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Old 01-10-2011, 01:18 AM   #1
ghost-
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Default Story of my life

It's finally f*ckin' snowing in Spalding, NE. Has been for like 4 hours now! It just keeps comin', piling on and on and on! >=(

Why am I angry about this? I'll tell you why...
*BIG BREATH*

I'm in the Army Reserves ya see and in the USAR (united states army reserves) there is a thing called "Drill" where each soldier must go one weekend out of every month. This Friday - Sunday was my drill weekend this month. I'll spare you the details of what we did because the HILARIOUS part comes when I'm headed home!
My Drill station is 4 hours away from my home. (it's the closest my recruiter could get) I have to take I-80 there and back blah blah blah lotta fun really cool pitch black interstate at 4 in the morning blah blah.
Okay so I'm headed back today and I get off the interstate into Grand Island. The effing second I enter G.I. I see BK so I'm like aw hell yes so i get some damned Burger King. All this time the weather has been freakin HORRIBLE like snowy and windy and all that shit yeah yeah. (it's like blizzarding out)

K so I finish my BK and I'm on highway 281 which is a straight shot to my town of 500. The MOTHERDAMNED second I get on 281 my nose starts to bleed, and not like a small bleed where you can just sniffle for a while and it'll dry up, NO. It's like a god damned FOUNTAIN and I can't stop that shit. I have no time to find the napkins at this point because the fucking road is GONE and all I see is WHITE EVERYWHAR so I need to keep my eyes on the....road?...yeah. Well i used my p.o.s. bag that I got for a second and I'm like, "wtf am i doin?" so now I got blood all over the damned BK bag so I whip out the wrapper from my chicken sandwich and use that for a brief moment before I drop the damned thing and blood gets ALL OVER MY NEW COAT I GOT FOR CHRISTMAS. So now I'm like, "FFFUUUUUCCKKK". (i'm keeping one hand on the wheel this whole damned time while looking up and down repeatedly mind you) I say f*ck it and look away from the massive white road/sky/everything and rip some napkins from underneath my center console thing.
k got some freakin napkins, so I put that shit up to my nose and god damn what a relief! the blood's soaking through cuz like I said it's a damn fountain and my right hand is completely covered in blood, so I look at the rear view mirror real quick-like to see my face and HOLY HELL. It looks like I got punched in the face by motherf*cking mike tyson. MIKE TYSON. blood all over my lips face nose a little on the cheek yadda yadda. So I look like I got the shit beat outta me and I'm trying to steer this effin' Buick Century with no treads on the damned tires and I'm like in 4 inch deep snow. Imagine that.

alright so I eventually got to an O.K. spot on the road and took the chance to rip a piece of napkin off and twist it up and get into my nose. y'know, like a clog thing yeah whatever. alright so my right hand is still bloody as shiiiiiit and my fucking coat has blood drips on it which have dried, my mouth has like a ring of blood around it, the goddamned weather is miserable, this day sucks now. I make it to about 2 miles away from a town called St. Paul, which is where I plan a quick stop so i can get cleaned the fuck up >__>.

GUESS WHAT.

GUESS FUCKING WHAT.

I'm drivin' along goin' like 30 mph with this other car behind me and I'm doin' alright now, only got 2 miles to go, mhmm doin' good. I can get a little gas and clean up and I'll be happy. NO FUCKING WAY SONOFABITCH NATURE ASS TARD.

I'm coming up to a railroad track alright? picture you in this car and you got a railroad track about....50 feet away, ditches on either side yeah yeah. Well as I'm trucking along at a beastly speed of 30mph I happen to get yanked to the fucking left by god knows what. Now i'm like, "ohfuckohfuckohfuckohfuck", as I'm sliding sideways IN THE OTHER DAMNED LANE GOING THE WRONG WAY WHAT. Don't worry, I'm no noob, I didn't slam on the brakes like a fuck OR hit the gas like a fuck. I actually just held the steering wheel steadily as I tried to navigate this 30mph moving spinning sliding vehicle of doom. I can only imagine what's going through the other guys mind in the car behind! Well I can't do SHIT because I have no god damn traction on my damned tires cuz my cars a p.o.s. only for A to B purposes damn it. and besides there's 4 inches of fucking SNOW piled on the highway. So here I am sliding sideways/backwards going through the other lane. The car then hits the ditch, whoopedy damn doo! I slide backwards into the ditch like a bat outta hell. I ram the side of the car into this hill, snow's flying everydamn where and I don't know what the hell to do but just SIT there for christs sake! So the drivers side door is facing the highway, I'm jammed against this hill in this ditch, and my rear is by a little ditch cutoff cuz there's a little driveway behind me. "Shit." is what I say. just "shit"

