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03-9-2005, 03:56 PM
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#1 |
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Banned
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 71
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Criticize my story(not done)
Skip this one if u dont want to read it first person :S
and this one a draft and its crappy :S go down!! i don't plan to write any books but i love writing stories and i wanted you to judge this one, by the way im not done and READ IT ALL BEFORE VOTING: Things to know: Italized is what someone is thinking and no one has 2 paragraphs itialized ever, also this is not a love story, act 2 talks about ___(read to it, don’t wanna tell yeh) mostly a lot. Oh yeah and the People in Act 2 live in ancient USA that’s why they have strange names (native Americans/Indians). Remember hate corrupts… but so does love. Genre: action/adventure with a little bit of romance (only in the beginning) Prologue: The story is about 2 people Little Moon and The kingslayer (name is not mentioned at beginning). They are both on quests, one driven by hate and one by love. They will both help each other in ways unimaginable while they are on different sides of the globe. Each of their stories will be told for all to see, so read and find out… Songs of Fire and Ice: The Symphony Begins Chapter 1 Grasping my sword tightly within my right hand I walked up the stairs up of the dreaded King Herones Palace. As I walked past two guards I had just slain I glanced to see if anymore had seen me. An archer was standing on the side of the enormous wall to my left pointing an arrow directly at me with a sense of determination. I held my arrow tightly within my two fingers getting ready to release upon this invader. A moment before I shot I felt a sharp intense heat focusing inside the inner depths of my head and begin to grow like a wild fire upon a dry plain. Before I knew it I had burst in to flames from underneath my pale skin, and near the bottom of the colossal stairs was the invader that came glaring directly into my eyes with a malevolent look on his face. The world slowly faded away and I began to drift away from this cursed painful place… “This King like all the rest shall die” I thought reminiscing on how the many Monarchs I had met betrayed me as if I was a fool. And the worst one of all…the one that burned my family upon the stake before my eyes. I was young then and was powerless, I almost begin to weep when I think of it, but I must not show my weakness. ”That worthless b*stard!”, I yelled out, but only to find I was still alone walking up the thousand of steps to king Herones Palace. About a long tiring hour later I came upon the last step and sighed with relief. An ominous figure appeared as my foot left the last step. It was a gorgeous woman with long beautiful jet black hair wearing a slightly “revealing” semi-transparent silk outfit that wrapped around her legs and split at the top, staring directly at me holding a set of vicious jagged claws. Ah… a pitiful young man coming to slay the king..I knew he was coming. But like all the rest he shall beg for mercy at the rim of his life. Well he shall go no further! I felt an icy cold chill run down my spine as the woman stared at me and I could no longer move. What is she doing to me! As my skin turned a bluish black color as if I had been frozen in ice for ages I futilely attempted to yell nothing came out, and I began to panic. She began to reach her arm out in the air “prepare to die” she remarked cockily, and a blue mist in the shape of her hand slowly emerged and approached me, as it reached into my chest I felt a cold piercing feeling upon me and I could no longer breathe. I stood there powerless, and I knew I was going to die, and that’s when an immense surge of heat came out of the depth of my soul and fire like water slowly cracked through the bottom of my scarred skin and then that’s when I gasped for air. ACT 2: Singing of Ice Chapter 1: Choir Of Tranquilities Call All the way on the other side of the world Little Moon knelt before the small rushing stream reminiscing upon her childhood. Today she was to be married to Bear Warrior. Of course she was happy and she loves him, but she would miss her days of childhood when all she had on her mind was playing. She pulled out a flower from underneath the back of her ear and laid it upon the tranquil stream and it slowly made its way past the rocks and vanished from sight… A few hours later her marriage ceremony was held and she smiled when she went to sleep that day full of joy. As she awoke she left to the forest to gather bark. She then made my way out of the long house and into the forest. About 20 minutes later she stood up because she heard someone coming and there stood Bear Warrior and she smiled. “Little Moon… a near by tribe of barbarians has declared war with us” As he said that her face quickly changed from a smile to a more serious concerned look “well you aren’t going are you?” “I must go, we need to fight them off, for we all wish to live in peace” as Bear warrior said that she ran to Bear Warrior and wrapped herself around him “please don’t fight!” she cried out to him but he knew he would have to go and end up going either way “I’m sorry…” he said quietly “you do not have to go, we can run off some place and…” “no”, he quickly stopped her in mid-sentence, “I would be a disgrace to our tribe and a disgrace to you”, with that said she began the cry furiously “please, we just got married!” she screamed. Bear warrior slowly released her from his arms and walked away and she still remained crying in the forest And with that a long forgotten feeling came over him, a tear dropped from the long lost part of his eye… (quick fix) |
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03-9-2005, 04:10 PM
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#2 |
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Banned
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 71
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and post what you thought about it (so far)
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03-9-2005, 04:18 PM
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#3 | |
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FFR Player
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: The sunny beaches of Canada
Age: 40
Posts: 521
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It wasn't bad, but the sentence structure absolutely kills the story. It's almost as if you're trying to say everything in one breath.
