Im writting a book...

[earth_lord]

Im writting a book and I am going to post every chapter so at least some1 can read it and to get your guys personal opinion I will post every chapter



Anti-virus
Project 2
PROLOUGE
________________

The air was filled with a sweet air, artificial oxygen. Scented with a breathable healthy smell, enough to support everyone on this ship. The year is 5076, the earth was drained of almost all of its resources, the plan for rejuvenating the earth is almost simple, leave the earth, wait until it grows all of its resources, then reoccupy. Luckily by then, we mastered Fire, Water, air, Gravity, and all other natural things earth has made. We also mastered space travel. The theory of there being aliens, were proven wrong, or, not found at all. Technology has shown that nothing is out of reach, every day more and more is made. One thing although that hasn’t been made, is true virtual reality. That was true until September 18, 5075. The first thing they (The Engineers of the New york Fleet No.3) made was a anti-virus program that all you need to do, was put on the pads that reacted to motion, and the goggles, then it was like you were in a new world. Not a wire frame but, a real world. Then all you need to do was spot viruses, they normally appear as wire frames, but some have true shape, normally like a weird creature, others terrifying. Then all you needed to do was pick up the weapons that normally appeared in front of you and, well, fire it. Now it is very harmless, if the virus got to you it would phase right through you. Once you shot them, the virus is deleted. They called it the AV Project 2. And it continued to be a game and a helping way to kill viruses. Harmless, Beatable, Detailed, Multiplayer, Fun, it was the perfect game. Until October 19, one month later, it happened. I can tell you this better then anybody else, because I was on the front line of it all…….

[Problems]

Meh, it's okay. I'd need to hear more to give a good/bad rating.

[Tps222]

Are we talking computer viruses, because that is what I'm assuming. So far it's decent, but you keep refering to "they" "they made it", who's they?

[ruifio894]

I think its pretty good, yes definitly post more.

[XDDRCutieX]

I agree. You need to say who they is. Otherwise it's good so far and you definitly need to post more of the story.
~Rach~

[happychoochoo7]

Originally Posted by XDDRCutieX

I agree. You need to say who they is. Otherwise it's good so far and you definitly need to post more of the story.
~Rach~

You took the words right out of my mouth.

[earth_lord]

The next chapter begins

I also fixed the
"they" problem


Chapter 1

September 18, 5705, a new era of technology was founded, AV Prolect 2. True virtual reality. In the engineering labs on the New York ship fleet NO. 3, people were rejoicing. Scientists and program engineers had completed what none have done before. The next few days would be busy for everybody, because in that same hour it was announced that 11 beta testers, would be allowed into the game. To choose these players would be a very bad decision, so they decided to have post-cards mailed in, and to then draw eleven names.

After hearing this on the news I got, up and scratched my back. It was 9:00 in the morning and the news would repeat constantly. “Today, the 4th winner was chosen, Don Richards, a college student, was surprised to hear about his winnings�. I turned my head in disgust.

I sent 5 post-cards, just some realy cheap, 30 cent piece-of-trash of a card, with all things needed. I really wanted in bad.

Then I turned around only to have my cat look at me funny and say “Don’t resent the lucky.� yes that’s right, my cat talked. A lot of technology was created in the years, including an artifical brain. One that has the mind of a 13 year old, with this, my cat can cook, clean, do my bills, you know, the works. Yet it is still pretty earie to have a sophisticated conversation with my cat, though I’ve got to mention, he makes the best burgers I have ever had. My cat is a black cat, in which for the hell of it, I named lucky. He has a weired a personality, but hes a cat so that’s not much of a surprise. “I know lucky, its just that I really want in, you know? I said

Did I mention my name is Arnold Minnos? I myself am in high school, and a dedicated gamer to boot. I am 15 and in the 9th grade. My parents are rich, but always busy so I stay most my time home playing video games, or watching TV. I am a stuborn kid when it comes down to it, and im really skinny. I have brown hair and brown eyes and I wear contacts.

“I know,� said Lucky, “but you must be patient, your time will come.� (Oh great now my cats a prophet) “Whatever� I said and got back to my precious television, when a new headline appeared, talking about the fifth winner, and would you know, they called my friends name.

[pfff]

Dude your story is like freaken awesome, if you got it published i would surely buy it.

[XDDRCutieX]

It's pretty good so far. Keep it coming. =D
~Rach~

[The_Q]

Myeh. Mal owns you.

Q

[Spazzbite]

I would read it, but you couldn't even spell "writing" correctly in the title, so I'm not going to read it.

[MalReynolds]

This type of story would be better suited to a graphic novel. Setting in the future would justify most of the wonky bullshit you have going on that makes no sense (Talking cat that does bills? WTF?), and then you could make the cat ULTRA-CUTSEY and draw in the crowd that doesn't care what it reads because all it is is a bunch of buzzwords thrown togethter. With a talking cat.

If you really want it (I'm sure you don't) I'll go very in depth about what changes need to be made. Also, your chapters are unbearabley short and the opening is very remenscent of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. And you overuse commas.

"I've, got, a, golden, post, card, I, can, play, the, video, game, now."

Mal

PS: After having just finished the first chapter... If you could call it that, I've encountered a problem. Not your boy winning a chance to play the game, I saw that coming a mile away. Changing the charachter of the cat after you already established that it has the mind of a thirteen year old, you have now made it some kind of wise-man, whom I'm sure will turn up later spouting more over-used terminology.

Also, what kind of a thirteen year old can do taxes? And what kind of a cat can cook dinner? It doesn't have opposable thumbs. Your future is very dumb.

