Know my story please

[Rapta]

Re: Know my story please

High school isn't as big of a deal as you think it is. Don't stress about it too much. So long as you push to better yourself, what happens now with school won't impact you that much in the end.

My mother says school is more important than my well being and whatever I say she is going to force me to go to school tomorrow.. I asked her if she cared about how I felt and that's when she said "No I don't, fuck you. Get out"

I can't tell if it was just from anger or if she doesn't care anymore..

If I am stressing her as much as she has told me then is it just easier for her to stop caring?

[Deadlyx39]

Re: Know my story please

You want to talk about it with me? We're about the same age so I can understand at least the school aspect of what you're dealing with right now.

[Rapta]

Re: Know my story please

You want to talk about it with me? We're about the same age so I can understand at least the school aspect of what you're dealing with right now.

I need to figure out what I am going to do tomorrow.. Last Thursday my dad convinced my mother to let me stay home because of stress.. At the end of the day, my memory repression made me forget all my problems with the help of games and guitar practice lessons every Thursday.. but I went back to school last Friday after staying home and then I was feeling so terrible after a full week of feeling depressed, suicidal thoughts were strong Friday night and the following weekend.. It was then my mother said she didn't want to have anything to do with this anymore and so my dad let me stay home for two days (this Monday and Tuesday) but then mom said I had to go today and the rest of the school days regardless of how I feel. After four days away from it, I had forgotten a lot of issues, but then a trigger.. I saw the girl who is my closest friend, who I haven't been talking to recently in school because of all of this. I haven't hung out with her because the last few times I tried she seemed to completely ignore me, and this is a person I felt so trusted that I promised to always be there for them, to protect them, to help them.. That has been a huge feel with me, whenever I am in a group of people, whether it be friends family or others, I can never think of things to say, my chest gets tight, and whatever I do say seems to always get brushed off by everyone in the group while they continue their conversations, and when I saw her, my heart rate doubled and a bunch of thoughts raced in my head as I walked past her in the hall: Has she seen me? Can I bring myself to say hey? I can't say hey to her, she's lost interest in me as a human being, I mean why else have we stopped hanging out, stopped texting.. Then we passed each other and that was what triggered me having to hold back a waterfall the rest of the day. My work ethic was completely thrown off by an onslaught of depressing memories brought on by the trigger of seeing her again.. Even though we had talked about this via text a few days ago and she said it herself she has been a bad friend lately and she wasn't going to have me be a "side friend".. I still can't bring myself to be with this best friend because she says I can't just keep her all to myself and she wants to hang out with other people too.. Also after those last few instances we met she ignored me as I said.. I might have been fine today being semi distracted with school work, but when I saw her I died slightly on the inside because she brought on a bunch of memories of depressing thoughts and observations

That's one introspection and I hated every second I had to remember it ;-;

[Soundwave-]

Re: Know my story please

My mother says school is more important than my well being...

If there's one thing I would want to say to try and help you, it'd be to tell you how false this is.

There's nothing but your well being.

If you can go another year, another month, even another day, then school is irrelevant in the grand scheme. You can recover from bad grades, you can even recover from dropping out.

But if your well being is being neglected to the point of thinking of turning to suicide, then it may very well be the last thing that matters.

I know telling you this might not help anything directly, but one of the worst things you can do right now (or ever in your life, really) is begin to believe in lies.

[Rapta]

Re: Know my story please

If there's one thing I would want to say to try and help you, it'd be to tell you how false this is.

There's nothing but your well being.

If you can go another year, another month, even another day, then school is irrelevant in the grand scheme. You can recover from bad grades, you can even recover from dropping out.

But if your well being is being neglected to the point of thinking of turning to suicide, then it may very well be the last thing that matters.

I know telling you this might not help anything directly, but one of the worst things you can do right now (or ever in your life, really) is begin to believe in lies.

My father told me if I miss too many days of school then my parents won't receive their social security checks and we will lose our home.. News to me
That really fucking complicates things

unless i was lied to but idek

[Soundwave-]

Re: Know my story please

My father told me if I miss too many days of school then my parents won't receive their social security checks...

