Perfect -A very short story

la · 11-5-2006, 03:47 PM

Comments would be appreciated. ^^

Perfect

Linn awoke smoothly on yet another Saturday in her factual, no-nonsense life. She sat straight up, unaffected by sleep, and scanned her room. Immaculate, white furniture, white walls, white carpet, white everything. Not even a speck of dust dared to mar the rooms white perfection. Some would say the room looked very much like an asylum, but to Linn, it was exactly as a room should be, practical and neat. Stepping softly from her bed, Linn grasped the cold brass doorknob of her bedroom door and strolled gracefully into the hallway. After walking halfway down the stairs, there came a rude interruption in Linn’s perfect morning. Tromping out of her own bedroom came Louise, Linn's odd younger sister. Roaring like a Lion, Louise pounced on the banister, sliding and giggling 'till she reached the first floor. Once there, she turned to greet Linn with a wide smile before skipping off to breakfast. Making a short sound of indignation, Linn resumed her surefooted lope down the stairs.

Breakfast was a surprisingly quiet affair. With their parents gone on a business trip all weekend, it was just Linn and Louise at the table. The contrast between the two siblings was more pronounced than ever as they sat quietly together. Linn was tall and peerless in a white nightgown while Louise was short and radical in boxers. A seemingly perpetual solitude hung in the air. In fact, there were only two times Louise spoke during their otherwise silent meal. The first came just after Linn served them both steaming bowls of oatmeal. Before Linn could sit down, Louise seized her arm, brandished a piece of paper that had been concealed in her lap, and held it in front of Linn's face. The paper was white. Perfectly white.

"Linn, tell me, what do you see in this?" Louise looked uncharacteristically pensive, Linn look annoyed.

"A sheet of paper," She replied, walking away to seat herself.

Louise looked faintly disappointed but did not speak again until the end of the meal. After they had both finished the oatmeal, and Linn was collecting the empty bowls, Louise spoke once more to her sister. Handing Linn a small, crumpled object, she began to speak slowly and deliberately.

"Think about it." With those three, simple words, she scampered out of the kitchen and up the stairs. There was a muffled slam as she shut her door upstairs.

Linn looked down at the object she was holding. In her palm, was a crinkly white charm bracelet.

"It's made out of paper," Linn wondered aloud, thunderstruck, "Just Paper."

The bracelet was pure white and made largely of a thin paper band. Dangling delicately off of the band were several intricate charms. In that very instant, while staring at the bracelet, a very strange sensation overcame Linn. For the first time in her life, she felt...not so perfect. As if she was missing something vitally important. There was something she had to do, something she had to realize. Leaving the dirty dishes forgotten and unwashed, Linn bounded up the stairs and swung open her bedroom door. She stood, frozen, in the door frame. What she had seen as perfect only minutes ago now seemed all wrong. Her room was nothing more than a white box, a toy for a child playing at perfect.

She still couldn't understand exactly what she was missing. Possibility, future, life, emotion. Imagination. That was it; Imagination. The inability to see the possibility in even a sheet of paper. To judge things as perfect as they were. Why not add color to her life?! Why not revel in imperfection?! She could spend time with the sister she had labeled as 'odd'. Together, they could learn to fly; together they could imagine. As strange thoughts stormed through her mind, there came a silence; the eye to her hurricane of ideas. Here, she found one thing she believed with all her new-found heart to be true: There is no such thing as perfect.

la · 11-9-2006, 09:05 PM

Sorry for the double post, I just wondered if the story would be better with this introductory paragraph. Comments would be appreciated.

Perfect, a word concocted by mankind themselves. Yet, what does perfect really mean? How do you define perfection? Does it exist, or is it merely a loosely used exaggeration? Linn, a teenage girl living in this supposed perfection, is where we begin our search for the truth.

kilroysd · 11-26-2006, 07:35 PM

I thought it was interesting, I hate to say it though but the first paragraph seemed to have too much detail, I don't know why but just the "strolling gracefully" and "roaring like a lion" just for some reason seemed a little overboard to me. Overall though it was pretty good but next time try to add some more interest to capture the readers attention, at about the middle I started to lose a little interest.

qualy · 12-12-2006, 02:04 PM

I find the opposite is true... "walking gracefully" and "roaring like a lion" I thought described best the contrast between the siblings.

As far as the paragraph goes I would put it in like this:

Quote:

Perfect, a word concocted by mankind themselves. Yet, what does perfect really mean? How do you define perfection? Does it exist, or is it merely a loosely used exaggeration? Linn, a teenage girl living in this supposed perfection, is where we begin our search for the truth.

