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CHOCK FULL O' NUTRIENTS
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Give it a read, tell me what you think.
------------------ 7:21 AM, Pacific. Los Angeles, California. The warning bell rang, and Gideon grabbed his book bag from the table. He was eager to get to class, not just because it was Science, but because if he got another tardy it would mean Saturday detention. Saturday detention is not something Gideon wanted, and he quickened his pace. 8:21 AM, Mountain. Johnson City, Colorado Eugene slid the note over to the teller, who unfolded it. “All the money from the drawers, don’t sound any alarms, I have men outside waiting, and I have a gun.” Eugene smiled as a look of shock spread over the now panicked teller. She reached under the counter, grabbed a bag and sounded the silent alarm. 9:21 AM, Central. Dallas, Texas. Her eyes open and slowly adjusted to the light. She rolled over to an empty bed, but this was expected. John always had work early. Amanda slowly clamored out of bed, and ambled to the kitchen. She opened the fridge, picked up the milk, and took a swig from the carton. 10:21 AM, East Coast. Bangor, Maine. “Call it,” Doctor Velasquez said, out of breath. “Time of death, 7:21,” Doctor Anderson said, glancing at the clock. The nurse removed her glove and rolled the sheet over the body. It was a short trip to the morgue, but she knew that this wouldn’t fair well for Anderson. “This is the tenth on this week, Anderson.” “I know…” “You’re going to be up in front of the medical review board tomorrow.” “I know, Velasquez.” Both men paused. Anderson took off his bloody gloves. “Good luck, Anderson.” “Thanks.” 7:22 AM, Pacific. Los Angeles, California. Gideon sat down in the front row, his face red with the brisk walk from the commons to the classroom. He opened his book bag and removed his binder, and opened it to the Astrology divider, looking for his homework. The general chatter around him was distracting, but he had no urge to partake in it. 8:22 AM, Mountain. Johnson City, Colorado. Eugene smiled as the teller began stuffing money into the bag. The teller’s face was tinged pink with fear. There was no one outside to back Eugene up… He thought it was a particularly brilliant idea, just to make sure the teller didn’t hit the alarm. “I’m going to be rich today,” he thought. 9:22 AM, Central. Dallas, Texas. Amanda walked to the cabinets, grabbing a mug and filling it with Freezer Brand Coffee Substitute. She sighed to herself. It was going to be a long day, closing on three houses, making deposits, picking up groceries and preparing dinner for John before he got home. 10:22 AM, East Coast. Bangor, Maine. Doctor Anderson hastily exited the ER, before collapsing on a bench just outside the viewing area for students. His face contorted as bitter tears of defeat streamed down his cheeks. 7:23 AM, Pacific. Los Angeles, California. “Found it,” Gideon sighed, relieved. The other students began to settle into their seats, aware of the imminent bell. Gideon procured a pencil from his binder and began to draw on the other side of his sheet, smiling to himself. 8:23 AM, Mountain. Johnson City, Colorado. The other customers in the bank were regretting the decision to come early today as the situation became more apparent. The teller handed Eugene the first bag and began to fill the second, this one, more slowly than the other. It would be a matter of minutes before the police arrived. 9:23 AM, Central. Dallas, Texas. She carefully set the coffee mug down beside the computer monitor, and pressed the “power” button. The screen turned on, and she reached down for the on/off button on the tower. She laughed when she realized that it was in fact, already on. John was so used to using an Apple, with the power button on the monitor. He’d adjust, though. 10:23 AM, East Coast. Bangor, Maine. The med students were filing out of the observation room, passing Anderson without a word. His head was buried in his hands in shame, unable to face his students after losing another patient. As the last of the students passed, Anderson began to think. Ideas rushed into his mind at an alarming rate, and his tears stopped. 7:24 AM, Pacific. Los Angeles, California. The final bell rang as the students settled down. A paper ball launched from the back of the room arched and hit Gideon square on the back of the head. He turned, his eyes darting between classmates. All sat silently and waited as the teacher got his notebook out. “Put your homework on your desk, I’ll be coming around to check it,” and he began his rounds. 