child on the playground told me how it actually happened, and my response can pretty much can be summed up as "IT GOES IN WHERE?"
. Since that day, I had officially been scarred, not just by the horrible, gut wrenching information, but also the huge burn mark on my face that my first "poodeling" had garnered.
. Then, as I got older and went through more school, I learned about complex things such as chromosomes and molecules and other advanced doo- dads of the genetic world. If my middle school biology course has taught me anything, it's that there is an assload of information to learn.
. But I also learned that the sex of a child is decided by chromosomes, which are these crazy go wacky "X" "Y" things that are input into each child and serve as a basic blue print for life, deciding many things, from which hand they use to if they use their left or right hand for primary motor skills.
. During a recent phone interview with Dr. Ian Carr, we determined which chromosomes represented each sex. The transcript is as follows:

Michael: Which chromosomes represent which sex?

Dr. Carr: X is male and Y is female. I hope.

Michael: Tough shit, it's in the book now.

Dr. Carr: Haha, is that it or not?

Michael: I have no fucking idea, doctor.

Dr. Carr: Well, X just seems like it'd be masculine for some reason.

Operator: You have thirty seconds left on your phone card.

. And sure as snow falls from the sky on cold days when it's humid enough in the cumulo-stratus clouds, thirty seconds later I got disconnected. From that misadventure, I learned that I really needed a new doctor, and that the X chromosome represents males and that the Y represents females.
. This explains a bit. The X is much more balanced and symmetrical, reasonable and in no way faulty. One might say. perfect. The Y on the other hand is not balanced, full of questions like "Does this dress make my butt look big?" and "Do these earrings go with these shoes?" among others. Those questions are known to men as "unanswerable", because no matter what, they will delay your date for another twenty to thirty minutes.
. Now, for censorship reasons, childbirth can be summed up as some sort of crazy water slide, but instead of water, amniotic fluid, and instead of a slide, a vagina. The wait to use the slide is around nine months, depending on certain variables. Who knows, maybe the jerk-ass in front of you cuts out early and you get to ride a month ahead of time. Or maybe the jerk-ass just sits and musters up the courage, in which case you're like me, born the ripe age of three.
. In either case, being born is like most other water slides, filled with gasping for air, screaming, crying, pain, tearing, and eventually the cutting of the umbilical cord by some strange man in white.
. Depending on whether or not you were graced with an X chromosome, you will be born a MAN, automatically getting a fantabulous job in the workplace, a fast car, and a Swingline stapler.
. If you were born with the burden of a Y chromosome, you are born a girl, with a dress that makes your butt look fat and earrings that don't really go with the shoes BUT WHO THE HELL CARES ABOUT THE DAMN EARRINGS?
. With this, you are launched into the world. Now, as a baby I was a man. And it was pretty intense. I remember eating a lot, and then throwing up a lot. And then eating some more, and then throwing up. When you get older, this is actually called "bulimia", but when you're a kid, it helps you naturally keep your svelte shape.
. The menu choice as a child is a little limited, and consists of milk. Lots of milk. I hate milk. One time, this milk truck came careening down a hill and hit a bus full of blind nuns. They were on their way to the nunnery to do good deeds, no doubt!
. If you'll excuse me, I have some more questions for Doctor Carr, so I'm going to buy another phone card.

-

I realize that thusfar it's very factually inaccurate, but deal. It's a comedy piece.

Mal
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Old 09-21-2005, 12:30 AM   #2
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Default RE: The Official Guide to Girls! (WARNING: MATURE CONTENT)

only from you....nice job so far
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Old 09-21-2005, 01:27 AM   #3
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Default RE: The Official Guide to Girls! (WARNING: MATURE CONTENT)

I laughed out loud more than once, and will patiently wait for more.
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Old 09-21-2005, 01:42 AM   #4
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Default RE: The Official Guide to Girls! (WARNING: MATURE CONTENT)

Quote:
and the good die young
I love it.

Quote:
The X is much more balanced and symmetrical, reasonable and in no way faulty. One might say. perfect. The Y on the other hand is not balanced, full of questions like "Does this dress make my butt look big?" and "Do these earrings go with these shoes?" among others.
Grand....ever so grand.
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Old 09-21-2005, 07:40 AM   #5
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Default Re: The Official Guide to Girls! (WARNING: MATURE CONTENT)

Quote:
Originally Posted by MalReynolds
flaming poodles
Hawt.
Just hawt.
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Old 09-21-2005, 01:03 PM   #6
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Quote:
and for men, the first sighting of hair in odd places.
For women, too, hun.

I nearly died when I read your explanation of X and Y chromosomes. Good for you.
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Old 09-21-2005, 04:25 PM   #7
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Nearly impossible to wrench me away from it.

Haha, I made a funny!

Seriously, though. It was funny the first time. Then I wanted to shoot you for overdoing the joke. It really only made me chuckle once, too. I mean, the rest of it was rather boring. Needs some serious tweaking.

