another thread

[Rapta]

Remember that old thread where I intended to try to manage my feelings before killing myself? I certainly didn't expect my location to be found. That's because I was having a severe panic attack whilst in the middle of being depressed. I didn't think much about how to kill myself at that moment because I wasn't thinking straight. I found out a lot of things after that.

My depression is so painful it is causing short lapses in my consciousness at times. It's pain. Seemingly perpetual. People who know tell me I'm very smart. People who meet me often tell me I appear intelligent. I'm told it by so many people it seems like a fake staple to pander me. While it seems fake, there's a possibility that it's true. if it really is, then taking into consideration how long I have been trying to change, fix, get help, devote myself to not being depressed anymore, NOTHING has worked. When I say nothing, I meant to say I've tried so many things suggestions changes or medication or anything else not immediately coming to mind that I've tried has not worked. My observations of everything and everyone lead me to not wanting to live on this earth anymore. It's so fuxking complicated that anyone I try to tell can't even handle trying to understand it before they tell me they can't deal with it. I could spend as week typing away but it won't change anything. Not everyone believes I feel the way I do. People who say they do can't help.

Wanna hear some words from people who have said they wanted to help?

"You need to act like a man, quit being so pitiful. You constantly complain to me and it just never stops! Quit talking to me."

They said they would listen, they said they cared as my friend

"You said you took 50 paxil? Pfft I can tell you're not telling the truth because you said you swallowed them all at once without gagging and because you aren't acting like you're in pain. Whatever"

Why would you say that to me.. i didn't lie, or flush them down the toilet like you accused, I should've swallowed more that night..

"If you were trying to kill yourself, why didn't you use Tylenol, which would surely kill you at that dose? Did you do this for attention?"

Thanks doctor, I'll make sure I get it right next time.

"Next time don't tell anyone you're doing it, idiot"

Are you trying to make me cry? I trusted you the most..

Then
I was put on unit restriction in the mental hospital, kept away from everyone else. Alone. I was told I needed to contemplate why suicide is bad. All I could think of was how I was being punished now.

"There's no need for you to pretend you're contributing for attention"

I wasn't aware that what I said was already shared.. FUCK YOU ANON.

I'M SO TIRED

OF LIVING

don't call anyone to my fuxking house again
no I'm not about to kill myself right now

Oh look I let out some feelings

[blindreper1179]

Haters are gonna hate bro. Fuck em. Who cares /who/ they are to you.

[MooMoo_Cowfreak]

Being productive in something that interests you might be a good start. People say you are smart, and even if you are tired of hearing that, there may be some truth to it. If you can direct your energies and intellect towards something creative, to bringing something new and genuinely you into this world, then maybe you'll feel like you have more of a reason to live in it.

[Azpb Djbread]

Dude, Rapta, that sounds like it sucks. You're a cool dude, keep that in mind

[blanky!]

Well....what exactly do you dislike about yourself?

What exactly is making you depressed? If you don't know, then that in and of itself is a problem, and all of us are trying to help you as much as we can (though it may not be the most helpful, per se).

That does kinda suck that people just jump to conclusions about the lesser-off though. It's like, why are you assuming stuff that trivializes the whole person.

[drizzleRomanceGirl]

i really don't want you to give up; i think you're a wonderful person and i like spending time with you. i think it might help you to do something you like to do and spend time with people

however, i also think it will help to find out all the reasons why you're depressed and tired of living and try ways to address them even if you can't do anything about them right now

if some people don't believe or understand how you feel, there are so many other people in the world that might

at the very least, i believe everything you're saying

maybe it will help if you stayed away from things that make you stressed, anxious, frustrated, or upset and tried more things where you feel comfortable and that you like doing

i really want to spend more time with you

you can always talk with me through skype, but i won't always respond quickly; my skype username is either Rebecca_TMI or drizzleRomanceGirl, (i'm not sure which)

humor might also help you feel better :P it helps when i feel depressed to either listen to songs i like a lot or read funny fanfiction stories

remember, there are endless possibilities

[inDheart]

Originally Posted by Rapta

"There's no need for you to pretend you're contributing for attention"

I wasn't aware that what I said was already shared.. FUCK YOU ANON.

pretty sure this quote was very much not at you, but at another poster who came in late to that thread adding not much of real value.

that said, there are no shortage of people here who actually do want to help if we can

[YoshL]

yeah that was at soul evans, not at you rapta.

[Sanjixcon]

yeah man life sucks, i'm kinda just waitin for a world changing event to happen honestly :/