8:24 AM, Mountain. Johnson City, Colorado. Eugene tapped the 9mm impatiently against his leg, waiting for the teller to finish filling the bag. He felt someone pass behind him, and turned with gun poised in the man’s face. “Let’s not be a hero today… It’s not a good day to die,” Eugene said. The man complacently backed away. 9:24 AM, Central. Dallas, Texas. The computer monitor glowed to life, springing color forth from it’s various cathode ray tubes. She sank into her chair, pulling up a music program, and began listening to Mozart. Mozart always relaxed her… Ten seconds into the song, she decided it would be best to save him for when she was truly stressed. She looked at the Toolbar at the bottom of the screen and noticed Microsoft Outlook Express was open. 10:24 AM, Eastern. Bangor, Maine. His footsteps fell slowly and quickly as he jogged down the hall towards the lift. “Paging Dr. Anderson. Paging Dr. Anderson, you’re needed in the ER.” He ignored it, never breaking step as he continued down the passage, smiling. Reaching the elevator, he hit the up arrow, and waited for the doors to open. 7:25 AM, Pacific. Los Angeles, California. The teacher reached Gideon’s desk and checked his paper. “Very nice work, Gideon. Excuse me, class,” he said, grabbing the student’s paper, “This is the proper way to complete a worksheet assignment. Do you see how he has all of his work shown? He even has a separate sheet stapled. You all could…” 8:25 AM, Mountain. Johnson City, Colorado. Eugene eagerly grabbed the second bag from the teller. “Thank you all for being so patient with me today. I assure you, your money will be well spent. Think of this as a donation to the ‘Give Eugene a better life fund’. I’m sure the government will let you right it off,” he said, nodding to the teller. “And now, I bid you all adieu,” the young man thought as he headed for the doors. He was greeted by the sound of sirens. 9:25 AM, Central. Dallas, Texas. She clicked on the toolbar, bringing up the e-mail program. It was logged in as John Mansfeld, and his e-mail began to slowly load. Amanda brought the warm mug up to her lip and slowly sipped some of the hot beverage, and waited. 10:25 AM, Eastern. Bangor, Maine. The good Doctor waited in the elevator what seemed like an eternity. He reached floor five, and stepped out. This was his floor. This was where his office was. Anderson began walking down the hallway, preparing to file his latest loss. 7:26 AM, Pacific. Los Angeles, California. “… Learn a thing or two from Gideon.” The rest of the students snickered while Gideon proudly pushed up his glasses. The teacher handed him his paper back, and waddled to the front of the room. He pulled down the projector screen, nodding to Gideon to start the overhead. It came to life with a small roar. 8:26 AM, Mountain. Johnson City, Colorado. “Drop your weapon, sir!” Eugene’s jaw dropped. It was a step in the right direction. “Drop your weapon NOW, sir!” Eugene stood frozen. This couldn’t be happening. “SIR! This is your final warning!” Eugene began to walk towards the blockade. 9:26 AM, Central. Dallas, Texas. The program finished loading and Amanda began to move the mouse, holding her coffee with one hand. She scrolled through the various new articles, smiling at the spam mail everyone got nowadays. Between the “Enhance your sex life now!” and “Free Porn Passwords!” e-mails, the heading “Thank you for a wonderful time, John,” caught her eye. 10:26 AM, Eastern. Bangor, Maine. The office door let out a quiet squeak as Anderson entered. He meandered over to his desk, turning on his lamp. He took a seat, and opened the top drawer, pulling out a piece of Hospital stationary. The mug full of pens on his desk was quickly overturned as he searched for a Hospital brand pen. Finding one, he began his note. 7:27AM, Pacific. Los Angeles, California. The equations on the screen were equations that Gideon had already learned. Teach droned on and on about stars, as Gideon continued to draw on the back of his paper. The angel he had begun sketching at the beginning of class finally began to take shape. 8:27 AM, Mountain. Johnson City, Colorado. A single report was fired. Eugene gasped, the bags flying from his hands, the money flying into the wind. He dropped to his knees, uttering, “Son of a bitch, oh God, he shot me, oh Son of a bitch.” He pitched forward onto the concrete, as a pool of blood began to form under his body. 9:27 AM, Central. Dallas, Texas. “John, you were amazing last weekend. I bought a new negligee that I would love for you to see and see through this weekend. Call me when you get the chance, I’m sure another ‘important meeting’ can come up. XoXo, Kim.” Amanda dropped her coffee and the mug bounced on the carpeted floor. 