"Angel" My first love poem

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  • Midnighter
    FFR Player
    • May 2009
    • 49
    #1

    "Angel" My first love poem

    This is my first love poem ever written; if your gonna hate don't. Negative critisizm is fine, but don't be rude or mean.

    I wander through the day,
    My feet walking on air,
    Dreaming of my Angel,
    The one so beautiful and fair.
    This radiant Angel of mine,
    That the good Lord doth bestow,
    On one as unworthy as me,
    How it happened, I don't know.

    Nonetheless I am eternally grateful,
    So lost in my wander and bliss,
    For every now and again,
    She'll grace me with a kiss.
    My loving, caring Angel,
    Who's wing protect me from fears,
    My sweet, gentle Angel,
    Who's feathers wipe my tears.

    She's always there for me,
    Through the good times and the bad,
    She's my funny little Angel,
    The Goddess I never had.
    But, now I do and she's with me,
    And though she's always far away,
    She knows that in my heart,
    There's always a place for her to stay.
    Last edited by Midnighter; 05-15-2009, 02:04 PM.
    Tags: None
    • dore
      caveman pornstar
      FFR Simfile Author
      FFR Music Producer
      • Feb 2006
      • 6317
      #2
      Re: "Angel" My first love poem

      it's not particularly good but I'm sure if you show it to your angel then you'll get laid regardless of its quality

      You comma splice a lot. If you have to, take your words out of the lines and read them like prose and see if it sounds right. If it doesn't, it's not going to sound right as a poem.

      Also the possessive of "who" is "whose" not "who's." There's never an apostrophe in a possessive pronoun.
      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IREnpHco9mw

        Comment

        • Midnighter
          FFR Player
          • May 2009
          • 49
          #3
          Re: "Angel" My first love poem

          Thanks thats the most helpful critisizm i've gotten since.

            Comment

            • Devonaut
              FFR Player
              • Dec 2006
              • 31
              #4
              Re: "Angel" My first love poem

              Besides what dore mentioned, the word "Nonetheless" is usually followed with a comma when used like that. At least...I am used to doing it that way, and I've never gotten marked off for it.

              Another thing. All those commas make it sound like a run on sentence.

              Would you read in a big long garble like such, or would you prefer to read it sweetly, dallying upon each heartfelt word?

              When I read something, I like to add emphasis to certain key parts of it, which may require a pause (denoted by the presence of a period) or some means of a break for effect (the other may be a dash, or so).

              If you read most poetry, you will see the same. They'll use long comma-placed lines, sure...but they do place periods to promote reflection between the stanzas.

              It is a very good effort, though.

              To be commended.

              While erring as it does, it still comes off quite sweetly.

              Unless you truly wish to call it a gem, I suggest merely reading it with a few pauses.

              Your divine seraph won't mind it a bit. ^_~

                Comment

                • 1mpuls3
                  Impulsive By Nature
                  • Jul 2007
                  • 340
                  #5
                  Re: "Angel" My first love poem

                  You say angel way too many times


                    Comment

                    • lord_carbo
                      FFR Player
                      • Dec 2004
                      • 6222
                      #6
                      Re: "Angel" My first love poem

                      You used "doth" amid your distinctly twenty first century English.

                      Most of what you say is stupid and uninspired and doesn't invoke any sort of images or emotions in my head.

                      "Dreaming of my Angel, [...] This radiant Angel of mine," -- Yeah we get it. She's your "angel."

                      "She's always there for me, / Through the good times and the bad," -- There are some cliche lines in this poem but oh man this takes the cake.


                      Poetry will not win you any chicks, bro.
                      last.fm

                        Comment

                        • Vanilla Mnm
                          cavs
                          • Dec 2007
                          • 3258
                          #7
                          Re: "Angel" My first love poem

                          That was beautiful. *sheds a tear*

                            Comment

                            • mead1
                              Cerebellumberjack
                              FFR Simfile Author
                              • Aug 2003
                              • 3960
                              #8
                              Re: "Angel" My first love poem

                              My initial post was very mean, so I'm going to simply say that you used an emoticon in your poem. If it wasn't already boring and cliche, that alone would have made it unfit for viewing by anyone the poem wasn't written for.

