Need help :(

[Red Blaster]

I don't usually share personal stuff with much, let alone with a group of people I don't even know, but I feel if I don't get this out idk..I'll probably implode or something.

So a little back story would be necessary I suppose:

When I was young my father and mother moved us from Norway to the US, meanwhile all of the rest of our family still lives in Europe to this day. At the ripe old age of 5, my father died of cancer. I remember being a kid and visiting him in the hospital and stuff, spending Christmas there and whatnot, but never really understanding what was going on. I actually don't know when I actually realized what had happened, which is strange, but I've since come to accept it. I'd like to say that it doesn't much bother me but even as I write this I'm kind of fighting back emotions, lip quivers and that almost choking feeling when you are going to cry but are trying to fight it I guess?

Anyway that's all besides the point of this post, so after that it really was just me and my mom on our own. We've had visits from family members every so often, but there hasn't ever really been much of a support system there for either of us. So it was just us basically from when I was 5 until I was 19, when I moved out on my own. After I finished high school I basically just wanted to get out on my own, as I'm sure any rebellious teenager does, so I moved off to another city where I was working at the time. My mom would always call and check up on me, see how things were going and making sure that I was alright, but I've never really been one to talk on the phone much (I mostly just stick to "Yeah" "No" and the like) so after awhile the phone calls stopped being so frequent, basically to the point where they were only made if she or I needed something from the other. I've always really felt bad about this, because I knew she was alone for the most part, but I mean I never really tried to think about it too much.

Well..a couple of weeks ago my mom passed away. It was a really sudden thing that hit me out of nowhere. I tried to put on this front for the entire funeral process, but I eventually ended up just breaking down completely. I find myself not really knowing what to do anymore. I feel like everything is pointless and all of that shit. I mean..I don't have a mom or a dad anymore. I don't really have any family that I'm remotely close to, and I no longer have any grandparents. I feel like I'm lost in the world. I've also found that I've been lashing out at anyone who tries to talk to me about it, like friends or co-workers and people my mom knew.

I'm just curious if there is anyone else on here, who has a situation similar to mine who can give some sort advice on how to deal with all of this by myself. I constantly find myself just breaking down left and right when I'm at home now, I even broke down at work and in the car while I was running errands.

[psychoangel691]

I'm very sorry for your loss. I can't say that I can relate to your exact situation, but I can understand how you're feeling. I do know a few people who have lost both parents, and it's one of the hardest things in the world to deal with.

I know it can be hard to open up and not push people away, but there are people here for you that you can talk to. Many of us have dealt with major life struggles. If you ever do want someone to just vent to you can talk to me. I know we've had our differences on the forum as of late but that doesn't mean anything on a personal level.

[gold stinger]

Sounds like class-A depression, given my current situation, the helpline people recommend seeing a psychiatrist, family counselor (even if it's just by yourself), or regular solo (private) counselor to help cope with your issues. It sounds like you're having moments of realization every now and again and it's causing a disturbance within your own life. I had to go to counseling back when I was 14-16 because my father separated from my mother and they fought over me, right in front of me. My father was also a jerk because he left me with my mother to take care of me & my brother, and then turns around and sues her when he makes 3x more money than her.

Can't really say much on this, other than I think you might need some people to talk to, and try to get depression under wraps, and maybe go out and do something nice to occupy yourself. I bet there's plenty of places / hotlines you can call in the U.S. that can support you through this kind of stuff, and it doesn't make you any more different of a person to call those types of places.

I'm sorry to hear about your loss. If I had lost mine, I would be just as scared & lonely in life, because I don't really have a father anymore that cares in the same way.

[Xiz]

Originally Posted by psychoangel691

Many of us have dealt with major life struggles.

All of us are in the same boat, but very different boats at the same time. We all have lost, and suffered. Remember, if you ever need anything just drop us a line.

[Red Blaster]

Originally Posted by gold stinger

Sounds like class-A depression, given my current situation, the helpline people recommend seeing a psychiatrist, family counselor (even if it's just by yourself), or regular solo (private) counselor to help cope with your issues. It sounds like you're having moments of realization every now and again and it's causing a disturbance within your own life. I had to go to counseling back when I was 14-16 because my father separated from my mother and they fought over me, right in front of me. My father was also a jerk because he left me with my mother to take care of me & my brother, and then turns around and sues her when he makes 3x more money than her.