I'm doubtful, but I can't claim to know much about social security.


When would you say you're feeling the best?

[gold stinger]

Re: Know my story please

well, there is a short pdf online about social security checks involving children. Look into the information regarding social security checks and children, and create the comparison to your own situation, and you could probably figure out whether they are lying or not.

https://www.socialsecurity.gov/pubs/EN-05-10085.pdf

In my own opinion, and as blunt as it sounds, it feels like they're trying to put the guilt of such an outcome on you, so that they don't lose said support checks. If the situation is great enough, bring it up with them, I probably would if you were serious enough about your own health.

[Soundwave-]

Re: Know my story please

I did a small bit of research and found no connection between school attendance and eligibility for social security benefits. The only relevant requirement seeming to be that you're scheduled as a full-time student, which would be the case in most public schooling situations. That being said, there's entirely different potential consequences for lack of attendance.

This is a time where I would then go to a school counselor, but it would seem that there's some trust issues there.

It's tough.

[gold stinger]

Re: Know my story please

To be absolutely honest with you, I've been sitting here watching the thread pass for the last couple of hours because I've dealt with a lot of depression in my life. I've had lots of fixes to it, I've had lots of returns of it. I've had what I would consider the highest high's and the highest low's that I've seen people chat about on this website, and I've made other people feel from it when I shared about it, and have written at least 3 threads on it. If I were in your shoes, I would rebel against my parents, or start a serious talk with them about it and if they want to escalate it I wouldn't hesitate to raise my voice with the escalation. Straight up, I'd it to them that my life is more important than meeting the demands for their fucking social security checks, or going to school. That I'd rather die than live the torment that I'm living right now, and the way that your mother acts about it isn't helping anything, including herself, which is the only thing I'm hearing.


I've held back on saying this though, because it may be something that you don't want to hear.

I would recommend doing your research. See what the possibilities are. Look into center's yourself, contact them yourself (if you can) and if not, ask your father for maybe some help. If not him, then someone else that you can trust. If your mother intervenes, show what you've done yourself, and how important it is to you. I would like to imagine the conflict that's happening to your parents on this subject because from the sounds of things, they are very divided on it.

Even if you're nervous about doing talking, just force it. Say hello, say you got a bit of a problem, start talking away. It's one of the hardest things to do with depression, and it almost never gets easier. I've had to do it a couple of times for school projects, and it would take me literally an hour or two of hyping myself up to it or prepparing myself for it, because I'd be so scared that I said something wrong, or didn't want the person to get my words tangled up even if I wrote it from script. So if you're having trouble with this, take as long as you need to find that inner confidence in yourself to do it.



On the topic of counseling:

I've been to counseling before, extensively. I will say that it did work for me, but it's very selective depending on who works with you, and it's brutal. You will have to go to one by force from someone else before you start to like one imo, and before you start to really feel serious changes, albeit very dull. It's not magic, it's actually extremely slow. From the day I first took counseling to the day that I stopped counseling, it took a year and a half for things to turn around. And during that time, I was out of school for the entirety of it, and I was 16 years old. If you go to one, they will probably encourage you to go to school, and recommend your parents to put you in there physically, but no one's keeping you from staying there. I dropped school for counseling. I got over my stress & depression faster yes, but later down the road I did get a bit of depression that I was falling behind in school, and my friends were a grade or two ahead of me. It all comes down to how much you want to weigh these options. I don't think counseling will help me again, it may help you though if you believe that it will help.

[ThunderFlip]

Re: Know my story please

After reading through this thread in its entirety, I feel like I should at least offer what little support I can.

