life story thread

[Dinglesberry]

i havent read this thread for like 2 days ayo whats gud

[Dinglesberry]

ah fuck, i didnt mean to get everyone angry at one another

reading choofs post actually struck pretty close to home... somehow our life situation is eerily similar, honestly its fuckin weird, even the brother who used steroids and solved things with violence... honestly its sort of chilling to read it and think of my own experiences.. i dont mean to trivialize ur own by saying mine are equal, since i havent experience yours, but still

firstly, my parents aren't divorced but they may as well be. theres nearly constant fighting every single day, to the point where i need to mute my microphone nearly every day to avoid having people im talking to hear it. at this point it shouldn't be my concern since i should just leave and move out but even so it still hurts me

secondly and unrelated but its rude to call xelyna a charter since i do also make charts and chart alot, sure my files are garbage but making them and playing them makes me happy so i dont care, i understand people dont play them or if they do they think its just a joke made to farm "le etterna rating xD" but that was never my goal and even if thats what they accomplish i dont care

thirdly im a complete dumbass and seemed to mix up funnygurl with zeldafangirl or whatever in terms of it just posting to feel better about themselves and im sorry for that, im actually really dumb and mix people up alot but im sure you can see how id confuse them since they both have girl in their name (not justification but im stupid and cant think sometimes, i guess based on my justification id mix them up with drizzle too but drizzle is way too wholesome for that to ever happen xd)

fourthly it really upsets me to see that my stupid bullshit ended up making choof feel bad because despite not caring about myself at all, for some reason i care about other people and how they feel alot, i still remember how i messaged choof on twitter a while back after he seemed sad or whatever and im not trying to say that im some moral justice person, i just legitimately cared about him, so for him to get targeted because of defending this community against me, regardless of how he goes about it, really upsets me and does make me feel like shit

fifthly if you actually think

Originally Posted by TC_Halogen

The fact that you cited choof as a "flaming asshat" and dingles as fine within the context of this thread is ridiculous. He went after dingles for targeting the OP of the thread in a completely unnecessary and emotionally harmful way.

im sorry but ur naive to think the goal of my post was to target the OP in some emotionally harmful way, if u actually think its emotionally harmful then ur essentially assuming that funnygurl cant take any sort of criticism or whatnot (even if my criticism was baseless and worthless), which if anything to me makes me think that you feel they cant handle it

sixthly (idk if this is even a word this post be going on too long), i do realize that im a piece of shit and generally unlikeable, and i won't deny it... i did feel quite upset when choof told me to randomize my password and never post or log in again, but at the same time i can understand where he's coming from... its always difficult to just force yourself into some community, especially when its so tight knit... i think alot of people here really love choof and care about him, and im sure people here also feel the same for me, but at the same time i know i can be an asshole sometimes and be rude to people..

if anything, its a reflection of my lack of self esteem and self worth, I think that i feel that sometimes i need to be the most abrasive and offensive i can possibly be to have anyone care about me and thats a bad thing and not a good trait to have, and i'm sincerely sorry for it. at the same time, i feel (i always assume things and really shouldn't assume how other people feel because understanding emotions is hard for me) that choof also maybe feels a somewhat similar way, maybe not the same in terms of goal etc but when i see him defending his community of friends and people he cares about, the way he goes about it gets to me alot not gonna lie, and it makes me feel quite sad and reflect on myself, because for some reason it feels relateable

anyways I can't words anymore but I apologize for being an asshole and starting this drama and think that we should all just move on and i hope that you can all forgive me

also eighthly i guess, my profile has been closed for nearly a month or two and its unfortunately not related to FFR at all but ya

[samurai7694]

Originally Posted by Dinglesberry

sure my files are garbage but making them and playing them makes me happy so i dont care

I can relate to this myself actually lol. back when FFR had the simfile database, I was obsessed with the idea of posting your own charts to have it displayed on the old R2 engine and that was enough for me to be content even when it wasn't officially in the legacy engine, through submissions and whatnot. and it took me from... idk 2007 until 2011 to actually get a chart accepted.

