A random poem I made up for my english class.

[25thhour]

Re: A random poem I made up for my english class.

i really like this alot better than the stuff i have wrote

Thanks

[rushyrulz]

Re: A random poem I made up for my english class.

Winter is here,
the weather is clear,
the air, so crisp and cold.

Mountains are covered,
trees are smothered,
like they’re being dressed in gold.

Hitting the slopes,
I know how to cope.
It makes me so consoled.

Flying down the hill,
showing off my skill.
Making me feel so bold.

I know that noon,
will come quite soon
and I will be withhold.

But my board is waxed.
I'm already to go,
escape to my freedom once more.

I made a few changes:

Winter is here,
the weather is clear,
the air, so crisp and cold.

The mountains are covered,
The trees are all smothered,
Like being dressed in gold. <- this line makes no sense since snow is white?
Nature's true beauty be told. *replacement suggestion

Hitting the slopes,
I know how to cope.
It makes me feel consoled.

Flying down the hill,
showing off my skill.
Making me feel so bold. <- This stanza kinda breaks the flow, but it's alright I guess.

NOTE: 2 stanzas in a row ending in something along the lines of "it makes me feel" is a no-no. Perhaps end the first one in "All my grief consoled"

*Flying down hills
Showing my skills
It makes me feel so bold.* Replacement suggestion

I know that noon,
will come quite soon
and I will be withheld. <- Slant rhyme to correct the grammartastrophe
OR: My fun to be put on hold.

But my board is waxed.
I'm all ready to go,
To escape to my freedom once more. <- escape to my freedom seems like an odd phrase

Escape into freedom
Escape to my yearning
Escape to my passion
Escape to the mountain <- my favorite
Escape to the hillside
Escape to my longing
etc.

EDIT: totally just realized that the last line breaks the rhyme scheme. Maybe something like "As my journey begins to unfold."

[rushyrulz]

Re: A random poem I made up for my english class.

Double post for the sake of organization:

My revised edition:

Winter is here,
the weather is clear,
the air, so crisp and cold.

The mountains are covered,
The trees are all smothered,
Nature's true beauty be told.

Hitting the slopes,
I know how to cope.
All my grief consoled.

Flying down hills
Showing my skills
It makes me feel so bold.

I know that noon,
will come quite soon
My fun to be put on hold.

But my board is waxed.
I'm all ready to go,
As my journey begins to unfold.