Cheating in relationships: Keep it secret, or tell?

[poochieCREAM]

Re: Cheating in relationships: Keep it secret, or tell?

trust really is a huge factor in a relationship. break that and all that comes around is jealousy and suspicion. i know i would rather my partner to be man enough to tell me instead of keeping it hidden, and me finding out by myself.
to me, cheating just isnt acceptable in a relationship.

[PlaceboFX]

Re: Cheating in relationships: Keep it secret, or tell?

What really bothers me is that everytime I sign onto the internet I'm bombarded with articles justifying cheating. Allegedly it has the potential to STRENGTHEN a relationship...and makes excuses as to why cheating happens and whatnot. It's ridiculous. I don't care what a person's reasons are for cheating. If you are that lonely, that unfulfilled, that unhappy then end the relationship and move on.

[Sgtzombie.]

Re: Cheating in relationships: Keep it secret, or tell?

Cheating just shows you're not ready for a relationship. Cheating is just another way of saying that you want to be with other people, and not just one. Even if that one makes you really happy, you'd be better off being friends than in a relationship if they mean something to you..

If that made sense..

[GG_Guru]

Re: Cheating in relationships: Keep it secret, or tell?

I had this discussion on another forum, but I wanted to repaste it over here to see what you guys think.

I mainly want to challenge people who think it is better to keep infidelity a secret when it occurs.


"Since when is it fair to betray someone and not tell them that you've effectively destroyed trust? That would imply that trust is only as good as what you reveal, which undermines its very concept in the first place.

Just because most people are weak of character does not mean that the best advice is to simply "accept it" and try to justify cheating as some necessary evil or that somehow it is better to keep cheating a secret when it occurs because "ignorance is bliss." People need to be responsible for their actions. It's not like cheating is some small mistake. It's a huge lapse in judgment, and there's good reason why people hold cheating as a definite dealbreaker in relationships. When people try to find these loopholes to rationalize internalizing their mistakes, it's just a way for them to avoid solving the problem. You're just sweeping everything under the rug and hoping nobody is going to notice.

If people are going to be the best they can be for someone, then admitting to your mistakes is the best route, I would say. To those that would argue "But NOT telling them would make them happiest. To tell them would do nothing but inject negativity and sadness and make everyone worse off," you're not considering opportunity cost. The best decision you can make is to maintain as much trust as you can by coming forth and being honest. At least have the common decency to give the other person the choice to pursue someone else who is more faithful -- THAT would be the best supportive action if you are truly acting out of empathy. To internalize your mistake and keep it secret for the purposes of "maximizing overall utility" as a hedge against your ****up is morally presumptuous and unfair to the person you cheated on, and is by no way acting in their best interests.

People cheat because they're selfish. Selfish actions that betray trust, even when kept secret, are nevertheless damaging."

I'll admit I have mixed feelings about cheating in terms of relationships and sexuality; however like the current top thread mentions, we are biological creatures driven by nature to spread our genes through mating. While I don't feel the need to involve any personal relationship information or details in this post, I do have the following to say:

Human beings are of course biological creatures, we are flesh and blood and as such as are driven by carnal (and natural) urges to procreate. Somewhere down the line of social interaction and societal forming the majority of human beings decided that sexual activity should be limited to one partner. Some believe it should be one and only one for life, others believe sexual activity is an act of emotional love, and still others feel that engaging in sexual activity with someone other then your 'partner' is morally wrong and 'unnatural'.

Monogamy is a tricky subject and in fact new research indicates that NO biological being that we know of is truly driven to monogamy, humans included. Perhaps for social reasons we have evolved to view monogamy as the norm and promiscuity as abnormal but when it comes down to science we are driven to mate.

They have also found that dopamine levels rise during sex (duh), yet dopamine levels rise even more when sexual activity occurs for the first time between new partners (aka lust and sparks). This leads to the obvious conclusion that sex with multiple partners leads to higher levels of dopamine throughout and in theory a happier, more content creature. Is this nature's way of telling us that sex with multiple partners is right?

Like others I admit I question being with only one person at a time when these drives and urges are so strong. I also see how some couples allow sexual partners outside of the relationship, but this is a tricky situation.

[Patricoo]

Re: Cheating in relationships: Keep it secret, or tell?

Quick opinion. I'm not going to read what other people have said since I just wait to voice my mind on this ASAP. My last girl friend cheated on me. Over twelve times with various types of cheating with seven different guys. Once with two guys at the same time.

It makes for a good story.