10:27 AM, Eastern. Bangor Maine. “I have the souls of over sixteen people on my head, the blood of so many,” Anderson wrote. He paused, and pondered before resuming his work. “My tenure at the hospital will be up in a matter of days, and I can think of no other useful purpose than helping people in need here. I hope the souls of those I’ve lost can forgive me. Have mercy on my soul, Aaron D. Anderson.” He smiled, and folded the note. 7:28 AM, Pacific. Los Angeles, California. “Which brings us to our next question. Using the formula on the board, complete the last question on the worksheet please.” Gideon looked down at his paper. He had already finished that problem last night. He turned the paper over and began adding the finishing touches on his angel. 8:28 AM, Mountain. Johnson City, Colorado. Eugene gasped in another breath, his face warm with blood. He could move his eyes, but not his arms or his body. It felt like he couldn’t breathe in enough air, like water was being mixed with the oxygen that he was breathing. “Marks! You hit him in the lung, you idiot!” Eugene frowned. He closed his eyes. All he needed was a little sleep. A little sleep and it would all be better. He was sure. 9:28 AM, Central. Dallas, Texas. The hot coffee splashed on her feet as she stared blankly at the screen. She exited the e-mail, and thought. Slowly, she moved the cursor and highlighted the message. She right clicked, and selected from the drop down menu, “Mark as unread.” Blinking twice, she walked back to the kitchen, grabbed a roll of paper towels, and began to clean up the coffee. She hadn’t read that. It wasn’t there. What did John want for dinner? Was he a fan of arsenic? 10:28 AM, Eastern. Bangor, Maine. Aaron D. Anderson slowly and deliberately removed the object wrapped in a rag from the second drawer of his desk. He unwrapped it, and removed the revolver. Keeping his grip on the gun, he reached into the third drawer on his desk and removed a single bullet, then loaded it into the chamber. He stared at the brass destiny at the end of the barrel, and took a deep breath. 7:29 AM, Pacific. Los Angeles, California. “Who has the solution to problem thirteen?” Gideon raised his hand. “Eight.” “Gideon, please read the question.” “Applying the above formula, if the sun were to burn out, how long would it be before we stopped receiving light from the sun? Eight minutes.” 7:29 AM, 8:29 AM, 9:29 AM, 10:29AM… Los Angeles, California. Johnson City, Colorado. Dallas, Texas. Bangor, Maine. And the world was bathed in darkness. ------- Mal
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"A new take on the epic fantasy genre... Darkly comic, relatable characters... twisted storyline." "Readers who prefer tension and romance, Maledictions: The Offering, delivers... As serious YA fiction, Ill give it five stars out of five. As a novel? Four and a half." - Liz Ellor My new novel: Maledictions: The Offering. Now in Paperback! |
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#2 |
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FFR Player
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That was really good.
Really. Good. The end was like ohsnap.
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GB CHALLENGE IS HOMOSEXUAL ARE YOU HOMOSEXUAL? I THINK SO
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#3 |
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Wow. I am utterly impressed.
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#4 | |
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Really nice story. I was wondering how you were going to tie in all the four stories.
Surprising yet powerful ending. Deserves better than a forum. I think you made a typo here: Quote:
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#5 |
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FFR Player
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Wow. I like this a lot.
Although, uh... I think you've got the time zones mixed up. 10:28 in the Pacific is 11:28 in Mountain... But barring that, this is really excellent work. |
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#6 | |
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FFR Player
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I'm going to be nitpicky, just so you can polish up the story. Because I really like it.
Quote:
You messed up the time zones, like psychic said. But that's an easy fix: just change the locations from west-to-east to east-to-west. You started with East Coast, then started to use Eastern. You missed a few commas after the city names here and there. The ending was a disappointment to me. There was all this buildup and then I'm left with nothing. Overall, quite an enjoyable read. Nice one Mal. |
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#7 |
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CHOCK FULL O' NUTRIENTS
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Bandit, thank you much for your comments. John was Amanda's husband, as you learn when she checks his e-mail. And I realized the time-zone thing today and kicked myself.