[earth_lord]

I guess i'll save the winning for later on ill change it

[Tps222]

Well, I bet 13 year olds are much smarter 3k years from now. There's nothing from with personification in a futuristic fiction novel. I agree with Mal on the overuse of punctuation though, realx with that, othewise, decent story so far.

[LEGO]

hay gyz im writtin a story

Don't even attempt it if you can't spell the word 'writing' man.

You like to use commas a lot. KISS is a strategy that would do well for you here.

edit: oh yeah, palindrome post lol

[VxDx]

it fucking sucks

[BluE_MeaniE]

Originally Posted by happychoochoo7

You took the words right out of my mouth.

Originally Posted by Meat Loaf

Oh, it must have been while you were kissing me.

[TheAppleEater]

I think its a good story... but i noticed a few things that should have been thought out a little more... You kept saying it is a very advanced time 3000 years in the future and tons of things have been invented... but hes watching an old tv wearing contacts? it seems in 3000 years, at the rate that television is going now, we would have something much more adnvanced than just the old box. Like a in fahrenheit 451 the wife was a part of a "family" that was actually an interactive tv that took up an entire wall of the room, and then later on she upgraded to all four walls. And contacts? We are already getting into the age of contacts... I think something better well be around in 3000 years. Like permanent contacts or even do it yourself laser surgery that you can pick up at the dollar store.

Oh and also about the currency... I dont know if in your story the world unites to save the planet but would they still be using american currency? and if they were, 50 years ago it cost like 10 cents to go to the movies and now it costs 10 bucks...

But anyway i dont mean to sound mean, its a fantastic story so far and i cant wait to read more... but my advice wouldnt be to worry about spelling, grammar and punctuation... you can have some one edit it later... My advice to think about every detail that you put into the story and make sure every thing fits... so no one can say "well if this is like this, then..."

Keep writing!
Logan

[earth_lord]

Originally Posted by TheAppleEater

I think its a good story... but i noticed a few things that should have been thought out a little more... You kept saying it is a very advanced time 3000 years in the future and tons of things have been invented... but hes watching an old tv wearing contacts? it seems in 3000 years, at the rate that television is going now, we would have something much more adnvanced than just the old box. Like a in fahrenheit 451 the wife was a part of a "family" that was actually an interactive tv that took up an entire wall of the room, and then later on she upgraded to all four walls. And contacts? We are already getting into the age of contacts... I think something better well be around in 3000 years. Like permanent contacts or even do it yourself laser surgery that you can pick up at the dollar store.

Oh and also about the currency... I dont know if in your story the world unites to save the planet but would they still be using american currency? and if they were, 50 years ago it cost like 10 cents to go to the movies and now it costs 10 bucks...

But anyway i dont mean to sound mean, its a fantastic story so far and i cant wait to read more... but my advice wouldnt be to worry about spelling, grammar and punctuation... you can have some one edit it later... My advice to think about every detail that you put into the story and make sure every thing fits... so no one can say "well if this is like this, then..."

Keep writing!
Logan

Im taking what you say into consideration and will change alot of things

[earth_lord]

Heres a revised version of chapter 1 tell me what you think



Chapter 1

September 18, 5705, a new era of technology was founded, AV Prolect 2. True virtual reality. In the engineering labs on the New York ship fleet NO. 3, people were rejoicing. Scientists and program engineers had completed what none have done before. The next few days would be busy for everybody, because in that same hour it was announced that 11 beta testers, would be allowed into the game. To choose these players would be a very bad decision, so they decided to have post-cards mailed in, and to then draw eleven names.

After hearing this on the news I got, up and scratched my back. It was 9:00 in the morning and the news would repeat constantly. “Today, the 4th winner was chosen, Don Richards, a college student, was surprised to hear about his winnings�. I turned my head in disgust.

I sent 5 post-cards, just some realy cheap, 30 cent piece-of-trash of a card, with all things needed. I really wanted in bad.

Speaking of money, in the year of 5689, a mass riot was produced, money was becoming so useless, rocket fuel (The gasoline that was currently being used in those times, but now we use a form of orange matter energy) became so very costly, many burned a substantial amount of money, so president Lincoln the 5th ordered that money creation would cease thus money had once again had worth from 2700 years ago;

Then I turned around only to have my cat look at me funny and say “Don’t resent the lucky.� yes that’s right, my cat talked. A lot of technology was created in the years, including an artifical brain. One that has the mind of a 13 year old, with this, my cat can cook, clean, do my bills, you know, the works. Yet it is still pretty earie to have a sophisticated conversation with my cat, though I’ve got to mention, he makes the best burgers I have ever had. My cat is a black cat, in which for the hell of it, I named lucky. He has a weired a personality, but hes a cat so that’s not much of a surprise. “I know lucky, its just that I really want in you know? I said

Did I mention my name is Arnold Minnos? I myself am in high school and a dedicated gamer to boot. I am 15 and in the 9th grade. My parents are rich, but always busy so I stay most my time home playing video games, or watching VHS, (Virtual Holographic System) which is basically a circular television and you can look from nearly every point of view. I am a stuborn kid when it comes down to it, and im really skinny. I have brown hair and brown eyes and I wear contacts. Contacts have truly evolved, more like a new way of seeing things. Most Contacts come with a button that sticks mainly to skin, in which pushed, changes the focal point of your eyes even reducing or enhancing the size of your pupil. Some even come with night and heat vision.

“I know,� said Lucky “but you must be patient, your time will come.� (Oh great now my cats a prophet) “Whatever� I said and got back to my precious Holosys, when a new headline appeared, talking about the fifth winner, and would you know, they called my friend Mike.