The only thing I caught was 「これも返してあげるから」 is supposed to be 「これも貸してあげるから」
Also, foreign names use a ・ to split their first name from their last name (For example, イヴァン・ビリービン)
Asides from that, it can't get any better than this. Maybe better than mine because I didn't go over any of my lines lol
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