                                Comment

                                • mellonxcollie
                                  Sectional Moderator
                                  Sectional Moderator
                                  • Dec 2006
                                  • 1298
                                  #9
                                  Re: "Angel" My first love poem

                                  I liked your old post better. : (
                                  Follow my dog on Twitter: https://twitter.com/Riles_puppy

                                    Comment

                                    • who_cares973
                                      FFR Player
                                      • Aug 2006
                                      • 15407
                                      #10
                                      Re: "Angel" My first love poem

                                      the old post was good lol

                                        Comment

                                        • Midnighter
                                          FFR Player
                                          • May 2009
                                          • 49
                                          #11
                                          Re: "Angel" My first love poem

                                          For those saying i used to many commas, thanks. I'll fix that i never use to think much about it but i will. For those who just rag on it, no thanks. Your opinion isn't wanted. Helpful none hurtful criticism is what i want. I don't care what you have to say if its rude or mean. I'm certainy not going to feel bed from random people on the internet. The girl i gave it to liked it (to bad she turned out to be a royal pain in the ***).

                                            Comment

                                            • lord_carbo
                                              FFR Player
                                              • Dec 2004
                                              • 6222
                                              #12
                                              Re: "Angel" My first love poem

                                              You're posting this for a general audience, so you're implicitly assuming it's at least presentable. But it's not. And by being a little insulting in my critiques I'm venting my frustration at my time wasted. I think it's a fair trade-off.

                                              If you'd listen to us then maybe you'd be a decent writer. Really, this is a bad poem. It's really really bad.
                                              Last edited by lord_carbo; 05-14-2009, 05:28 PM.
                                              last.fm

                                                Comment

                                                • ~kitty~
                                                  FFR Player
                                                  • Jun 2007
                                                  • 988
                                                  #13
                                                  Re: "Angel" My first love poem

                                                  Here's a neat-o poem for you!

                                                  It goes somewhat like this:

                                                  Amidst the vast world of pokemon,
                                                  I think you shouldn't always try being the master,
                                                  it's not always what brings all the boys to your lawn.

                                                  Rethink, evaluate, and analyze...
                                                  Whatever you think buys.

                                                  This was only another silly rhyming poem,
                                                  in which I really have no knowledge of writing.
                                                  But hey, that last line rhymes with biting.

                                                  Feel free to be mean and cruel,
                                                  because I don't really care.
                                                  As long as it will make me laugh, so there.

                                                  ---------------------

                                                  How'd you like my lame made-in-two-minutes poem?

                                                    Comment

                                                    • mead1
                                                      Cerebellumberjack
                                                      FFR Simfile Author
                                                      • Aug 2003
                                                      • 3960
                                                      #14
                                                      Re: "Angel" My first love poem

                                                      I really should have left my original post.

                                                        Comment

                                                        • UnkownMan
                                                          FFR Player
                                                          • Apr 2007
                                                          • 1569
                                                          #15
                                                          Re: "Angel" My first love poem

                                                          I thought it was a good peice
                                                          So calmly written to.
                                                          I've read a lot of poems
                                                          But I've only liked a few.
                                                          You seem to be getting good at it.
                                                          So, I'll leave you with only this.
                                                          Keep on writing neat like this
                                                          And people wont think you're...

                                                          Yeah, I think you've got it.

                                                          BTW: Why'd you edit that post, mead?
                                                          Last edited by UnkownMan; 05-14-2009, 06:33 PM.
                                                          Originally posted by Choofers
                                                          2/10 smoke weed every other day, what up den
                                                          We are the music makers and we are the dreamers of dreams.

                                                            Comment

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