The chapters are too short, or don't go anywhere. Cut some of them out and just combine them. Also, description is key. You say this woman is wearing a "slightly revealing outfit". What's revealing about it? Is the colour semi-transparent? What style of clothing is it? For all we know, 'revealing' could mean she's wearing low-rise jeans. Probably not, but since you don't describe anything about the clothes she wears, we have no clue how or why it's revealing. You jump around in the story, which can be okay sometimes but in this case it really disrupts the narrative. The woman is going to kill the main character and then suddenly they're getting married? It's a start, but it needs work.
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03-9-2005, 04:20 PM
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#4 |
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FFR Player
Join Date: Feb 2005
Posts: 72
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I didn't even read half and I can tell you now that this is the worst story anyone has EVER written. I WOULD have felt sorry for you, as everyone reading this post is going to flame your terrible 'story', had it not been so utterly painful to read! Normally, I would point out your mistakes to help you get your story going, but there's nothing good in it to NOT edit! I am literally so disgusted in your writing ability, I advise you to never post again. Please.
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~Sam |
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03-9-2005, 04:27 PM
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#5 |
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Banned
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 71
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please do not flame me it is useless but you can criticize me down to every sentence and word because its the most valuable thing to a writer of stories
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03-9-2005, 05:12 PM
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#6 |
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FFR Player
Join Date: Feb 2005
Posts: 72
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Alright, alright. I'll give you some pointers... Since obviously you like 'Medievil Fantasy' type stories, I don't have much experience in this field, but I am a very good writer (if that's not an understatement) and can show you some techniques.
First of all, why do you keep switching points of view on each paragraph? You can't get the feel of a story if it's too confusing to get a grasp on. Try concentrating on one character per 'act'. Also, throw in some backround/introduction of the characters, and the setting. Next, your story is short. I don't mean 'you were in a rush' short, I mean 'second grade book report' short. Your chapters are a paragraph each. Your book would be two pages with a prolouge, which would also be useful. After that, as jazzmosis says, you're not just skipping, you're placing characters in whole different places, with a different mood, and suddenly they have names. Amazing. May I add that the babe goes from violent guard chick to "please don't fight" maiden type woman? Who is the dominent in the characters' relationship? Last of all, where did your story leave off? Your conclusion left me lost, confused, and overly depressed. So, if you're going to keep this little thing, don't call it a story. I'd classify it as a... list of ideas and creative titles put to no good use. Don't post things like this anymore unless you're sure it'll get all good reviews, and you can it turn in to your English teacher for an A... well, a B+. And try posting it in another category (noob forum). People here like to chit-chat, not read and review your stories. That's about all... Later.
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~Sam |
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03-9-2005, 05:16 PM
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#7 |
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Seen your member
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: noitacoL
Posts: 2,873
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You need to get rid of the random symbols. They don't represent any kind of style or layout, aren't particularily neat, and are infact quite annoying. Something such as that is usually enough to turn a reader away from your work before even giving it a proper chance.
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03-9-2005, 05:24 PM
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#8 |
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Banned
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 71
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actually at the begining of act 2 it says its on the other side of the world....
anyways thankyou for the tips, i treated these forums as my story tips because so much people here are smart!lol thankyou for telling me about writing and ill fix it up (and by the looks of it i got a lot of work) well ill fix it up and post it again, then tell me what you think of it brb in like i dont know whenever i get it fixed up  edit:fixed it in like 2 seconds is it a lil' better now, i don't care of what you think of the story but how its presented so it better presented and more "pretty" ------------------------ Cheers! |
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03-9-2005, 05:58 PM
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#9 |
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FFR Player
Join Date: Oct 2003
Posts: 367
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Not bad. I like your ideas (and I have some experience in this genre). This would work very well as a prologue of some sort, as somebody already said.