As a disclaimer, I will be completely transparent and say that I was raised in a home with two loving parents that, for the most part, got along really well and never did anything that wasn't in my best interest. I've never struggled with suicidal thoughts and only gone through the smallest amounts of depression or sadness that were all very brief and circumstantial. I did, however, have trouble being social from about middle school to late high school. The only "friends" I had would belittle me and bully me for no reason at all. I ended up changing schools when the opportunity came up and met some great people there. Even after all of that, I still can be kind of distant with people and working on my social skills is a matter of daily learning. Anyway, enough about me, just thought I would lay a little background so you can take anything I say with a grain of salt (hopefully I don't say anything accidentally offensive or rediculous).

I really don't know how to gauge the relationship between you and your parents, especially with my bias. I tend to have a hard time grasping the fact that there are a lot of kids that have parents that are either abusive or struggle to care for them properly. Considering the fact that your parents are trying to control which direction you are heading, I think it's safe to say that they care about you. If they literally let you do whatever you wanted with no retaliation, that would be a way worse situation IMO.

So considering the fact that they must care about you, I would say your best bet is to get them to understand your situation and your needs. This is obviously a difficult thing and pretty much takes a lot of patience. My biggest advice is that you need to stay calm and firm when you discuss things with them. Especially if your talks usually end up in raised voices, arguments, or being ignored, I think they will really take notice if you come to them with a serious tone and you don't react in a heated way. It might even freak them out a little bit.

As far as the content of what to tell them, that is going to have to be up to you. I would recommend calmly letting them know that you want to share with them how you are feeling and how you are thinking about your situation. Try to overcome your fear of opening up to them and tell them as accurately as you can how things are for you. If you follow this up with saying that you want help with changing your circumstances, they should have absolutely no reason to deny you help. If you manage all of this while keeping a calm attitude, not cutting them off when they talk, but politely listening to what they have to say and they STILL react with indifference or blatantly tell you that they don't care, then you have a real problem on your hands. At that point, I would seek outside help and take matters in your own hands. I hardly think it will escalate to that stage, but I don't really know your parents so who knows.

If you keep the mindset that your parents love you and are only trying to help, it hopefully will help you remain calm when dealing with them. If it really starts to go south, just stop and politely say something like "I'm sorry, I'm just frustrated right now. I don't want to argue about this, I just want you to see where I am coming from. Can we talk about it later when I've cooled down a little bit?" If you default to admitting that you are the one at fault (even if they are), it will really put a damper on any arguments and will make productive conversation waaaay more likely to happen.

I really wish I had more to give on this subject, I just don't feel like I have enough personal experience to be useful. I've had a pretty close relationship with a couple of people who were having pretty serious suicidal thoughts, but all I really could end up doing in those situations was constantly let them know that I cared about them and offered my ears to listen to whatever they wanted to talk to me about.

As with everyone else, if you really just need a set of ears with no criticism coming back at you, I am always willing to just listen. I'm not the kind of person to spread anything around, either. I just listen and store it in the vault. I can't promise a lot of helpful advice, but if you just need someone to talk to, I'm available.

My personal joy stems from my spiritual relationship with God and the church, but I know that isn't a very popular stance these days, and I don't want to appear like I'm forcing anything on anybody so I'll leave it at that. I just find it works out pretty well for me since it doesn't rely on my current circumstances, and I find it easier to maintain emotional stability and a positive outlook.

EDIT: Oh, and thanks to Icy for that real transparency. It's nice to see people willing to show a little bit of vulnerability for the sake of helping someone else. None of us are perfect and all of us deal with our own crap.

[Rapta]

Re: Know my story please

Somehow the thread was revived.. I had a fear of bringing this up again but I still wanted to talk to the community about this and possibly get help. I might as well do it since it has been revived anyways..
What initially made me depressed were specific situations which I went through. Now I am depressed because of a more general outlook. I've been asking a bunch of deep questions which I could probably figure out an answer to but I hate thinking about things like that because it feels too out of the ordinary and I want to be as ordinary as I can as to not draw a bunch of attention from others whom I do not associate with, but still live an eventful life. I want to socialize but it seems and feels impossible to do.. I want to stop feeling alone but I don't know how I can with the way I am.
I can't think any further at the moment.. I'm exhausted

[AragakiAyase]