Originally Posted by Dinglesberry

despite not caring about myself at all, for some reason i care about other people and how they feel alot

damn.... this one hits home. in my case, it's really just been the upbringing of my family. I was basically told to feel certain ways on what THEY felt was correct, and while my grandmother had good intentions it was extremely important for me, sister, and cousins to care about other people and include them in activities like watching disney movies together and stuff.


*sigh*

at the very least I think everyone should know that my thirst for rank 1 in this game came from a "walter white/heisenberg" type of scenario, aka wanting pto feel important and tohave validation. I was molested at 11. She was female and preyed on my naive, small body and to make it worse the boys at school would just laugh and ask why I didn't enjoy it. one of them abused me physically and emotionally, and knew I wouldn't leave them because otherwise I'd be sitting alone at lunch and shit.

high school, failed to get into the school I wanted for string orchestra so that hurt my ego, this was when I swapped from cyrx900 to samurai7694. felt i was better than the new orchestra program that was in the other high school i ended up at. I had a near death experience when a car directly hit me at a 4 way stop. idk how I survived tbh sometimes I wish I didn't. fell truly in love for the first time and I fucked it up. got caught with marijuana by parents. started cutting myself. gained weight. later that year I found out I would be failing high school. wanted to end my life by OD. suicide watch (known here as florida baker act), I didn't even socialize with the other kids so I was a loner there too. never took antidepressants to this day. really the main thing to give me any sort of confidence was genuinely caring for others and making strong friendships and just challenging myself in SM/FFR which gave me the praise and attention that I craved from my family. I to this day can't even tell them about my depression and suicidal thoughts because it's too hard for them to listen, and they used to think I was faking it to get out of school or to manipulate them. my true self does call for being a class clown as I was in elementary school, bonding with people, quality time means so so much to me even like discord inv for movie nights or something. but my personal issues get in the way of me wanting to be more approachable because my neutral face and body language shows someone who's damaged and crying on the inside.

I am leaving out a LOT of details, a LOT of names, and a LOT of what goes on in my head on a daily basis now because it does involve a ton of FFR members. most of them still active members. but I just want to put it out there that I struggle to even come back to FFR (even though I instinctively check it every day now), because I feel a lot of old relationships have been killed off and some old friends I tried reaching out to either want nothing to do with me or see me in a bad light in some way. but I am thankful for the friends that I still have now and even if I don't care if today's my last day or not, I'm not gonna do harm to myself and I choose to be optimistic as in like "hmmm let's see what's in store for tomorrow".

on that note I want to finish this book called Any Man which is a novel that deals with female-on-male rape (apologies if that word triggers anyone). but yeah I think coming to terms that I'm not ok, is ok. it's just about how I go about it and I think being in uni for music, which is my biggest passion in life, helps. I was instructed to learn nocturne in eb by chopin for my piano class and I shed a tear when I started practice the first two measures. it's my only source of comfort but it sure does mean a lot. and thank you to those taking the time to through this. I needed rum for this lol

[DN_Catastrophic]

Originally Posted by samurai7694

but I just want to put it out there that I struggle to even come back to FFR (even though I instinctively check it every day now), because I feel a lot of old relationships have been killed off and some old friends I tried reaching out to either want nothing to do with me or see me in a bad light in some way. but I am thankful for the friends that I still have now

I may not be as well known as most of you outside of the old MP and pre FFR Apocalypse, but after reading everything on here this was what stuck out to me the most. I'd consider myself somewhat social, but for some reason whenever I come on here I become a ghost to even just trying to reach out to an old friend on here and just lurks. It's sad when I think about the countless hours and sleepless nights of fun I had with everyone of FFR Old. Maybe I'm just trying to fill a void inside me that I haven't noticed yet? Who knows.. but I think it's crazy how I've been trying to find something on here since 2012 that just seems to never come.