However, there are MANY grammar errors in it. Most have to do with verb tenses, but there are other things as well. You've got punctuation issues, too. PM me if you like and I'll help you fix them. Also, I was a bit confused on the points of view (who is saying what). I assume that the second set of italics in Act I is from the woman's point of view, right? Perhaps you should put something to clarify that, like "The woman looked at me with her piercing gaze, and it seemed that I could almost hear her thoughts." Then add a line break and put the italicized text. Don't be afraid of line breaks (two returns). If you're changing POV's, make sure to use them. Otherwise, it's just too confusing to understand ANYTHING. Also, in the middle of the second act, there is suddenly a shift to first person. If you're going to do that, DON'T do it in the middle of a sentence. Instead, conclude the paragraph, line break, and then start from another point of view. But overall, not a bad idea for a story. I like it. |
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03-9-2005, 06:12 PM
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#10 |
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Banned
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 71
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what would be the best POV for this story?
here it is in total 3rd person Songs of Fire and Ice Act 1: And so it begins... Chapter 1 Upon the steps of the castle Grasping his sword tightly within his right hand Adorn walked up the stairs up of the dreaded King Herones Palace. As he walked past two guards he had just slain he glanced to see if anymore had seen me. An archer was standing on the side of the enormous wall to my left pointing an arrow directly at me with a sense of determination. I held my arrow tightly within my two fingers getting ready to release upon this invader. A moment before I shot I felt a sharp intense heat focusing inside the inner depths of my head and begin to grow like a wild fire upon a dry plain. Before I knew it I had burst in to flames from underneath my pale skin, and near the bottom of the colossal stairs was the invader that came glaring directly into my eyes with a malevolent look on his face. The world slowly faded away and I began to drift away from this cursed painful place… This King like all the rest shall die, Adrohn thought reminiscing on how the many Monarchs he had met betrayed me as if he was a fool. And the worst one of all…the one that burned his family upon the stake before his eyes. He was young then and was powerless, he almost began to weep when he thought of it, but he knew he must not show his weaknesses. ”That worthless b*stard!”, he yelled out, but only to find he was still alone walking up the thousand of steps to king Herones Palace. About a long tiring hour later Adorhn came upon the last step and sighed with relief. An ominous figure appeared as his foot left the last step. It was a gorgeous woman with long beautiful jet black hair wearing a slightly “revealing” semi-transparent silk outfit that wrapped around her legs and split at the top, staring directly at him holding a set of vicious jagged claws. Ah… a pitiful young man coming to slay the king i see. She knew he was coming. But like all the rest he shall beg for mercy at the rim of his life. “Well he shall go no further!” she thought. An icy cold chill ran down his spine as the woman stared at him and he could no longer move. “What is she doing to me!” he thought. As his skin turned a bluish black color as if I had been frozen in ice for ages he futilely attempted to yell nothing came out, and I began to panic. She began to reach her arm out in the air “prepare to die” she remarked cockily, and a blue mist in the shape of her hand slowly emerged and approached him, as it reached into his chest he felt a cold piercing feeling upon me himself and he could no longer breathe. He stood there powerless, and he knew he was going to die, and that’s when an immense surge of heat came out of the depth of his soul and fire like water slowly cracked through the bottom of my scarred skin and then that’s when he gasped for air. Chapter 2: Little Moon All the way on the other side of the world Little Moon knelt before the small rushing stream reminiscing upon her childhood. Today she was to be married to Bear Warrior. Of course she was happy and she loves him, but she would miss her days of childhood when all she had on her mind was playing. She pulled out a flower from underneath the back of her ear and laid it upon the tranquil stream and it slowly made its way past the rocks and vanished from sight… A few hours later her marriage ceremony was held and she smiled when she went to sleep that day full of joy. As she awoke she left to the forest to gather bark. She then made my way out of the long house and into the forest. About 20 minutes later she stood up because she heard someone coming and there stood Bear Warrior and she smiled. “Little Moon… a near by tribe of barbarians has declared war with us” As he said that her face quickly changed from a smile to a more serious concerned look “well you aren’t going are you?” “I must go, we need to fight them off, for we all wish to live in peace” as Bear warrior said that she ran to me and wrapped herself around me “please don’t fight!” she cried out to me but I knew I would have to go and end up going either way “I’m sorry…” he said quietly “you do not have to go, we can run off some place and…” “no”, he quickly stopped her in mid-sentence, “I would be a disgrace to our tribe and a disgrace to you”, with that said she begin the cry furiously “please, we just got married!” she screamed. Bear warrior slowly released her from his arms and walked away and she still remained crying in the forest And with that a long forgotten feeling came over me, a tear dropped from the long lost part of my eye… im going to my story a bit tomarrow and then you can help me chisel it out a bit, i got more but i don't feel like typing it right now  |
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03-9-2005, 06:17 PM
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#12 |
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Banned
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 71
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thankyou all for the tips, they obviously all helped a ton because i got a compliment and i'm so high spirited now
 but seriously what do you think would be the best POV? |
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03-9-2005, 06:20 PM
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#13 |
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Seen your member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: noitacoL
Posts: 2,873
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3rd person is typical for romance novels. Sometimes they even contain a temporary shift to 1st person. But yours is too short for that.
