12-22-2006, 09:23 PM | #1 |
FFR Player
Join Date: Oct 2006
Age: 33
Posts: 25
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My first story..Tell me what you think!
Ok as I said this is my first story and I need some feedback please...
We Were Young And In Love We were young and in love. I told you, “Don’t get too attached, I’m going to die young.” But you wouldn’t believe me. You thought nothing could go wrong as long as we both were together. Finally, one day, you had made up your mind, we were meant to me married, so you went and bought the ring, told your parents, and called my dad. That night you were taking my father out to dinner to ask for my hand in marriage. My family loved you and they had told me so many numerous times, so of course my dad was thrilled and immediately said yes. After he congratulated you, my father called my mother and told her the great news. She was so happy once she got off the phone with my dad, she went to her bedroom and pulled out her old wedding dress, and just sat there and day-dreamed about the wonderful day she had been looking forward to since the day she found out she was pregnant with me. After dinner my dad said goodbye and good luck to my going-to-be future husband and they both went their separate ways. Once he got into the car, he gave me a call and asked if I would meet him the following night for dinner. Of course I said, “Yes, I would love to.” We set a time and where we were going to meet and we said goodbye till the following night. The next morning felt different. I didn’t know what was different, but it was peaceful. Maybe it was the fact that I had off of work, or maybe it was I knew I was going to see him that night. I knew I had to get some errands done before that night, so I walked outside to get into my car, when I happened to look towards the sky it was blue. It was the richest blue I had ever seen. I stood there a moment and just got lost in the clouds. When I was finally back to earth, I got into my car and drove down the street. The light up ahead just turned yellow, so I started to slow down. When it had finally turned green again, I began to cross the intersection. As soon as I got in the middle of the intersection, all of a sudden it felt like my life had slowed down. I looked to my left and seconds later I realized I was in so much pain. The shock came to me; I was in a car accident. As I felt my head go back I started to fall asleep. What seemed like hours were only minutes. I could hear people around me. They were saying, “There’s a lady over here. Someone please hurry! Get her out! She looks horrible!” I then heard someone come by me and identify himself as an EMT. He said his name was Jeff. He was trying to find out my name, but I was too far gone to even reply. I next heard him say, “She’s too badly hurt to even try to save”. The next thing I knew, there was a white sheet over my body. It was as if I went from one place in time to the next. I saw as two police men walked up to my house where my parents lived and I. As my mom opened the door, she already knew what they had come for. She dropped to her knees and started to cry. The policemen helped her up and into the living room, so she could sit on the couch as she called my dad home from work. Once he got home she told him the horrible news, he had lost his baby girl, his only girl. He was mad and upset that he never really got to tell me how much he loved me, but I knew just by the way he gave me hugs growing up, how he picked on me when I was grumpy, just to make me laugh or for me to give him an evil stare. I never really told him how much it meant to me, that he did gave me rides to youth group and to hang out with friends, how he listened to me on the way home as we talked, and gave me the advice I needed on how to deal with things I thought that would push me over the edge. The next part was calling the rest of the family, my best friends, and that guy, my one true love, who I knew I loved even from when I was young. Everyone came over, my brothers, their wives, and their children. No one knew why I wasn’t there, or where I was. Then, my mom broke the news to everyone. I was gone and I wasn’t coming back. Everyone was in pure shock. This really was the last thing they thought of when mom had called everyone over. One thing that stuck in my mind was when my best friend of way too many years to count found out the news. Yeah, she was in shock, but she seemed to know it was coming. See we have this sister thing, and swear we were both separated at birth. I also remember seeing him, as the tears ran down his cheek, I could tell he needed out of there, he just needed to run. As he got up and walked quickly to the door he was gone in a flash. My dad began to say, “I knew he was going to take this really hard. He told me last night that he was going to ask her to marry him. In fact, they were going to meet tonight, but needless to say, it won’t happen now”. This jumping from one place to another was really starting to get on my nerves. As I left my house, and the rest of my family, I was suddenly in his car as he pulled off to the side of the road. He was crying and I could tell his anger was building up inside him. Then he started calling out to God, “Why? Why would you take her away from me? Why her? Why not someone else? Couldn’t we just live happy with no worries? Why did she have to die and leave me here all alone?” All I wanted to do was just hold him, and say everything will go back to normal soon. But it wont, everything will change, and the ones left will have to get on with their lives. He started his car back up and drove home. When he walked into his house, his mom came up to him and asked him how was his day and if he we nervous about asking me to marry him. He broke down crying and told her about the accident, and that I was gone and not coming back. She did what any mother would do, she held him tight and she didn’t want to let him go. She had known me quite a long time. I had often talked to her about school, and how the families were doing, even before we were dating. I was so happy when I thought about me being a part of this awesome family, how they were like my family in the values and morals. It always felt like a second home to me. A couple days went by, and more people were told. They all had most of the same