I guess what makes it harder is I haven't been able to play FFR since the end of 2017 as I was diagnosed with an extremely rare Auto-Immune disease (Stage 2 Dermatomyositis) which also affect my muscles and skin. So pretty much it'll be a long time before my fingers can speed through a chart as they could before. Though I may not have been the best, I enjoyed and talked about this site more than anyone would think.

My life may not have had many difficulties until I was randomly hit with this disease, so I"m not sure if I should post anything more lol

P.s. if anyone is interested in my condition or needs to reach out, please do! Also I posted a semi full story in another thread last year so I can link that if anyone is interested / put more updates from that point on here or there ... so lmk!

[Funnygurl555]

Originally Posted by Dinglesberry

thirdly im a complete dumbass and seemed to mix up funnygurl with zeldafangirl

i think this is the most offensive thing i've read in this thread, lmfao

[Dynam0]

Low key good thread diversion, I def overshared 😒

[Funnygurl555]

Originally Posted by Dynam0

Low key good thread diversion, I def overshared 😒

i don't think you did

[MarioNintendo]

Originally Posted by Dynam0

Low key good thread diversion, I def overshared 😒

I don't think you overshared. At least, don't feel bad about sharing. It's a sign of maturity and courage, not foolishness. I don't know what to say in these situations, but I still respect you a ton bro.

[Dinglesberry]

tl;dr i suck

edit: fuck this took me like 30 mins to right, oof

[choof]

that long post is a good post

[Dinglesberry]

not gonna lie i was too anxious the past day to read this thread because i knew that when i checked it that everyone would be mad at me but to read it now and see people arguing with choof for actually confronting my bullshit, instead of people arguing at me specifically really makes me want to reflect on how I act and it makes me really upset, Im sorry

[j-rodd123]

Originally Posted by Dinglesberry

not gonna lie i was too anxious the past day to read this thread because i knew that when i checked it that everyone would be mad at me but to read it now and see people arguing with choof for actually confronting my bullshit, instead of people arguing at me specifically really makes me want to reflect on how I act and it makes me really upset, Im sorry

good to hear. trust me posting not posting like a dumbass makes things a lot better than the alternative :thumb:

[V-Ormix]

cool thread concept - yah I was born in 93 but mostly resonate with 2003 for whatever odd reason and grew up with an obsession for light bulbs and lamps and a little later motor cycles up until I discovered techno music when my brothers friend brought over his cd he played on our play station (which had cool visuals on the tv) and I devoted my focus and energy to figuring out how does some one 'make' techno and were do these sonic 'ideas' actually come from. Needless to say I'm skipping a lot of detail but those are very few of the aspects of my life that stand out enough for me to emphasize. fast forward to today I am more open to the idea of composing music more than designing it and find myself parallel and underneath everything else in a constant state of religious and philosophical debate internally when I take a moment to be truly self aware.

In a tangible what I call worldly context I enjoy music/art that seems to transcend all that you thought was life almost surrealistically and has this infinite wavelength you some time have the pleasure of rediscovering. feeling a certain way at times makes existing matter again lmao

[MarioNintendo]

Just found the old thread started by top in 2013, what a trip down memory lane.

When I posted my original life story, I hadn't met any FFR'er in person. I was still with my ex. I hadn't broken any bridges with childhood friends. I was just getting started.

It really makes me realize how temporary some problems are, and how timeless some ideas or thought-loops can be. My life right now is by no means perfect, but I have changed. For the better, I feel. I still have that whacky kid inside me, but I learned to use that part, rather than feeling used by it. I still hold a diary, which after all this time might be the only thing I feel 100% confident was good for me.

Thanks for being here, FFR and FFR peeps.

