A Poem from an ameteur

[Family_Of_Geniuses]

Hi. I wrote this poem recently. It's not very good, but I felt like it was worth putting up. It's a Christian poem, and as I said, it's not very good, so please don't judge it too harshly! Maybe a little constructive criticism so I can get better.

I love God,
And when others ask why, I smile and nod,
As I patiently explain,
How God took away my pain.
Even though I did nothing for Him,
He died for me and paid for my sins.
He sacrificed Himself for me,
That’s why I love Him, you see.
Though he lived a perfect life,
He died to empty mine of all its’ strife.
My heart is now free,
So now I will serve God with glee,
Knowing he did that,
Though others cursed at him and spat.
He suffered, and died on a cross,
Just to save all of us who were lost.
Therefore, I will go,
Traveling through both rain and snow,
Spreading the good news,
So that others can choose,
To follow God and obey,
Or allow the Devil to lead them astray.
I will speak out, lacking in shame,
I will tell others of Jesus’ name.
Though I may suffer and face hurt,
I will lower myself to the dirt,
To show all what I’ve got,
Something the others do not.
What they don’t own,
Is the love of God, which I have shown,
Through my actions and words,
To both the popular and the nerds,
To the rich and the poor,
For I know that none of them can take anymore,
Of the pain of this world,
I can see their white flags unfurled.
But I will do what I can,
To show every child, woman, and man,
What God has done for us all,
Everyone, big and small,
To show his love,
The greatest feeling that came from God above.
And I show Him I love Him,
By fighting, though I know the chances are slim,
For the salvation of others,
The children and their mothers,
The men and women, the frail and weak,
As well as the confident and meek,
Even these can be saved,
Though all were depraved,
Thanks to God’s great love for us,
All we have to do is give Him our trust,
And we shall be free,
Of this world’s pain and misery.
Call me a Jesus Freak if you will,
I will only listen, silent and still,
But I will be jumping with Joy on the inside,
Setting all of your insults aside,
For I love God, and that’s all that matters,
And I will never let my resolve be shattered.
Either way, being called a Jesus Freak is but a compliment to me,
It reminds me that I’m set apart and free,
Of this world and it’s pain,
And knowing that, I have no need for shame.

[massflavour]

not really a fan of religious lit but that wasn't too bad, certainly an improvement from your previous writing

[tsugomaru]

You should try writing poetry that isn't about loving someone.

~Tsugomaru

[Tokzic]

The rhyme scheme is inconsistant and you completely lose the reader when you end multiple lines in the same word. There is no rhythm whatsoever. A lot of the words you use are at odds with their meaning, implying you don't know what they mean.

Also, as a sidenote, nobody wants you to share your religion with them. Trying to convert people is as good as saying, "I've decided that your religious beliefs, which you have concluded are best for yourself, are wrong! My beliefs are better than yours! Let me show you how!" This is jackassery of the highest degree. People wouldn't ridicule you if you kept your personal beliefs personal and stopped being condescending towards what they believe.

[mead1]

Originally Posted by Tokzic

The rhyme scheme is inconsistant and you completely lose the reader when you end multiple lines in the same word. There is no rhythm whatsoever. A lot of the words you use are at odds with their meaning, implying you don't know what they mean.

I agree with this 100%

Originally Posted by Tokzic

Also, as a sidenote, nobody wants you to share your religion with them. Trying to convert people is as good as saying, "I've decided that your religious beliefs, which you have concluded are best for yourself, are wrong! My beliefs are better than yours! Let me show you how!" This is jackassery of the highest degree. People wouldn't ridicule you if you kept your personal beliefs personal and stopped being condescending towards what they believe.

This, however, I don't care for. I agree with the message, but not posting it here. If someone wants to post their poetry for review by their peers, I couldn't give a damn what it's about. He's not trying to convert people by posting his poem here, so lay off until he tells you to start sucking jesus dick.

[Tokzic]

Originally Posted by mead

I agree with the message, but not posting it here.

I was pointing out my stance with his message, what's the problem with that?

[MalReynolds]

Yeah, well, you're stance is pretty much as blind as his, when it comes to converting. You say that "Nobody" wants to read it, which is an assumption. Just like his, when he sees that "Everyone" needs to be saved, etc.

Come on, dude. Start sucking the J-dick.

[Tokzic]

Originally Posted by MalReynolds

You say that "Nobody" wants to read it, which is an assumption.

Originally Posted by what I actually wrote

nobody wants you to share your religion with them.

Originally Posted by me, being completely politically correct

nobody, with the obvious exception of people who are in a moral crisis and are turning to changing their religious beliefs as a solution, wants you to share your religion with them.

"Nobody" is a hell of a lot closer than "everybody" in this situation.

[MalReynolds]

Stiiilll a sweeping generalization.

[lord_carbo]

Shut up Tokzic. Keep the "**** religion grrr" atheism in the Dawkins Reading Hour.

[Tokzic]

Originally Posted by lord_carbo

ONLY POSITIVE REINFORCEMENT OF THE PIECE IS ALLOWED

HAVING AN OPINION IS FORBIDDEN

sorry chardish please don't ban me

[lord_carbo]

You're criticizing the poem's leaning toward Christianity. There is absolutely no reason for that other than to be an asshole. You do not like it when Christians shove Christianity down your throat. Have you ever even considered applying it the other way around? Who says the poem is even intended for a general audience? Just shut up. Stop being a dick.

[ShastaTwist]

You lust after Jesus?

That's so dirty.

[Sir_Thomas]

-The Fetishes of Shasta-
Part 1: Concluded

[Tokzic]

sinning after that guy who died for your sins

[dore]

yeah that's a terrible word choice lol

[Zythus]

He said it as amateur, its not bad.

I guess brush up to get some more excitement and variety of different ideas portrayed in the poem is my suggestion.

@ the religion fiasco above:
Don't bring all that religion stuff here please, we don't care that you disagree or agree with this poet's point of view, but don't come in here and vandalize his thread. He asked for a critique on his writing, not his beliefs. Thanks.

[All_That_Chaz]

Last I checked, I could write a poem about whatever I wanted. I think I'll write a poem about how your religious views are wrong. Or maybe a poem about soldiers molesting children, or a poem about the Civil Rights Movement from the point of view of a white supremecist group, or anything else that's protected by my first amendment rights.

No offense, Tokzic, you know I love you

Oh, and on the poem, Tokzic basically hit the nail on the head with the first half of his post. You should absolutely write about what you're passionate about, but this needs a lot of work.