M&M battles

[Zerth]

I was wondering if anyone else does this...


Whenever I get a plain package of M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end, I hold M&M duels. Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the "loser," and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round. I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theatre of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world.


Occasionally, I will get a candy that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably, this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions, it gives the candy extra strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment.



When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to:

M&M Mars, A Division of Mars, Inc.
Hackettstown, NJ
17840-1503 U.S.A.

along with a 3x5 card reading, "Please use this M&M for breeding purposes."



This week, they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a free 1/2 pund bag of plain M&Ms. I consider this "grant money." I have set aside next weekend for a grand tournament. From a field of hundreds, we will discover the True Champion. There can be only one.