Water is Death to Passion

[Hallaloth]

Staring into the red hot fire
Within me blazes a ne’er-ending desire
Warmth billowing all about me
Burning within my veins
Time passes like glowing embers
Softly willing a hand to come close
To stroke the dancing flames
Kindling passion
And momentarily the wonder returns, full force
Returning to a raging fire
But time quenches the coals
And slowly the wonder dies
Drowning water sends up steam, hissing
And the blaze flickers one last time and dies

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'm looking for people to actually go and critique this. If you don't like it, please tell me why. If you like it, give me a reason, don't just say it's great. Mind you this poem has never really been worked on aside from mild edits, I've gone and overhauled it.

[ShAiOnEi]

Why don't you go to a poem critiquing website?

[Ozie-Saf]

Because it's the literature forum?

[Hallaloth]

I have this one up on another site, but I didn't get that many hits, I also like to hit a wider variety of readers and the more places I post things the more feedback I get.

[tsugomaru]

Your lack of punctuation anywhere in the poem throws off the flow.

~Tsugomaru

[Hallaloth]

Originally Posted by tsugomaru

Your lack of punctuation anywhere in the poem throws off the flow.

~Tsugomaru

I don't use punctuation for two reasons:
1. I've never taken an all out grammar course, so I've never been taught the finesse of english grammar despite the fact it's my native tongue

2. Lack of punctuation is my personal style. I've gone for years without out it in my poetry. And if the greats can do it...why can't the regular writer? That's the reason I love literature, all the rules on earth are made to broken and will be.

[Raveren]

I'm no English major, but I'd say you have a nice quality poem there. I like how you consistently use flamelike qualities. Though, if any change, I would say rethink the title. It only has relevance to a few lines and doesn't really hit the heart of the piece.

[intencer]

Impressive poem, but but I don't think it has a steady rhythm, but please correct me if I'm wrong

[tsugomaru]

Punctuation serves as a way to control flow in your poem. Periods would mean a pause in what you have to say. When I read your poem, I do not pause at all because you do not have any punctuation in it. I assume that's they way you would like me to read it and I find the flow to be off.

~Tsugomaru

[Tokzic]

You don't use much indication as to what water is, which is key to the main message you're going for in your poem. Tsug's right in that this could be improved with punctuation. If you've never been taught, here's a basic guide to punctuation in terms of poetry:

"." - end of thought
"," - thought continues - basically used as a pause without consequence
";" - transfer into new thought, but must be related or have significance to prior thought
":" - expansion on previous thought

Punctuation can make or break a poem, and a comma where a period is can entirely change the meaning. No punctuation as a "personal style" is like saying that your personal style for sand castles is only using your hands. You can still, by all means, make great sand castles, but you won't get the fine details people who use tools can get.

Also, it's good to see that you fully appreciate criticism for what it is. You've got a step up on most of the people who post topics here already.

[Hallaloth]

hmm...new title...any suggestions there? I don't even remember when I wrote this, most of poems are written and I end up having to toss a title on there that just kinda comes to mind.

I do understand the importance of punctuation. I write more fiction than I do poetry...but I've always worked best with blank verse....there might be spots in here I can add a pause or two in, but I don't know what to start...I've trained myself, due to multiple english classes that are severely lacking, to take a pause at the end of a line. If I'm doing fine reading I'll then go back and read by way of punctuation...I'm not against punctuation. I've just never had to fine tune anything down, and it doesn't help when teachers don't get adequate feedback either...I've had a lot of teachers say to leave it out and let people read it how they want to.

Does anyone have suggestions where commans and the like could go? I'd prefer no question marks...they look terrible on paper...the question mark needs to die... ... and that was totally random