Re: Know my story please

Somehow the thread was revived.. I had a fear of bringing this up again but I still wanted to talk to the community about this and possibly get help. I might as well do it since it has been revived anyways..
What initially made me depressed were specific situations which I went through. Now I am depressed because of a more general outlook. I've been asking a bunch of deep questions which I could probably figure out an answer to but I hate thinking about things like that because it feels too out of the ordinary and I want to be as ordinary as I can as to not draw a bunch of attention from others whom I do not associate with, but still live an eventful life. I want to socialize but it seems and feels impossible to do.. I want to stop feeling alone but I don't know how I can with the way I am.
I can't think any further at the moment.. I'm exhausted

Do you think that thinking about these deep, important questions will cause people to perceive you differently? More importantly, if they are even able to perceive your shift in thinking, do you think they will treat you differently? If so and if you don't like the way that they would treat you, don't associate with them. It's far more important to be yourself. Restricting yourself just so you don't draw attention is much more hurtful imo. If you think your depression could be related to a lack of answers to these deep questions, THEN THINK ABOUT THEM. Screw what other people think about you, find those answers so you can be satisfied with yourself.

[AragakiAyase]

Re: Know my story please

(If you want feel free to add me on Skype and we can talk further)

[Rapta]

Re: Know my story please

Do you think that thinking about these deep, important questions will cause people to perceive you differently? More importantly, if they are even able to perceive your shift in thinking, do you think they will treat you differently?

I know that what I think will not be heard or be able to be judged by others, because what I think is in my mind. It's a personal feeling that I am going to lose my humanity or sanity if I keep dwelling on these thoughts, but at the same time, I feel like I won't be able to change anything if I don't understand certain things, and to understand something you need to ask questions and figure them out. If I miraculously achieve a shift in thinking large enough to be noticed by others, then based on everything I have seen, people would talk to me like they do to others.. but if that isn't the case, and I can't fulfill my wanting of others, I don't feel like I could keep on living at that point. There's many different ways to change myself, but if the end result is the same, then I don't think my depression will stop

Restricting yourself just so you don't draw attention is much more hurtful imo.

I think I can classify it as a habit which needs breaking. Or a disability in my thinking where I can't think fast enough to contribute to conversations at a normal pace so I restrict myself completely so I don't have to go through the struggle and frustration that is caused when I try to hold down conversations. I never know what to say, seemingly from my short term memory which causes me to only remember things around me or things being discussed around me, and me being a ponderer, when someone says something, by the time I think of what they said and come up with a reply, the situation has either already become awkward from silence which distracts me and I end up forgetting what I thought about, or they have moved on to another subject and I am behind in what they were saying, OR whomever I am talking to starts talking to somebody else.

If you think your depression could be related to a lack of answers to these deep questions, THEN THINK ABOUT THEM.

I am beginning to have trouble thinking about what is depressing me. I think my brain is repressing these memories. My mother just noticed I was feeling depressed and she told me to sit on the couch and tell her what made me depressed, and I told her I didn't know. Then she said she wished I felt comfortable enough to tell her, but I HONESTLY COULDN'T UNDERSTAND WHY. A LOT OF THE TIME I CAN'T THINK ABOUT IT.
I was only able to explain so much because I wasn't thinking about it directly, I was thinking about it to answer these questions, if that makes any sense..

[AragakiAyase]

Re: Know my story please

I am beginning to have trouble thinking about what is depressing me. I think my brain is repressing these memories. My mother just noticed I was feeling depressed and she told me to sit on the couch and tell her what made me depressed, and I told her I didn't know. Then she said she wished I felt comfortable enough to tell her, but I HONESTLY COULDN'T UNDERSTAND WHY. A LOT OF THE TIME I CAN'T THINK ABOUT IT.
I was only able to explain so much because I wasn't thinking about it directly, I was thinking about it to answer these questions, if that makes any sense..

I think I understand. Sorry if I came off as a bit harsh, I tend to be very direct with these sorts of things. My offer above still stands just fyi