The guy pulls over all nonchalantly, I get out all nonchalantly and yaknow what I say? DO YOU?! I say, "how was it?" with this big ol' goofy ass smile as I walk up to his car from mine. The damned snow in the ditch reaches halfway up my calfs. He says it looked wild and being as my phone happened to break the night BEFORE this (god damn what the fuck!?), I ask to borrow his phone, I call my mom (who's DRUNK for chrissake) and she's with a friend named Bob (cool guy) and i'm like, "thank god". It's agreed that they'll pick me up in St. Paul and i'm like, "cool".

GUESS WHAT.
GUESS FUCKING WHAT.

The guy's car is goddamned full of this new effin' RUG he just bought, so there's absolutely NO room in this asshole's car! (he was alright though) Thankfully this Suburban pulls up and this guys like, "EVERYTHING OKAY HURRRRR" and we're like, "yeah yeah" so I get in with the suburban guy and his wifey, son, and daughter. They take me to a Sinclair where I was agreed to be picked up. I wait there for a damned HOUR being looked at awkwardly by people before I realize my damned face is still bloody as SHIT. I wash up in the disgusting bathroom and when I come out my mom's waiting for me. "lesh go" "k whatev" I get in with bob and mom, we go see the "wreck". mom spouts some bullshit about how she's so amazing at driving blah blah by the way the fucking car? Y'know that blue buick century? YEAH IT'S COVERED IN SNOW YOU CAN HARDLY TELL IT'S THERE. I CAN ONLY IMAGINE WHAT ALL THIS SNOW WILL DO TO IT NOW. GOOD THING I GOT THE KEYS AND LOCKED IT DURR HURR gonna havta dig that shit out with fucking shovels tomorrow GOD DAMN IT. U MAD YEAH I'M MAD >=(

I'm home. My mom's now gone and I'm home alone with dr pepper and poptarts. I have to repay Bob 30 fucking dollars for him picking me up "out of the kindness of his soul" I have to figure out how i'm gonna get some friends to pull me out, and I have clean these god damn horrid blood stains out of my coat which are pretty much EMBEDDED in my coat...

tl;dr bloody nose, wrecked car, semi-ruined new coat, broken phone. (Sympathy pl0x no I j/k)




Any stories you guys would like to tell so I don't feel like the fucking world hates me right now? >__>


By the way sorry for the long as sh*t story, just read the damn thing it's midnight and you're sitting in front of a damn computer, just read it.
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Old 01-10-2011, 01:37 AM   #2
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Default Re: Story of my life

It would have made more sense if you said you crashed then blooded started flowing out of your nose. In the process, blood got on your new coat, possible ruining it. Also, your phone broke in the process in wrecking. But how does your phone break in the process of a wreck? Were you texting or talking on the phone or did it happen to just fall out of your pocket?

All of the possible scenarios.

edit: I forgot to include that I was laughing the entire time reading this.
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Old 01-10-2011, 01:45 AM   #3
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Default Re: Story of my life

bloody nose: who cares
wrecked car: that sucks, but you'll live
ruined coat: who cares
broken phone: get a new one

(going off the tl;dr, cuz that's really long)

My story: Yay it snowed, I get a snow day yippee skippee, go nebraska go.

EDIT: read the whole thing. protip: don't drive in blizzards.
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Last edited by rushyrulz; 01-10-2011 at 01:52 AM..
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Old 01-10-2011, 01:48 AM   #4
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Default Re: Story of my life

no no you fool i had a nose bleed waaaay before the crash

no no you fool my phone broke the day BEFORE the crash

no no you fool it was INTENDED to be funny
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Old 01-10-2011, 01:53 AM   #5
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Default Re: Story of my life

Lol this story is full of win; and I got some good laughs in. On the serious note: That would suck MAJOR balls. You just got life-raped. Do not pass GO, do not collect 200 dollars. I get nosebleeds like that too. I don't get many, but when I do they're Niagra Falls status.

But now you have an epic story to add to the list. When you grow old wouldn't you rather have crazy experiences like this instead of a boring, normal life.
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Old 01-10-2011, 09:08 AM   #6
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Default Re: Story of my life

I love not having the swear filter anymore.
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Old 01-10-2011, 09:16 AM   #7
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Default Re: Story of my life

whoa

my piss froze onto a tree
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Old 01-10-2011, 10:45 AM   #8
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Default Re: Story of my life

Sounds like a very bad day...Sorry man.
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