Christpoher Titus
Posted on: August 10, 2007, at 09:42:18pm

T’was the night before Christmas
And all through the house
Not a creature was stirring
Except the psycho bitch on the couch

I looked pleadingly to my girl
Her face fury red
While visions of me and the double mint twins
Danced in her head

With bile in my throat
And no help in sight
I put on a smile
And my sphincter got tight

This is Rudolph I thought
And turned to argue my case
But I must’ve had a “what’s your problem bitch” look
‘Cause she punched me in the face

I picked up her $300 pradas
The left and right shoe
And out into the street,
Both shoes I then threw

Out the front door she went in hot pursuit
Yeah this girl would chase a designer label
Like a fat guy
After a velour jogging suit

In fear for my life
I locked up the place
Turned my attention to Rudolph
And wish I had mace

When all of a sudden
There arose such clatter
I sprang from the couch
To see what was the matter

I grabbed the cord
Pulled open the blinds
There was Noelle
Quite out of her mind

My heart stopped
Frozen with fear
While she beat on the glass door with a vodka bottle
Filled just ‘bout to here

I knew the window couldn’t much take it
And she was screaming
“Unlock it you bastard
Or I swear I’ll break it”

I couldn’t let her do that
It was a rented place
So I opened the door
And she punched me in the face

So summoning my manhood
From bottom to top
I screamed like a little girl
“I’m calling the cops”

I’d just finished dialing
And she was standing right there
Wearing pearls and those pradas
But otherwise bare

She spoke not a word
But went straight to her work
Reeling me in with that
You’re my-big-daddy-smirk

And I heard her exclaim
As she turned out the lights
You know this is your fault,
I love you too much to fight.