reaction, shock. They didn’t expect me to be there one day then gone the next, but who does expect it? The day had come. My body was to be buried by my grandmother, on the hill where I had once stood when she was being buried. The pastor of the service was my youth pastor who had known me for quite a few years. He told of how I was always willing to serve and the hunger and love I had for god. Many more people came up during the service to say a few words about me. There was the girl who I tried to help and I never really thought she cared who came up and said, “I didn’t know her well at first, I wish I would have taken the time to listen, and not be so shy when it came to asking her stuff. I do know one thing, even when I didn’t listen to what she said, she kept talking she never let me just stand in the corner, and for this I thank her.” Another guy came up. I never would have even thought he cared, but he said, “I remember no matter how bad I treated or ignored her, she always looked my way and smiled or said hey. I knew she was always there if I needed her, she even told me this one day.” Then he came up. He was still crying. I’m not sure he even stopped crying from the point he found out till now, but he said to everyone, “I loved this girl. I wish I could have told her more often, but I didn’t. I never knew how short life really was in till a couple days ago when I found out she was gone. I was in her room yesterday and I found her journal. She had kept stories and written about me and the times we talked and hung out with friends, and about a bunch of our friends, how she really felt, stuff she was scared to tell others about. She wrote about how long she had really kept her feelings for me secret, the things that made her, her. I remember reading about this one time in particular. Her best friend and she were cooking in the kitchen. I believe they were making cookies. Her best friend was bringing the last cookie sheet out of the oven, and by accident, the cookie sheet touched against her arm. Well, if you really did know her like I did, you would know she had a scar on her left arm from that, and every time she looked at her scar, she would remember that day, and how her friend felt so bad for doing that to her, but she really didn’t mine it at all. She loved her friends and her family, even when she didn’t tell them all that often. She hoped they knew. She had something in there. She had always remembered from youth group, she wanted to be proud of her dash and have people remember her long from when she was gone.” As he said these things, it made me cry. He said everything I would have said if the roles were changed around. I did want to know if the time on this earth was really wasted or not. Should I have done something differently, or acted a certain way around his parents or her parents? No one really knew the answers to these questions. Sometimes they are better left unanswered. It was time for my body to be buried. As they lowered my body down, I knew it was time to say goodbye to my best friend, my true love, my family, the girl who called me even when I was not willing to talk, but I still talked, the guy who was quiet and didn’t speak much, the one who acted tough, but in this day he wasn’t all that tough, and the girl who stayed in the corner and never really came out of her shell. Many people put on a front as did I. At times I could see past this mask, as we liked to call it, and other times, they hid there feelings so well, I would have never known the real truth. A family of broken hearts, lost dreams, unknown memories that should have happened that didn’t was all elevating away from the people as the watched the cold lifeless body being lowered down into the earth. Last edited by kmj103a; 12-27-2006 at 10:29 AM.. |
12-24-2006, 05:34 PM | #2 |
FFR Player
Join Date: Aug 2005
Posts: 660
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Re: My first story..Tell me what you think!
http://owl.english.purdue.edu/handou...r/g_quote.html
Write each person's spoken words, however brief, as a separate paragraph. Use commas to set off dialogue tags such as "she said" or "he explained." Closely related narrative prose can be included in a paragraph with dialogue. If one person's speech goes on for more than one paragraph, use quotation marks to open the speech and at the beginning--but not the end--of each new paragraph in the speech. To close the speech, use quotation marks at the end of the final paragraph. // Needs some major formatting tweaks. Do that, then I'm sure you might get yourself some critiques. Otherwise, most won't take a second look. Last edited by Sol_Solis; 12-24-2006 at 05:36 PM.. |
12-26-2006, 06:00 PM | #3 |
FFR Player
Join Date: Oct 2006
Age: 33
Posts: 25
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Re: My first story..Tell me what you think!
Thank you Sol, I fixed what you were talking about I hope you like it.
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12-26-2006, 06:54 PM | #4 |
Hookers and Blow
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Re: My first story..Tell me what you think!
Kmj, I think you should read my short story, "The Way We Are." I think you'll enjoy it.
http://www.flashflashrevolution.com/...ad.php?t=36883
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12-26-2006, 10:59 PM | #5 | |
CHOCK FULL O' NUTRIENTS
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Re: My first story..Tell me what you think!
Quote:
Seriously, I don't mean to be a dick, but you ****ed up the title of your own story.
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"A new take on the epic fantasy genre... Darkly comic, relatable characters... twisted storyline." "Readers who prefer tension and romance, Maledictions: The Offering, delivers... As serious YA fiction, I’ll give it five stars out of five. As a novel? Four and a half." - Liz Ellor My new novel: Maledictions: The Offering. Now in Paperback! |
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12-27-2006, 10:44 AM | #6 |
The Worst
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Re: My first story..Tell me what you think!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
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Last edited by FoJaR; 12-27-2006 at 10:45 AM.. Reason: page stretching |
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