Need help :(

[Red Blaster]

I don't usually share personal stuff with much, let alone with a group of people I don't even know, but I feel if I don't get this out idk..I'll probably implode or something.

So a little back story would be necessary I suppose:

When I was young my father and mother moved us from Norway to the US, meanwhile all of the rest of our family still lives in Europe to this day. At the ripe old age of 5, my father died of cancer. I remember being a kid and visiting him in the hospital and stuff, spending Christmas there and whatnot, but never really understanding what was going on. I actually don't know when I actually realized what had happened, which is strange, but I've since come to accept it. I'd like to say that it doesn't much bother me but even as I write this I'm kind of fighting back emotions, lip quivers and that almost choking feeling when you are going to cry but are trying to fight it I guess?

Anyway that's all besides the point of this post, so after that it really was just me and my mom on our own. We've had visits from family members every so often, but there hasn't ever really been much of a support system there for either of us. So it was just us basically from when I was 5 until I was 19, when I moved out on my own. After I finished high school I basically just wanted to get out on my own, as I'm sure any rebellious teenager does, so I moved off to another city where I was working at the time. My mom would always call and check up on me, see how things were going and making sure that I was alright, but I've never really been one to talk on the phone much (I mostly just stick to "Yeah" "No" and the like) so after awhile the phone calls stopped being so frequent, basically to the point where they were only made if she or I needed something from the other. I've always really felt bad about this, because I knew she was alone for the most part, but I mean I never really tried to think about it too much.

Well..a couple of weeks ago my mom passed away. It was a really sudden thing that hit me out of nowhere. I tried to put on this front for the entire funeral process, but I eventually ended up just breaking down completely. I find myself not really knowing what to do anymore. I feel like everything is pointless and all of that shit. I mean..I don't have a mom or a dad anymore. I don't really have any family that I'm remotely close to, and I no longer have any grandparents. I feel like I'm lost in the world. I've also found that I've been lashing out at anyone who tries to talk to me about it, like friends or co-workers and people my mom knew.

I'm just curious if there is anyone else on here, who has a situation similar to mine who can give some sort advice on how to deal with all of this by myself. I constantly find myself just breaking down left and right when I'm at home now, I even broke down at work and in the car while I was running errands.