[choof]

oh yeah I didn't see that, yeah my charts are bad too but there's always been something cathartic about making your own charts and seeing them to completion

luis if you have a good mic (or not, probably doesn't matter) we should collab on some music

[samurai7694]

Originally Posted by choof

luis if you have a good mic (or not, probably doesn't matter) we should collab on some music

I don't have a good mic but I'd be down for collabs, or even taking recommendations from ambient music since I'm starting to be more interested in it. life's been busy for me, which is a good thing, but I can make time to listen to music!

Originally Posted by Dynam0

Low key good thread diversion, I def overshared 😒

I feel the same honestly. I personally did read through all posts here though. I will say this: if my condensed story somehow helps or speaks to someone then I feel a lot better.

[Funnygurl555]

yay you did it thanks for sharing halogen

Originally Posted by samurai7694

I feel the same honestly. I personally did read through all posts here though. I will say this: if my condensed story somehow helps or speaks to someone then I feel a lot better.

i've read through every one too (though that's unsurprising since i started the thread). i've purposely haven't been commenting though for fear of being insensitive. like what if someone shares and unbeknownst to you your comment's as good as saying "cool". that's likely my social anxiety speaking though.

i don't think anyone overshared really 'cause it's hard to over share when you're asked to post your entire life. though i get that it makes you feel vulnerable. i've had to let go of that personally 'cause i had to reach out for help earlier this year

Originally Posted by SpaceGorilla

it's like playing minesweeper trying to avoid the irrelevant bs in this thread but the rest is some good stuff

i'd contribute my own life story but i'm either too young or too naive to make it sound interesting. basically i've been completely pampered up until this point, dealing with some depression kind of like the rest of you. nothing really sad or crazy has happened but reading your guys' stuff can help me appreciate that a little more so thanks i guess

y'all it really ain't the point to be interesting or to have had shit go down i get it though i felt that way when the first thread happened

[SpaceGorilla]

it's like playing minesweeper trying to avoid the irrelevant bs in this thread but the rest is some good stuff

i'd contribute my own life story but i'm either too young or too naive to make it sound interesting. basically i've been completely pampered up until this point, dealing with some depression kind of like the rest of you. nothing really sad or crazy has happened but reading your guys' stuff can help me appreciate that a little more so thanks i guess

[psychoangel691]

I feel like I may have shared some in the other thread a while ago (haven't looked) not sure if anyone really wants to hear my story but if I did it I'd probably end up with several posts of different phases in life. I've had a lot of shit go down in my 34yrs on earth, lol.

[TC_Halogen]

Originally Posted by choof

oh yeah I didn't see that, yeah my charts are bad too but there's always been something cathartic about making your own charts and seeing them to completion

I've been asked over at osu!mania why I've made easier charts when being at the player level that I'm at (two times referring to this particular chart). It comes down to that exact thing; it just feels good to do and it's nice to see something you've wanted to create come to fruition.

As far as life stuff: put in a spoiler to as to not stretch the page.

---

For the most part, my life wasn't too bad growing up. I was raised in Chicago and lived there for the first 18 years of my life. Things deteriorated over time with my parents both suffering from alcoholism, though things have improved substantially on both sides with my dad slowing down and my mom being essentially inhibited in her consumption living with me.

I've heard stories from my mom about how she sheltered me from my father's side of the family and looking back at that, I'll have to definitely agree. My father's siblings and that side of the family in general was filled with a lot of deadbeats, with an overwhelming majority of them not only being educational dropouts but also involved with gang related activity for extended periods.

This person was actually connected to my dad's side of the family.
https://www.chicagotribune.com/news/...273-story.html

I also lost a cousin and that cousin’s father to substance abuse.

My mom was apparently accused by my father's siblings for trying to make me "white" by keeping me away from them (note: I'm Puerto Rican). I definitely thank her for that.