Can't really say much on this, other than I think you might need some people to talk to, and try to get depression under wraps, and maybe go out and do something nice to occupy yourself. I bet there's plenty of places / hotlines you can call in the U.S. that can support you through this kind of stuff, and it doesn't make you any more different of a person to call those types of places.

I'm sorry to hear about your loss, If I had lost mine, I would be just as scared & lonely in life, because I don't really have a father anymore that cares in the same way.

Yeah, reading your post was one of the main things that got me writing this, so I thank you for that. I've been trying to just keep it all to myself as I feel like if I tried seriously talking about it with one of my friends they'd go through the motions and stuff, but, for the most part just kind of not really care.

When I was younger I saw therapist and counselors all the time to try to deal with the death of my dad, but I don't think they ever really accomplished much. In my high school days I had a few bouts of severe depression and was actually put into a care center for it, but these feelings now don't feel anything like that. It's more so a lack of anything for the most part, I feel empty, my life feels empty. Sure I get times where I do get sad, but I certainly wouldn't go as far as saying depressed. Like for instance the other day I had to go through my phone contacts for someone names Monica, which meant I had to pass Mom and that triggered something.

[gold stinger]

Have you tried maybe reaching out to other parts of your family yet that are still in Europe? Or do you have absolutely no idea where they are in life right now? Might be a good idea to see if you can talk about things with one of them or not, even if they don't entirely know you. You said you sometimes got family visits every now and again during your life. You never know what might happen in the future, you might be offered to come stay with another part of your family in Europe to help you in getting yourself back together.

[dAnceguy117]

Sometimes venting to semi-strangers is the perfect outlet. A bunch of friends are here to talk things out and lend each other a hand when shit gets tough. I feel like that's what a small internet community should be about, and I'm glad that you're willing to open up.

I can't imagine what you're going through emotionally, and I'm so sorry to hear what has happened. One thing comes to mind which I firmly believe: bottling up sad feelings and thoughts really does hurt. If you feel like you're fighting back tears at times, I think you should stop fighting and let those emotions manifest themselves, provided you're in a safe space at the time. Don't be afraid to get greedy when it comes to receiving hugs, either. That's one thing in this world that comes free of charge.

Hope I can catch you on Skype soon, if you're up for a chat. Take care, and keep in touch if you can find the time.

[Red Blaster]

Originally Posted by gold stinger

Have you tried maybe reaching out to other parts of your family yet that are still in Europe? Or do you have absolutely no idea where they are in life right now? Might be a good idea to see if you can talk about things with one of them or not, even if they don't entirely know you. You said you sometimes got family visits every now and again during your life. You never know what might happen in the future, you might be offered to come stay with another part of your family in Europe to help you in getting yourself back together.

Yeah I've gotten in contact with them, just to give them the details and whatnot. But the response I've gotten was kind of a "Oh, well that's unfortunate" type of thing. Maybe that's just how I'm perceiving it, but I haven't had a lot of anything from them other than "We're so sorry". I actually got a card in the mail from my aunt that just had "XOXO Aunt Susan" and then the generic card quote.

Originally Posted by dAnceguy117

Sometimes venting to semi-strangers is the perfect outlet. A bunch of friends are here to talk things out and lend each other a hand when shit gets tough. I feel like that's what a small internet community should be about, and I'm glad that you're willing to open up.

I can't imagine what you're going through emotionally, and I'm so sorry to hear what has happened. One thing comes to mind which I firmly believe: bottling up sad feelings and thoughts really does hurt. If you feel like you're fighting back tears at times, I think you should stop fighting and let those emotions manifest themselves, provided you're in a safe space at the time. Don't be afraid to get greedy when it comes to receiving hugs, either. That's one thing in this world that comes free of charge.

Hope I can catch you on Skype soon, if you're up for a chat. Take care, and keep in touch if you can find the time.

Sorry I haven't ever really been on much lately, I might get on a bit later today though