erm, poem.

[midnghtraver]

my soul mourns for a lost love
a love that is not there
it seeks and seeks
but still, cant break the barrier
that holds it back.

if I were to let it free
into a habitat of its own
it wouldn't be shut in a closet
it would be free to the worlds galore
but what does this have to do with anything?

I'm just one searching for a lost love.

[All_That_Chaz]

some form or rhyme would help tie your idea together. sonnets work amazingly well for this kind of idea.

[GuidoHunter]

Both stanzas (much moreso the first) read better as quatrains.

I also hope you weren't trying to rhyme "there" with "barrier". I don't think you were, but either way, trying to do so is a bad, bad idea.

I think the final line of the second stanza sums up the entire poem:

but what does this have to do with anything?

The poem suffers from a lot of abstraction, and your choice of words is awfully strange. "Habitat"? "Closet"? "Galore"?

--Guido

http://andy.mikee385.com

[All_That_Chaz]

how come Guido never reads my poems and tears them apart??? :*(

[midnghtraver]

thanks, I agree there should be more rhyme and no I was not trying to rhyme there and barrier.

--mid.

[Wintergreen]

I read this as being about homosexuality.

[midnghtraver]

Originally Posted by Wintergreen

I read this as being about homosexuality.

funny.

























not.

[beaner692]

I dont get it

[Wintergreen]

Originally Posted by midnghtraver

funny.

























not.

Well what do you expect me to think when your poem says your soul is 'shut in a closet'?

[sujishishou]

I liked this poem.
I dont know what it was about the words, but I read it aloud and there is a songlike quality to your words. Even though the word choice is a bit strange. The words seemed as if they rhymed when they did not. I thought that was pretty cool. I am not going to say much about the poem's content though.

[midnghtraver]

Originally Posted by Wintergreen

Well what do you expect me to think when your poem says your soul is 'shut in a closet'?

I said it was NOT shut in a closet!

[Wintergreen]

if I were to let it free
into a habitat of its own
it wouldn't be shut in a closet

You wrote if you were to let it free, implying that it isn't. It's in the closet.