Spheroid, my cable was out for two days, so I was looking for something to write, but I didn't have any ideas. I was in the kitchen enjoying a glass of cream soda, when I looked at a bottle of juice my brother had bought. It has a picture of the sun on it, and it just made me think about how long it would take for the rays to reach us here on earth. The story built itself from there. Thanks everyone. Mal
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"A new take on the epic fantasy genre... Darkly comic, relatable characters... twisted storyline." "Readers who prefer tension and romance, Maledictions: The Offering, delivers... As serious YA fiction, Ill give it five stars out of five. As a novel? Four and a half." - Liz Ellor My new novel: Maledictions: The Offering. Now in Paperback! |
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#8 |
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FFR Player
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 10
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the ending didnt really cut it for me, especially the tie in between the math kids ending = time for light from sun to cross a distance and reach earth, and the ending of the woman = a dark world
this sort of thing happens all the time (cheating), it isnt more important for her than anyone else, fake drama, when i agree that there was quite the buildup |
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#9 |
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CHOCK FULL O' NUTRIENTS
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I don't quite understand what you're trying to say. I know cheating is common, but it destroyed my mother. The woman in the story was going to poison her husband, which is pretty exteme.
And what did you mean by "fake drama"? Thank you for the criticism. Mal
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"A new take on the epic fantasy genre... Darkly comic, relatable characters... twisted storyline." "Readers who prefer tension and romance, Maledictions: The Offering, delivers... As serious YA fiction, Ill give it five stars out of five. As a novel? Four and a half." - Liz Ellor My new novel: Maledictions: The Offering. Now in Paperback! |
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#10 |
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FFR Player
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 10
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Yes, the drama felt unreal for me, but I'm not saying it cant be real if you changed the part i mentioned and wrote something else.
The tie in between math that a kid solves into the real darkness for the woman, it takes one down to the the others level when they do not match. |
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#11 |
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FFR Player
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 3
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It should say Bangor, Maine instead of Bangor Maine the last time it is used, as well.
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#12 |
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FFR Player
Join Date: Feb 2005
Posts: 72
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Excellent story. Truly a piece worthy of some higher award, and to be read somewhere in the view of a better audience than this petty forum, (no offence). Most stories you see concentrating on different perspectives, in this case the lives of the four main characters, in short pieces are poorly done. However, you've managed to pull it together quite nicely. The ending was perfect, I think because I didn't see how the story related to the title, or why you included time zones until the conclusion. Truly a great piece of work and I can safely say I couldn't have done better myself.
Oh, and I have to point out one little problem. I'm going to hate myself for it, after giving your great story such a perfect score review, but Dr. Anderson seems to have the ability to change his name whenever he wants, (still feel sorry for the poor guy). It went from Aaron Anderson to Jonathan Anderson. But, I'm telling you here and now, if you proofread this thing, it could seriously win an award, granted you sent it in to a publishing company. Thanks for the opportunity of reading such a skillfully written story,
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~Sam |
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#13 |
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CHOCK FULL O' NUTRIENTS
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Haha, I went in to fix a grammar problem and copied and pasted over his name, after I had changed it to Aaron. Some people at my school were confused because John Mansfeld and John Anderson, so I changed the name to Aaron.
Thank you kindly. Mal
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"A new take on the epic fantasy genre... Darkly comic, relatable characters... twisted storyline." "Readers who prefer tension and romance, Maledictions: The Offering, delivers... As serious YA fiction, Ill give it five stars out of five. As a novel? Four and a half." - Liz Ellor My new novel: Maledictions: The Offering. Now in Paperback! |
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#14 |
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FFR Player
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Your story was very good. Mal, I am a big fan of all your stories. I dont really pay attention to all the mistakes, because the story overall deserves an applause. Thumbs up Mal.
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#15 |
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Sufficiently depressing.
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#17 |
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You know, you could probably submit these types of things to your school (or even some small publication) somehow. My school has an annual literary magazine...
Congrats on the story. It takes much more skill to craft a story than it is to write an essay. |
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#18 |
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FFR Player
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 34
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i read this story a week before spring break on the same thread... you guys are just now reading it and posting?... well, whatever, it's a cool story, kudos to Mal...
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~F.F.~ |
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#19 |
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FFR Player
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: joined date: may 13th 2003
Posts: 297
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we havent even had spring break yet lol
anyways nice work
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#20 |
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FFR Veteran
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Orange County
Posts: 334
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Honestly, I've read other things by you that have been better. It's a really good idea, though. I enjoyed it. Maybe i would have enjoyed it more if i wouldn't have guessed the ending/direction of the story from the title...
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My computer hates me. /gquit |
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