Before you think anything STFU. I only read the horse whisperer. It was a romance novel. But I read it for the horses. |
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03-9-2005, 06:21 PM
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#14 |
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Banned
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 71
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lol...for the horses...
but mine isn't a romance novel :s Love is just the motivation for someone, it's not about anyones relationship :s |
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03-9-2005, 06:26 PM
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#15 |
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FFR Player
Join Date: Oct 2003
Posts: 367
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Hmm... a lot of the fantasy stories I've read don't use first person. In fact, they NEVER do. So I would probably recommend third person. Only use first person if you say, "I did this and blah blah blah," he thought to himself. That keeps it in third person but still allows a first-person point of view.
And good formatting. |
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03-9-2005, 06:31 PM
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#16 |
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Banned
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 71
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i am taking everything that psychic25 says into extreme consideration because he's nice and didn't flame me and said he liked the idea and now im happier
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03-9-2005, 07:28 PM
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#17 |
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CHOCK FULL O' NUTRIENTS
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: A Denny's Bathroom.
Age: 38
Posts: 6,571
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That was just one huddled mass of confusion. I actually felt proud of myself for figuring out what exactly you were trying to do in the first "chapter", but the sense of accomplishment fled when I read "chapter 2", which honestly, didn't make sense.
Are these the same people? Why did they change so much? How old are you? I dunno. Not only are fantasy novels not my cup o' tea, this one is just very juvenile. Mal
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"A new take on the epic fantasy genre... Darkly comic, relatable characters... twisted storyline." "Readers who prefer tension and romance, Maledictions: The Offering, delivers... As serious YA fiction, Ill give it five stars out of five. As a novel? Four and a half." - Liz Ellor My new novel: Maledictions: The Offering. Now in Paperback! |
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03-9-2005, 07:31 PM
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#18 |
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Banned
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 71
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chapter 2 is a whole nother story and they're stories will slowly come together
chapter 1:about Adrohn chapter 2:about Little Moon and entire stories and goals usually dont completely fold out in the first 2 chapters i beleive your confusion comes from the fact that there is no "bubble" or whatever that thing is called on the back of the book and inside the cover of th book on each side hint  bviously not same people because they're on the other side of the world omfg!!!WOW!!!!and obviously don't have planes because they use swords omg!!!WOW!!! at the end of chapter one he gasps for air and then he turns into a girl with a flower in her ear? i dont think so, YOU SIR HAVE NO COMMON SENSE [size=18]AND YOU SIR DO NOT LIKE FANTASY NOVELS SO YOUR WORDS WEIGHT GREATLY DECREASES[/size] |
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03-9-2005, 07:38 PM
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#19 |
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CHOCK FULL O' NUTRIENTS
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: A Denny's Bathroom.
Age: 38
Posts: 6,571
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There is such a thing as crossing genres. And they can have planes and use swords. Don't close your mind to mixing modern techonogly with fantasy. And yes, I would have had some better idea of what was going on if you were perhaps specific, and gave the charachters in chapter 1 names.
Your sentence structre blows. Really bad. It's like you can't decide what all you want to say, so you say it all. Then in the next sentence, you say nothing. Still, it's a jumbled mess. I don't hate it, it just needs a ton of work. Mal
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"A new take on the epic fantasy genre... Darkly comic, relatable characters... twisted storyline." "Readers who prefer tension and romance, Maledictions: The Offering, delivers... As serious YA fiction, Ill give it five stars out of five. As a novel? Four and a half." - Liz Ellor My new novel: Maledictions: The Offering. Now in Paperback! |
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03-9-2005, 07:40 PM
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#20 |
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Banned
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 71
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Like i said earlier flaming me is useless i would like anyones opinion even you but you sir are simply flaming and not telling me specficly the problems or thoroughly explain yourself and therefor decreasing your words weights even greater
and only name lots of problems and only explains 2 and i will now add more names to make you happy oh yes i hate the main characters name in part one i'll change it it's only a "fill in" for now mal said: Your sentence structre blows. Really bad. It's like you can't decide what all you want to say, so you say it all. Then in the next sentence, you say nothing. mind telling me specificly what parts please? and for further reference PLEASE do not flame but criticize and when you do NAME SPECIFIC PARTS |
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