no title ... plz read

[bbe-doll]

the lies
the cries
death and pain
life is a mystery its a strain
fight at day rest at night
soon enough your out of sight
your friend is dead
left with no head
you know why?
because you dident try
running from fears
up and down stairs
you hide your face
leaving no trace
shhh dont make a sound
you dont wanna be found
quick hide under the bed
you keep running like i said
they are comming for you
keep moveing dont think it throu
leave behine all you got
leave all the times you have fought
fight for your life
dont use a gun use a knife
pack up and move away
go to the city turn into a stray
lay low there for a while
change your style
soon this world will be gone
everything dead and done

thats all i got :P

[UnkownMan]

It's okay. It's... well... a little to dark for my liking though.

[BarberFloyd]

Yeah a bit dark. it alright though.

[GamerShadow]

The meter needs to be more consistent. Your first few lines are shorter than the rest, and it creates a bit of awkwardness when reading the poem. Also, there are several spelling mistakes in there. Proofread your work, then focus on reducing the number of words in the second half of your poem.

Other than that, meh it's the usual dark stuff. Good job.

[MalReynolds]

I just get bewildered sometimes. Historians in the future are going to be extremely puzzled that the human race didn't die out, considering how suicidal and love-lorn every teen will seem to them.

[bbe-doll]

Originally Posted by MalReynolds

I just get bewildered sometimes. Historians in the future are going to be extremely puzzled that the human race didn't die out, considering how suicidal and love-lorn every teen will seem to them.

whats that suppose to mean ?

[MalReynolds]

First of all, "supposed" is the right word. "whats that suppose to mean" makes absolutely no sense.

Second of all, most poems written by teenagers are about typical teenage emotion - anger, self loathing, self hatred, and dark, brooding love. It's completely absurd if you ask me. When I was a teenager, I wrote a poem about trees dying and fish. You know what? It was a huge metaphor for the biological clock of a woman. I didn't reference running away, killing someone, cutting myself, the intense pain I feel - because it's all malarkey.

Historians in the future will read what kids your age have written and get the wrong idea entirely. Most poetry written by adolescents reads like a Clive Barker guide to love and self mutilation. Nihilistic view of life.

It's not original. It's not creative. There are only so many ways to rhyme "I suffer, I die, I bleed" before my eyes start to suffer, die and bleed.

I burn, I pine, I perish for an original poem.

[Squeek]

Also spelling would help.

Really hard to take someone seriously when they can't spell.... anything.

Unless the misspellings were a metaphor for how broken and death-ridden and dark and bloody the world is through a happy, well-fed, family-loving American teenager's eyes.

[Demidetirus]

(sighs) Ok, Tibs linked me...Time to get to work.

Ok, no. Just no. I tried correcting it. I'm usually a really nice guy about poetry, even morbid depressive poetry, but it reads more like a badly written rap song than a piece of poetic art. I'm sorry, but this really, really sucks.

What happened to grammar? Seriously? And forget grammar, how about sense? Even in a poem there are designs for pause- the reader has to be able to read it out loud without dying of asphyxiation!

Ok, let me be kinder and more critical about this: The rhymes feel forced. It sounds like a rap song. A badly written rap song.

I beg of you, don't read this and continue, read this and change. Even if you spend the rest of your life writing about death and despair, do it properly, please.

[Flaming_Dingleberry]

Well for the love of God people, this poem didn't hurt anyone.
No need to beat it into the ground.

[MalReynolds]

Originally Posted by Flaming_Dingleberry

Well for the love of God people, this poem didn't hurt anyone.

There is no possible way you could be any more wrong.

[Oni-Paranoia]

You rhymed "Fears" with "Stairs". O.O
Auto-Fail??? or does the rest of it fail it too.

[blackbuterfly451]

Try using spell-check before you post anything on a Lit. forum, otherwise you're just asking for harsh criticism.

[foilman8805]

This is ****ing awful.

Tired, cliche, poor grammar, poor spelling - it literally doesn't get any worse than this. You need to fix all of these things before you post another poem.

[bbe-doll]

Originally Posted by foilman8805

This is ****ing awful.

Tired, cliche, poor grammar, poor spelling - it literally doesn't get any worse than this.

tell you what leave me the fuk alone and mind your own busnis
get a life
u cant leave me alone can you

[robertsona]

it's anyone's business when you post a thread in a forum lmao
it looks like you can't handle criticism very well
also, you should be respectful to veterans like foilman

[Quigly]

Wow that's a cliche poem...choose a topic that hasn't been written about 173954239873 times. mkay?

[bbe-doll]

Originally Posted by robertsona

it's anyone's business when you post a thread in a forum lmao
it looks like you can't handle criticism very well
also, you should be respectful to veterans like foilman

you stfu and leave me alone to

[GamerShadow]

We're sorry, would you like us to congratulate you and put you and your work upon a magical golden pedestal and compliment you on your fantastic masterpiece which shall remain forever unmatched?

Lurk more. It's constructive criticism or bust in the Literature forum. If you can't take it, get the heck out.

[gnr61]

your all dumb
this person is obviously a troll
and a hilarious one at that

it is for the sake of mankind that we cannot allow ourselves to believe this is an actual person