Basically, no. Don't tell them. Was it a mistake? Was it while you were drunk and nuts? Was it a moment's weakness that you'll never do again? Then don't do it. Cut ties with that bitch and don't ever talk to the person you cheated with, and make it right in own your sense. Seriously, telling them right away with spark a firestorm of hell that can be avoided.

The problem here is that it invokes no punishment aside from guilt, which may endorse more cheating. Well... then your a horrible person. If you messed up, then fix it yourself and don't do it again. Keep doing it and your a terrible mess of a human.

Seriously. Control your penis.

[Nyokou]

Re: Cheating in relationships: Keep it secret, or tell?

Jesus Christ you're all so emo.

See, I would never say that alcohol is an excuse for cheating, under any circumstances. I think you are responsible for your alcohol level as well as the consequences that may result. In general I don't think there is ever an excuse for cheating, really. If you are feeling lonely/not satisfied with the relationship/looking at someone else/whatever, there are better, more mature ways to deal with those situations that don't rely on breaking trust and being dishonest.

But I mean, if your dad indeed cheated, would you prefer that he had kept quiet to your mother or no? (I know you aren't sure about what happened, but what do you think is the better turnout?)

What if you're pressured into drinking by your friends at a party? A party for some huge celebration. Could you really turn down drinks from friends that you trust? And I'm sure that at one point, because you're happy about whatever is being celebrated, you just keep the drinks coming because you're not thinking straight anymore and just imagine if there were women or men at that party that you can't resist talking to or that want to take advantage of you because your girlfriend/boyfriend/spouse might not be there at that particular moment?

Things can get really ugly real fast when people are having "fun" that involves drinking. Humans basically turn into animals when they're drunk and have their needs. Especially one of the most basic instincts, which is to have sex and they are fueled not only from the happy state they were in before but also by the alcohol which distorts the mind.

[~kitty~]

Re: Cheating in relationships: Keep it secret, or tell?

Jesus Christ you're all so emo.



What if you're pressured into drinking by your friends at a party? A party for some huge celebration. Could you really turn down drinks from friends that you trust? And I'm sure that at one point, because you're happy about whatever is being celebrated, you just keep the drinks coming because you're not thinking straight anymore and just imagine if there were women or men at that party that you can't resist talking to or that want to take advantage of you because your girlfriend/boyfriend/spouse might not be there at that particular moment?

Things can get really ugly real fast when people are having "fun" that involves drinking. Humans basically turn into animals when they're drunk and have their needs. Especially one of the most basic instincts, which is to have sex and they are fueled not only from the happy state they were in before but also by the alcohol which distorts the mind.

They aren't your friends if they make you do things.

You do what YOU want... not what other people want you to do.

Then you're just giving yourself up to conformity.

EDIT: and sometimes what YOU want isn't that great... but that's your own responsibility to take care of whatever problems could happen with that.

[4manlovespie]

Re: Cheating in relationships: Keep it secret, or tell?

Well people say its the right thing to do, to let the spouse know, but if you honestly cared about the outcome of your family i would keep it to yourself realize that you made a huge moral punch in the nuts but its life.

[rzr]

Re: Cheating in relationships: Keep it secret, or tell?

Quick opinion. I'm not going to read what other people have said since I just wait to voice my mind on this ASAP. My last girl friend cheated on me. Over twelve times with various types of cheating with seven different guys. Once with two guys at the same time.

It makes for a good story.

Basically, no. Don't tell them. Was it a mistake? Was it while you were drunk and nuts? Was it a moment's weakness that you'll never do again? Then don't do it. Cut ties with that bitch and don't ever talk to the person you cheated with, and make it right in own your sense. Seriously, telling them right away with spark a firestorm of hell that can be avoided.

The problem here is that it invokes no punishment aside from guilt, which may endorse more cheating. Well... then your a horrible person. If you messed up, then fix it yourself and don't do it again. Keep doing it and your a terrible mess of a human.

Seriously. Control your penis.

Because women never EVER cheat.

[robertsona]

Re: Cheating in relationships: Keep it secret, or tell?

your so tibs

[~kitty~]

Re: Cheating in relationships: Keep it secret, or tell?

your so tibs

What does this comment refer to and who?

Be a little more specific...

Is this what you're referring to?

[robertsona]

Re: Cheating in relationships: Keep it secret, or tell?

girls can cheat too fyi

Because women never EVER cheat.

basically yeah

and it was resolved before; they're telling from their point of view, aka a male's.