Perfect

Linn awoke smoothly...

I think overall it was very well written, particularly for someone who's 13 (because on teh internetz age listings are 4realz amirite?). The ending, although short, was good and I was certainly satisfied.

nothing else I guess, I'm not a great at giving critique.

11-5-2006, 03:47 PM	#1
la FFR Player Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: Texas Age: 31 Posts: 25	Perfect -A very short story Comments would be appreciated. ^^ Perfect Linn awoke smoothly on yet another Saturday in her factual, no-nonsense life. She sat straight up, unaffected by sleep, and scanned her room. Immaculate, white furniture, white walls, white carpet, white everything. Not even a speck of dust dared to mar the rooms white perfection. Some would say the room looked very much like an asylum, but to Linn, it was exactly as a room should be, practical and neat. Stepping softly from her bed, Linn grasped the cold brass doorknob of her bedroom door and strolled gracefully into the hallway. After walking halfway down the stairs, there came a rude interruption in Linn’s perfect morning. Tromping out of her own bedroom came Louise, Linn's odd younger sister. Roaring like a Lion, Louise pounced on the banister, sliding and giggling 'till she reached the first floor. Once there, she turned to greet Linn with a wide smile before skipping off to breakfast. Making a short sound of indignation, Linn resumed her surefooted lope down the stairs. Breakfast was a surprisingly quiet affair. With their parents gone on a business trip all weekend, it was just Linn and Louise at the table. The contrast between the two siblings was more pronounced than ever as they sat quietly together. Linn was tall and peerless in a white nightgown while Louise was short and radical in boxers. A seemingly perpetual solitude hung in the air. In fact, there were only two times Louise spoke during their otherwise silent meal. The first came just after Linn served them both steaming bowls of oatmeal. Before Linn could sit down, Louise seized her arm, brandished a piece of paper that had been concealed in her lap, and held it in front of Linn's face. The paper was white. Perfectly white. "Linn, tell me, what do you see in this?" Louise looked uncharacteristically pensive, Linn look annoyed. "A sheet of paper," She replied, walking away to seat herself. Louise looked faintly disappointed but did not speak again until the end of the meal. After they had both finished the oatmeal, and Linn was collecting the empty bowls, Louise spoke once more to her sister. Handing Linn a small, crumpled object, she began to speak slowly and deliberately. "Think about it." With those three, simple words, she scampered out of the kitchen and up the stairs. There was a muffled slam as she shut her door upstairs. Linn looked down at the object she was holding. In her palm, was a crinkly white charm bracelet. "It's made out of paper," Linn wondered aloud, thunderstruck, "Just Paper." The bracelet was pure white and made largely of a thin paper band. Dangling delicately off of the band were several intricate charms. In that very instant, while staring at the bracelet, a very strange sensation overcame Linn. For the first time in her life, she felt...not so perfect. As if she was missing something vitally important. There was something she had to do, something she had to realize. Leaving the dirty dishes forgotten and unwashed, Linn bounded up the stairs and swung open her bedroom door. She stood, frozen, in the door frame. What she had seen as perfect only minutes ago now seemed all wrong. Her room was nothing more than a white box, a toy for a child playing at perfect. She still couldn't understand exactly what she was missing. Possibility, future, life, emotion. Imagination. That was it; Imagination. The inability to see the possibility in even a sheet of paper. To judge things as perfect as they were. Why not add color to her life?! Why not revel in imperfection?! She could spend time with the sister she had labeled as 'odd'. Together, they could learn to fly; together they could imagine. As strange thoughts stormed through her mind, there came a silence; the eye to her hurricane of ideas. Here, she found one thing she believed with all her new-found heart to be true: There is no such thing as perfect. __________________

11-9-2006, 09:05 PM	#2
la FFR Player Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: Texas Age: 31 Posts: 25	Re: Perfect -A very short story Sorry for the double post, I just wondered if the story would be better with this introductory paragraph. Comments would be appreciated. Perfect, a word concocted by mankind themselves. Yet, what does perfect really mean? How do you define perfection? Does it exist, or is it merely a loosely used exaggeration? Linn, a teenage girl living in this supposed perfection, is where we begin our search for the truth. __________________

11-26-2006, 07:35 PM	#3
kilroysd FFR Player Join Date: Nov 2006 Posts: 17	Re: Perfect -A very short story I thought it was interesting, I hate to say it though but the first paragraph seemed to have too much detail, I don't know why but just the "strolling gracefully" and "roaring like a lion" just for some reason seemed a little overboard to me. Overall though it was pretty good but next time try to add some more interest to capture the readers attention, at about the middle I started to lose a little interest.

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