My introduction to education was a little shaky due to having some issues with regards to reading but I eventually turned it around and seemed to be an educational savant compared to the rest of my family. From 4th grade through 8th grade, I played in our school's band. None of my immediate family on either side had any sort of musical inclination, so this surprised my parents. I'd initially intended on playing clarinet, but our school was so poorly under-funded that I was forced to play trumpet instead -- I was a natural at it. By 5th grade, our band director was already feeding me lower-level high school pieces because I was simply bored trying to wait for everyone else to catch up.

I ended up getting into a selective enrollment high school in Chicago (Lane Tech). My time at Lane was mostly great; the school was a melting pot and had so many students, making it pretty easy to become socially active. Despite selecting a technology-oriented curriculum, I continued on with the musical interests and played in the school's concert band from freshman year all the way through senior year. I also played in a pit band for our school’s production of Bye Bye Birdie, which was an incredible experience as well. Lane Tech was when my love for rhythm gaming also spiraled to a whole new level, after running into the school’s DDR club; the person managing the club when I got in as a freshman - aliased Darklink, ended up being a prominent individual within the Chicago scene due to getting their hands on a dedicated ITG cabinet and we stood in touch for a pretty long time after that.

Unfortunately, it wasn’t all fun. In my senior year, a close female friend ended up getting involved in a relationship with a person who was quite frankly, extremely paranoid. They were under an active impression that I was trying to be a thorn in the relationship, even though said female and I had agreed that nothing would ever happen romantically (we simply never had that interest). The male in question eventually started catching me throughout random points in the day, threatening to jump me if I “continued what I was doing.” On a particularly bad rehearsal from band, I was threatened once more… and actually snapped. We’ll leave it at that…

This experience is essentially what caused me to get kicked out of high school. Through sheer fear of being caught in the halls like I had been in the past, I started cutting class throughout the second half of the day. Eventually, I got expelled for truancy.

At that point, I started getting on FFR a -lot- more, particularly in the video chat area. It didn’t take too long for me to run into Kayla and we started talking extremely frequently - not just on FFR VC, but on AIM (holy shit we’re old). My parents would often give me money to go play ITG over at Galaxy Comics, which was housing Darklink’s dedicated cabinet. I started putting away parts of that money away and eventually coordinated with my dad to get myself a train ticket to go east and move with her in January 2010.

I’ll summarize from that move on because it would take 10x longer to just handle that part…

Had first daughter -- Saphira, in March of 2011.
Got my GED in June of 2012.
Moved back to Chicago to live w/ my dad for him to help us out in October of 2012.
Left Chicago to go Maryland on April 1st, 2013 (nice date).
Had second daughter, Ariana, in August of 2013.
Worked at Kohl’s eCommerce for 13 months, hit a lead position but was denied full-time work for reasons I won’t understand. I guess at the end of the day, I can say it was the universe pulling me in the right direction.
On a complete fucking whim after Kayla said “what’s the worst that can happen”, applied for a web development job without a degree (was still doing my associates online), and actually beat out four people for the job.
Got my A.A.S. in Information Technology in July (?) of 2015.
Got into another web development job as a referral from my first job, and spent a pretty long time over there… before being let go with basically no reasoning back in March of 2018, exactly one day after purchasing a plane ticket for my mother to live with us after being horrifically impacted by Hurricane Maria and dealing with shitty family while living in Puerto Rico months earlier (fantastic timing).
After an incredibly long battle of job applications and constant feelings of rejection, landed my current software development job; I absolutely love the people I work with. I worked alone in my previous jobs, but actually feel like I’m a part of something bigger here and it’s a great feeling. Unlike my two previous jobs, I feel like this is my “career job” and I don’t see myself separating from this company anytime soon.

At the end of the day, through all of the struggles and craziness, I still wouldn't have it any other way. Kayla and I have been through a fair amount of shit while being together while also having our own shit that we dealt with before meeting one another and it's been an insane but continuously improving ride.

This still leaves a shitton out, to be honest. But it serves as a good summary of things.