Q
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Old 09-21-2005, 04:49 PM   #8
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That was the funniest thing I have experienced today.
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Quote:
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My method of making love is quite different than you might expect. I prefer to find a girl taking a nap at the local preschool, and then make love to them as they scream in my large, sound-proofed, white van. I then make love on their face, and throw them in an ice-chest of bleach. For pillow talk, I usually say, "Your parents can't hear you," and keep their teddy bear as a momento. You could call me a hopeless romantic, I guess.
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Old 09-21-2005, 04:55 PM   #9
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Made me smile, but I think it needs less skewed fact and more comedy.

Good job nonetheless.
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Old 09-21-2005, 05:32 PM   #10
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I gotta go with Q on this... decent idea, strong potential... but, way too much wrench and poodle. It got old. Fast. Try getting more different lines in there instead of re-using the same stale one over and over again.
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Old 09-21-2005, 07:37 PM   #11
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Default RE: The Official Guide to Girls! (WARNING: MATURE CONTENT)

I think...

Males are nursed more.
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בקצה השמיים, ובסוף המדבר, יש מקום רחוק מלא פרחי בר
מקום קטן, עלוב ומשוגע, מקום רחוק מקום לדאגה
יש אומרים שם שמשיקרה וחושבים אל כל מה שקרה
אלוהים שם יושב ורואה ושומר אל כל משברא
אסור לקטוף את פרחי הגן
אסור לקטוף את פרחי הגן
ודואג ודואג נורא
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Old 09-21-2005, 07:48 PM   #12
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Default RE: The Official Guide to Girls! (WARNING: MATURE CONTENT)

I do have to say, the flaming poodle part was a bit overused. The great thing about your guide so far is that a lot of parts I am able to relate. But having a flaming poodle thrown at me...I can't. Unless the flaming poodle thing is an inside joke, I still can't relate, but it is justified.
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Old 09-21-2005, 08:15 PM   #13
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Default RE: The Official Guide to Girls! (WARNING: MATURE CONTENT)

Quote:
. Now, for censorship reasons, childbirth can be summed up as some sort of crazy water slide, but instead of water, amniotic fluid, and instead of a slide, a vagina.
So much for censorship :P

Quote:
Now, some main problems with social acceptance is the fact that school, both private and public, can be divided into "the cool kids" (the kids that wear the right clothes, have sex at the ripe age of seven [or so they say], drink, and the good die young)
I had some kid who claimed he had sex when he was 12 (How gullible and ignorant do you think I am, mister whore?). I pissed him off by calling him a couple names about his poor mentality (oh the irony) one day and before I knew it he was not even 2 feet in front of me missing punches (2 feet and you can't hit a fucking nerd who doesn't know any martial arts? Never knew it was possible) and crying his eyes out. To think he is that "tough guy" he makes his poor self-esteem believe. Supposively when he moved a lot of my friends (non-nerd friends as well) hated him. Who knew.

Wow.... (I'm using parenthesis a lot.)
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Old 09-21-2005, 10:07 PM   #14
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Meh. Grinned once. And that was only because I didn't read the line correctly. I thought it was you telling the doctor that you only have 30 seconds left on your phone card. That made me grin. I'd of put this in the chit chat...but, again, 'meh'.
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Old 09-21-2005, 10:20 PM   #15
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Well, this is the first of my works to have actually garnered a lot of response. Most times I get three or four people, but now that they don't like it, people just come running out. Funny how that works. At least now I can assume all of the anonymous views on my other works were positive in sentiment.

Mal
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"Readers who prefer tension and romance, Maledictions: The Offering, delivers... As serious YA fiction, I’ll give it five stars out of five. As a novel? Four and a half." - Liz Ellor


My new novel:

Maledictions: The Offering.

Now in Paperback!
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Old 09-21-2005, 10:44 PM   #16
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I think acne is attractive.
Anyways, pretty good concept, but like most people said, don't overuse the same line.
Needs some tweaks hurr and thurr though.
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Old 09-21-2005, 11:20 PM   #17
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Don't give yourself too much credit Mal, I haven't read any of your other stories yet Although seriously, you obviously have some talent, so if you want to link me to them I'd love to check them out.
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Old 09-21-2005, 11:58 PM   #18
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This story will never get finished.
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ARE YOU HOMOSEXUAL?


I THINK SO
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Old 09-22-2005, 12:15 AM   #19
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Haha, Varia is right. It's been panned throughout and I wrote it... Oh, two years ago. So, yeah. There's a good chance addendums will never get made.

Mal
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"Readers who prefer tension and romance, Maledictions: The Offering, delivers... As serious YA fiction, I’ll give it five stars out of five. As a novel? Four and a half." - Liz Ellor


My new novel:

Maledictions: The Offering.

Now in Paperback!
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Old 09-22-2005, 12:36 AM   #20
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i would totally but it if you made it into a book.
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